John,

That is a pretty common struggle for many people! Wishing to balance a lay life of family with monastic principles is tough. When I read your words a few things came to heart.

Reality is comprised of layers, and your description of your attraction to women is a great example. Said curtly, it sounds like a superficial view, which is pretty normal. When looking out at reality, the fiery chaos and sparkle of a woman catches our senses and provides great pleasure. We are overwhelmed by their potency, and feel a gravity that seems impossible to avoid. This feeds a cycle of nourishment that always leaves us feeling unfulfilled, yet yearning for more.

The practice that resolves a superficial view is deep looking into selflessness and impermanence. When we begin to let go of the “ooh, pretty sparkly pop art” view of women, we can begin to look at the mature, powerful goddess inside of each woman. Its a little rude to do this with strangers, so we can practice with objects. For instance, we may realize we have a superficial relationship to our chair. So we look deeply. What is really there? What conditions came together that allows that chair to be there for us to sit on?

Thousands of strands of cotton fiber, for instance, means that cotton plants took energy from the sun, co2 from the air and water and grew and grew, so the cotton plant is there with you, the sun is there, the water is there. The farmer who planted and harvested to cotton is there. The grandparents of the farmer is there. The designer or engineer whose art became the chair is there. The teacher of the designer is there. There is a whole symphony of natural interactions that came together just so, and the result is the thing you sit on. As we sit in this view, a natural appreciation arises for the form we call a chair. We realize the chair is really the crest of a wave of conditions, and in sitting in it, we are participating in that continuity. This connection to the chair is significantly more potent than the sensual pleasures involved in seeing a particularly sexy design that maybe is missing a leg or two.

With warmth,
Matt