Carl,
I can relate to the “people pleasing” and “perfection” ways of living. I have done both for most of my 58 years. At a very age, living with a sick mother, I learned the way to someone’s heart and possible approval, was to try to make them feel better. So that lead me to the realization that I was meant to be a nurse. Off I went to nursing school a the ripe old age of 31 with 2 children.
Becoming a nurse was one of the hardest, but most rewarding day of my life and to this day, I am proud of the nurse I am. I done many types of nursing and helped people in many ways and I have always learned and received much more than I gave through life experience and wisdom.
But having the personality of a “nurturer” or “people pleaser” or perfectionist – is an exhausting journey. Mainly because we put ourselves somewhere very low on the list of people we want to help and keep happy..
I am not sure how old you are and how long you have been at it – but I can share that dealing with the emotions of life ARE depressing. If you surround yourself with people who need help – you will be swimming in life of “what everyone else needs”.
I have learned over the years that although my work is important, and I get extreme pleasure out of helping people, if I don’t put myself high on the list of caregiving – I can become resentful. I become depleted and there is nothing left for me. Then I get angry because I feel people should offer support and help the same way I do. Which is certainly not true. I know we are not supposed to expect, anticipate or judge others and their decisions in life. But I have found that people generally do not want to change even if they identify behaviors and beliefs that keep them stuck. I see change as an opportunity – every day of my life – to do something different – learn from my mistakes and move onto a more “skilled” life. Meaning my coping skills get sharpened and refined. Of course there are times things happen and you are brought to your knees. That happened to me a year ago when my oldest daughter, 33 years old was diagnosed with MS less than a year from her wedding. Talk about anger and depression! I felt sort of betrayed, that I had spent much of my life in “service” of sick and helpless people, then realized that most people do not return the favor. Not that we should live our lives looking for paybacks, it just seems that good karma should great good karma, right?
Anyway, I have come to think of all my relationships in a very different way. I no longer see myself as the hero. People will change only when and if they are ready. I might be able to plant “a seed” of truth – from something I see by observing and listening to their process. After that, then I let go of the outcome (or try). It is up to them to assimilate the information. I bless them and hope they begin moving forward toward healing – either emotional or physical.
At every brick wall we hit in life, we have the option to do something! Everything changes, so the good news is the intensity of the situation begins to lighten it’s grip, then usually we can take a couple of breaths and start to think clearly and move on.
I still love to nurture and care for people – I just don’t take much stock in the outcome. And I certainly try, whenever I can, to put myself at the top of the list.
Maybe if you can define what makes you depressed, you can look at how you have reacted to the challenges in your life. Maybe it’s time to look at your strategy because I have learned that no matter how well I deal with adversity – it keeps right on coming.
Blessings