Hi Murtaza,

thanks for sharing a little bit about your childhood. Your big brother and big sister harassed you when they took away your toy, i.e. stopped you from playing videogames, or watching your favorite TV show whenever they pleased. Children can be cruel like that, so their behavior isn’t that surprising, but what I see as a bigger problem is that your parents didn’t protect you, e.g. they didn’t set some rules of behavior for your older siblings, or some rules about when and under what conditions you can watch TV or play videogames. You were the weaker one and your parents just left you at the mercy of your older siblings. That probably left you feeling like they don’t care about you, and that no one cares about you in general, because that’s the experience you got in your family.

When you started experiencing pain in your stomach during the night, your mother probably didn’t soothe you lovingly, didn’t take you in her arms and caressed you (or did she?), but she just gave you a cloth to warm up your tummy and left, I suppose? After a while she was bothered by you and got impatient, and then you even stopped complaining. This was another experience of not receiving nurturing love and care, which possibly could have left you with feeling unlovable, unworthy of love. Also, you were afraid of dark but were reluctant to tell that to your mother, not to bother her even more.

You had to face fear and anxiety alone and suffer alone, without consolation of a parent. That’s the hardest thing for a child to experience – suffering alone, in silence, with no one there to help him. Feeling in pain, both physically and emotionally, probably feeling unlovable, unworthy, and thinking that no one cares about you. Also feeling helpless, because at that time, as a child, you truly were helpless, unable to stop your stomach pain or your fear and anxiety. This could very easily be the basis for feeling hopeless about life, because what’s life if one has to suffer endlessly and their loved ones don’t care about him.

Later, when your uncle would beat you and your father would allow it, it just reaffirmed your experience from childhood when you were harassed by your older siblings: being harassed and helpless to stop the harassment, and being at the mercy of others, who had the “right” to harass you simply because they were older. It could have given you the idea that the world is cruel and unfair and arbitrary, and you don’t want to take any part in it, because it just causes you suffering.

The girl you liked, Noor, probably showed you more care with that one gesture of putting ice on your foot, than your own mother. You felt that’s true love – someone caring about you and your well-being, and not letting you suffer.

As a child you used you imagine that you were hurt by your loved ones – which is what actually happened: you were hurt by your loved ones. Only in your fantasy they would love you eventually, but in real life, they wouldn’t – they hurt you and they didn’t care too much about your feelings. You didn’t even dare to wake up your mother when your stomach hurt (or when you were thirsty but afraid to go get water in the dark) because you knew she would be disturbed.

This is what I am seeing from what you’ve described: you suffered a lot as a child and no one cared about you (except Noor and perhaps some random people who were nice to you – like that pharmacist recently). You saw glimpses of love and care, but 99% of time love was suffering (because those you loved didn’t love you back) and therefore, love is “too unreal” for you, and you end up apathetic, unwilling to live. Because what’s life without love…

you know im sick and tired of being the blame, no matter how much arguments i provide, no matter how much reasons i give, its always my fault,

It’s not your fault that you didn’t get the love and care you deserved. It’s not your fault that you were harassed. It’s not your fault that you were afraid of the dark, and that your stomach hurt. None of it is your fault. You deserved to be loved and cared for and comforted, you deserved to watch your favorite TV show. Your needs and desires were completely legitimate, but they weren’t taken into consideration, you were trampled over. None of that was your fault. You deserve better.