Hi Murtaza,

Following that logic then my mother deserve better, and my father deserves better, almost everyone deserves better,

Yes, every child who was mistreated deserves better. A child deserves, i.e. should be given proper love and nurturance, in order to develop properly, both physically and emotionally. In order for a healthy development to happen, what is needed is the so-called secure attachment with the primary caregiver (usually mother), where the child feels safe and is able to have all its core emotional needs met.

If your mother didn’t understand a child’s needs (“Nope, she doesn’t understand the child needs for such things“), she couldn’t provide secure attachment for you, and you couldn’t develop in healthy way, emotionally.

just makes you have an idea that you inheritly deserve something without any effort, i don’t think that’s a nice idea to have, not true either, love is something you buy, and im not talking about money, im talking about prices we must pay to get love

If we have a loving parent, a parent who knows how to meet our needs, we won’t feel like we have to pay anything or do anything to deserve the parent’s love. A good parent gives selflessly, of course within certain boundaries, but they never require the child to suppress themselves or to suffer in exchange for love. For example, they would never give the message to a child that “I love you only if you don’t bother me with your problems”. Instead, they would say “I love you regardless of what trouble you may get into. I will never reject you. Come to me whenever you need me and we’ll figure something out.” With a loving  parent, a child isn’t terrified of being judged and condemned, but feels heard and understood.

Many children feel and experience that their parent’s love is conditional and that they need to pay a certain price to be loved. They need to become someone they are not (e.g. you may have needed to pretend that you’re tough and resilient when in fact you were afraid and anxious. Or you may have needed to pretend that you don’t need anything, when in fact you needed your mother’s care and soothing.) You grew up with the belief (and experience) that you need to deserve love, and probably deserve it in a way which negates who you are, which denies the core of your being. You didn’t want that, and so you refused the whole idea of wanting love.

But its my fault that i developed a strong apathy ? … i developed apathy just to protect me, a strong apathy, and im proud of myself for doing so

No, it’s not your fault that you developed apathy. You developed it to protect you from false hope, from the pain of not receiving love. As a child and youth, it was a smart move because it protected you somewhat from heartbreak. But you also don’t like your life and feel you live like an animal, because if we suppress the longing of your heart, then that’s what we all end up being – animals, or robots/automatons. Such life doesn’t make sense indeed.

What I am telling you is that you don’t need to suppress the longing of your heart. You don’t need to pay the price to be loved. You can start loving that anxious, fearful, lonely boy right now. You can give him unconditional love, which your mother and father weren’t able to. You can tell him it’s okay to be needy, to be afraid of the dark, to need comfort and soothing when he’s afraid, to need protection when he’s harassed… Do you think you could get in touch with the little boy Murtaza and give him some love and care?