Dear Murtaza:

I noticed that you posted last night, more than 12 hours ago, but I didn’t want to read what you wrote, not until this morning, after I answered a couple of other members- because my communication with you at this point is different from what I ever had in the over six years of daily posting here. It is more personal to me than ever before, gets me involved in ways I didn’t want to get involved before. I never trusted anyone here to help me with my most personal topics. I never posted to be helped, not wanting what (I gladly refer to, in this context) normie-responses that advocate that I forgive my mother, that she did her best.. and all along, denying the reality of what happened.

Part of me feared yesterday that you will turn against me, that you will.. drop this gentle, supportive empathetic “mask” and reveal the aggressive, cruel monster inside. This fear carried on from last night to this morning as I postponed reading your recent post. I didn’t read it yet. What I wrote so far, and what I will continue to type is not edited, just like yesterday. I will read part of your recent post, respond to it and keep going.

Before I begin, one more thing: I didn’t rush to read and respond also, because I wanted to give it time to be absorbed, what already happened here, recently on your thread, what we talked about most recently.. what seems to be Murtaza helping me. Trusting you, trusting you enough to place you in the position to possibly hurt me, to possibly betray my trust in you. And now, to your post:

“As I read your post, especially at the end ‘no one felt angry at her’ ‘you the only one who did’ ‘everyone criticize me for that anger’, I teared up, it was a long time since I felt this way“- you got it, the most important element in my previous post to you. You are amazing.

“I understand anita, every time I tell people a little about my life, they immediately assume the rest of it, not only that, but they are sure that this assumption is true, in my post to you, I never made an assumption that I’m sure it’s true unless you confirm it. (I admit I made some bold assumption in the past in our conversation, and for that I’m sorry)“- thank you. I too made bold, incorrect assumptions about you (and about other members). I am sorry for that too.

“The first time I saw what you do here, I liked you very much, because you dedicate time and effort for every member, your detailed replies showed how you much care about everyone, and that I thought everyone sees you that way, and that everyone (like me) waits for your next reply“- I am smiling right now for the first time this morning, you-are-a-sweetheart was my first thought as I read this part.

“Sometimes I wish that I can practice this gentleness, though I can only do little through words“- I can feel your gentleness, it makes me feel good right now. I didn’t sleep well last night and didn’t feel good until now.

I can imagine how very fortunate (and I mean it, I am not just saying this to be nice) a young woman would have been to experience your gentleness irl, right there, were you are, in a different context than your younger sister does.

“What I understand from this is that she controlled your mind/imagination when you were around her, she was like the devil (in Islam devil lives in everyone of us and he whispers us to do bad things) only she was worse, I can’t imagine you living like that everyday“- a very non-normie response, thank you!!!

“I was criticizing valuing mothers like that, because it gives them so much power… Everyone who you told about your mother, either empathized with her, or gave her excuses, no one was mad at her, no one hated her, she did this to you, because society allows this. If there was a law that stops her from being her, you wouldn’t have suffer that much, there is a reason why we have laws, to stop some people from being themselves“- perfectly said.

I wrote to you about the two voices in my head, one saying that she was a good mother etc., and you replied: “I understand, its now two voices against this, yours and mine“- I want to take in this line, this idea, this sentiment into me, breathe it in. When that other voice speaks, maybe I can say to it: Murtaza and I are against you, case closed, and silence can follow.. (?)

I wrote to you: “she murdered my love for her, and then, my love for her resurrected as the ‘living dead’ from that movie.. a love-corpse moving around clumsily, making strange grunting sounds”, and you wrote: “So much anger in this sentence, I’m impressed how well you said this“- I didn’t notice it was anger until you pointed it out.

* At this point I am amazed by how brilliant you are, this is all mind boggling to me, I never, NEVER expected to be helped in this way, it is as if an angel has descended on me with all his wisdom, an out of this world wisdom and ability to perceive, to understand so perfectly.

“I would imagine that you wanted so much, so badly, to someone to release you from her, to intervene and stop her, but no one did, because its ‘YoUr MoThEr’“– she was god, but a bad god, like you said, a devil. It alarmed me just now to say “devil”, but Murtaza said so, two voices against one!

“You not only were abused but no one even acknowledge that little thing, that simple and small thing, and you wished for so long that someone would just be angry at her, just be angry, its makes me so sad“- I didn’t understand what was missing (one other person to get angry at her) until you.

“When I first heard ‘she slapped me’ I immediately hated her, and was mad at her, and I would think this is the least she did, but I’m bit surprised (I don’t expect a lot from normies) that no one hated her, hated what she did, was angry at her, it feels like the normal response to any sane person, that this gentle and nice person right here were treated like a slave”–

– thank you. She had that extreme “good” persona for everyone else, extremely kind and generous and full of flattery. Although I did see her fight on once occasion with one of my elementary school teachers. I don’t remember much other than her screaming on the school grounds. I understand that she hit that teacher. ALL the school students were watching the scene that seemed to go on forever. I was very embarrassed. I don’t remember how I felt going “home” with the crazy woman.

* I just felt guilty saying “the crazy woman”. Do you want to give me your Voice on this (maybe I can have two-against one on this one)? Maybe this will help for background: she heard that that female teacher, a music teacher, referred to me as (I forgot.. I remember, she called me “auntie”) something somewhat disrespectful, so her response was to ascend to the school grounds getting that teacher outside the classroom and going about screaming/ hitting her or whatnot while all the children were watching. (No police was called.. I don’t think, quite sure, I don’t remember police existing where I lived).

“No one felt your pain, no one validate your feelings about her, and you thought that you must be wrong, the evidence is everyone tells you are wrong, the whole world tells you to respect your mother, even if she is bad, to forgive her, how could that voice, that little tiny voice inside you beat the whole world? You wanted people to be angry at her for what she did to you, not other reasons, because then you would know that they know you are suffering, you just wanted that, them to know, what a simple thing to ask“- interesting that the only quality psychotherapist I ever had didn’t say what you said here. What do you know.. he too was too much of a normie. I see it now. He didn’t help me as much as he could have if he was you.

“Of course they did, they have good mothers“- as I read this, I thought, no they/ many probably have bad mothers but they are not aware or fully aware of it, and then I read the continuation of the above: “/ not aware of their bad mothers because society brainwashed their values and beliefs to not see the ugly truth“- yes, yes, yes!!!

“This reminds me of something (although this post is mainly about you, though if don’t mention this I don’t think I will remember again in the future), I remember that when my father was alive, he used to bother us a lot, screams and stuff, one time he was screaming at my little sister, and I was furious, I told him ‘how dare you even talk to her like that? Are you even her father? What did you do to her to be her father?’ He didn’t replay, from what I remember it was so satisfying“-

– Of course you can share about you, bring the post back to you. I will probably be better at responding to what you share about yourself and your life now, than I was before. I see courage.. I must stop, I am afraid to misunderstand the situation you described. I don’t want to repay your understanding of me with a misunderstanding of you!

Was it courage?

I wrote to you: “Your reply is very satisfactory to me. Thank you, a lot”, and you replied: “You are more then welcome, and thank you for trusting me“- this is AMAZING because I started this post to you with the issue of trust, and that was before I read your post.

“I didn’t comment on everything (because I felt adding a comment to some of your replay would be not nice, and unnecessary) though you should know I understand most of it, and the part I didn’t, I either assumed stuff…”- I am fine with you commenting on everything and am grateful for what you did comment on, and you commented on a lot. I also don’t expect perfection from you although recently all I got from you was just that, Perfection.

I am thankful to you, and humbled.. and wiser because of you. Again, you are amazing, brilliant and so very special to me.

anita