Dear Murtaza:

I was way less afraid today to read your most recent post. Today, I kept it for last as an expected pleasure. I read just a bit of your post before typing this sentence, and now- part by part, no editing:

“As I read your post, after I just woke up, I smile, even laugh at times“- you woke up around 7 am this Friday. I wonder if you had breakfast before you turned on your computer. (No need to answer, it is just a wondering)

“Since you showed me something I haven’t see in any online interaction, I always wanted to give back to you what you gave me, when I talk about your life, I won’t show any of the argumentative Murtaza, just gentle and kind and understanding Murtaza“- thank you. I was thinking about it yesterday, how strange it is to receive the highest quality help without paying for it, just like that, for free.. I said to myself: better not take too much of it, better not work you to exhaustion!

And what you wrote, about being the “gentle and kind and understanding Murtaza” vs. the “argumentative Murtaza” is just too precious, too sweet.

Regarding my quote of being possibly hurt/ betrayed, you wrote: “I feel afraid that I might, if I do without knowing, without meaning to, could you please tell me? To not end this conversation as soon as I do that? To just point it out so we can discuss it/ tell you my pov?”-

– how interesting: right after I read “I feel afraid hat I might.. without meaning to“, and before I read the rest, I thought to myself a parallel thought: I am afraid that I might get angry at Murtaza again, that I .. well, like before. I am not inclined that way, not feeling anger at you at all, but it scared me for a moment.. what if..? Could I.. is it possible?

I will definitely let you know, I will remember to let you know of any feeling of hurt or betrayal on my part. It will not be difficult because I do not edit (other than spelling of my writing). I guess this is the trust in you, that I type without thinking much, or I should say, without re-thinking, just typing away. So, whatever comes to mind and heart is typed before I can take it away, or hide it.

I wrote to you that you are a sweetheart, that the thought occurred to me that you are, and you replied: “Thank you anita, this makes me feel warm“- well then, again I say: you are a sweetheart, Murtaza, and I smile as I am typing this.

“I too think the same about you, that how fortunate people will feel when they get to know you/ experience your gentleness“- I hope some people at the taproom think this way, I would like to think that they do, or that some do.

“I felt it was anger, when i imagined you writing it, I felt you you were bit angry and wrote this very fast, it was cute imagine you like that“- you are exceptionally perceptive and overall brilliant.

“I’m very glad, although I’m not doing anything really, I’m just being myself, I think we just have a some kind of rhythm, the result of us, the person right here, is compatible, so this is why we help each other easily, it comes natural, although I feel in your part, you did more to understand and accept me, thank you for that” –

– I like reading that you and I are compatible, sharing some kind of rhythm. You wrote here that you, or you suggested here that you are not working hard to help me, and that I worked hard before, trying to understand you. I think that the reason I worked harder was because I was not as perceptive or as brilliant as you are. Still not, but getting there, getting to be more perceptive.

“I too felt like you are an angel, still do“- it was only after I wrote to you yesterday that you are like an angel, that during my walk, I remembered that you said the same about me, earlier.

“I think this is a very well description of her, evil god“- it feels good to read this. Not guilty.

“you shouldn’t feel guilty (its ok to feel guilty though, because you were programmed to feel this way) because what she did to you, I think that you are allowed to say anything about her“- okay, I will say it then: for me, in my life, she was an evil god.

I want to continue my post to you later. I want to stop here because I am not feeling guilty for what I just wrote. I want to be in peace with this absence of guilt for a while. I will probably be back after my walk.. later. Thank you so much, Murtaza!

anita