Dear Anita,

It’s getting weird each day. I feel like I’m on a new episode of being miserable. I kept living the same cycle over and over again with him and we kept coming back to each other after those crises. It was like that 2 weeks ago as well, but it was really quick. I’ve bought a surprise cake and then we spent his birthday with a bunch of friends. It was nice, we were nice, but not together. We were basically nice to each other. But then when I saw him replying to another girl when we were together, I reacted. Not like a reaction, I was simply uncomfortable, jealous. Then I guess he thought about the whole situation and came to a conclusion. In moments like this, he just tells me that he doesn’t want to be anyone’s anything. But he also told me that he would never do the same mistakes again with other people. So we haven’t been in contact since, it kind of breaks my heart. When I come across the marks his posters left on the walls, I felt miserable. I felt like I couldn’t resist the time, time just passed away and we got away from each other without me realizing it.

I feel different, I feel alone most of the time. I keep doing my tasks, my projects, job stuff, and it’s going well. It has been a year since my graduation. The birthday we’ve spent together was my first relaxed earned weekend since that graduation. Then we lost contact. Right after I’ve learned to earn my weekends and spare myself some time to relax, he is out of the picture. This breaks my heart as well. He was upset because I didn’t and couldn’t spare any time for us to just spend carelessly. I needed a year to be able to do that but he just didn’t want to endure this time.

I feel like I’m using lots of ‘he’s when I should be using ‘I’s, but I cannot help thinking about him sometimes. I’ve read your post yesterday, and I also got a rejection mail from a bootcamp. I’m used to being rejected by these kinds of events or jobs, it happens, that’s life. But I still couldn’t get over the fact that I was rejected by the only person I thought did accept me as a whole. I don’t know if this is the ego talking or the love, I don’t know what should I focus on.

He knows how it’s toxic to ask about the past, think about one’s past. So he tells himself that he would never question anybody else. But he did that with me for a year, and I couldn’t get respect in that area. I feel wronged by life, it’s like I’m a neglected child all along. He learned all about it and he’ll continue with this lesson, maybe he’ll be happy with some other girls and I’ll be standing all alone. 

This is my previous post and I’m still trying to figure out what this feeling says about me. Is this me being self-centered? I even see stuff like this in my dreams. It just breaks my heart how he can move on like that. He can move on, he can deal with the fact that I’m devastated and he can leave me like that. Maybe I’m putting too much responsibility here, but I wanted to express my feelings as they come.

Earlier this year, you wrote, as if answering my question above: “I don’t know… I don’t know what to do. I feel, Idk, burnt out. I feel empty.. I have absolutely no idea what to do at this point, I would choose to just stay in bed and sleep for days… crying and being miserable”-

– is this still your answer still?

It is not, I don’t feel empty. I feel so much resentment towards him and towards life. I feel pain and it gets smaller and bigger. Other than that I just try to handle the things I should do and I’m doing fine regarding that. I’ll spare a night for myself and see an emotional movie. I’ll probably cry, and then maybe sleep. I’m safe but I don’t know when this will end or when I’ll be okay. Sorry about all these emotional postings.