Dear Murtaza:

I am writing you first this morning- before reading any of your recent post- because it occurred to me sometime last night that I was/ felt angry at  you yesterday, before posting to you last, but I didn’t think much of it, but last night I remembered that you asked me and I will tell you next time I felt angry at you.

Well, it is quite embarrassing: simply, you didn’t post long after the time you posted recently, I felt somewhat distressed over it, willing to admit easily that I felt sad, but didn’t feel comfortable to think that I was feeling angry. The thoughts that occurred to me were quick, thoughts like you can’t depend on people, relationships (be it virtual, but this one is real to me) never work, it’s a recipe for disaster or disappointment, and before I knew it I had thoughts like: I don’t want to communicate with Murtaza anymore, I will feel better if I am no longer in contact with him. Then I felt sad, somewhat empty perhaps (I put the word “perhaps” to mitigate the “empty”, a sort of cognitive manipulation there).

When you finally posted, I felt relief, was not angry anymore. Now, looking back, it is amazing how quickly I went the anger route, it was automatic. And I remember thinking: maybe Murtaza is busy, maybe he is sick (this right now made me feel anxious, thinking of you being sick), but these thoughts yesterday did not win over the other thoughts.

And now, I will read and reply to your recent post, part by part:

“my apologies for my short post“- it was the absence of any post that obviously upset me, I was glad to get a post of the length it was.

“there is two reasons why this happened“- it makes me smile now, how you didn’t know (and couldn’t know because you don’t have mind-reading powers) that I was just happy to get your post, plus, you wrote that you lost a previous reply. And again, you were not at fault for successfully submitting a post later than usual. I was angry anyway, an automatic reaction.. evidence of how much disappointment I did experience early in life, and on.

“I wrote a very good post, then I lost it, so I couldn’t say the same things, it would  be a pain”- I understand. It happened to me that I lost long posts many times. I am now in the habit of copying (pressing ctrl and C) before submitting every post.

“These days I’m so tired, my meds start to go deeper on dopamine, I’m feeling more tired, everything seems pointless, just effort with no reward, on top of that the heat is increasing, and my air conditioner is kinda broken”- the air conditioner in your room is broken, but in the rest of the apartment, it works, right..? It says online that the high today, Tuesday, was 50.5 Celsius- this is breaking my heart, and the first thought I had was to bring you over here. Climate change/ global warming scares the hell out of me. During the heat wave here, which was .. only in the 40s, I went into a cold bath every so often to cool off, and otherwise held ice packs against my body (they were not big enough and melted too quickly).

“We have two sources of power, generator subscription by people (with a limited amber based on what you pay) and electricity from the government, which comes every two hours (unlimited amber usage) the thing is, the electricity from the government comes low, even if its unlimited, the air conditioner can’t generate cold air, it happens just in the summer when too much people use it, since the number of people increased over the years, and they did nothing for that, the power plan is so old, it was built for few people, back in the 90s“- in the US too, power grid failure/ losing electricity happens. During heat waves, it is recommended/ asked that people don’t turn the AC too high, so to use less electricity and not overwhelm the power grid. I can imagine the frustration of losing a long, well-written post that you put together in the heat…!!!

I wrote about Mary and Max: “the plot made me think of you and me, of course, the Max-and Marry connection,  I mean”, and you wrote: “Yes, this is why I suggest it“- aha! I thought it might have, but didn’t want to be too confident about it.

I wrote to you: “I was sad earlier that you didn’t post at the regular time, quite sad”, and you wrote: “I am sorry”- I feel sorry for you, in such heat with poor AC, putting together a long, well-thought of post and then losing it. But I appreciate it that you did spend time and attention on it.. in the heat, even though I didn’t get it. This is one of the times when effort means as much as the result.

Again, I notice I said “quite sad”, not angry.

“I don’t imagine you talk with  personal things when you are in the taproom?“- no, I don’t talk personal things, I do not feel comfortable doing so. It is more that I ask people questions, greet them warmly, pay attention to what they share over time and let them know that I remember, making them feel important, perhaps, and I express myself spontaneously as a response to what they say (facial expressions, smiling, saying witty things from time to time), sharing little things, never big things. Except once, a younger woman asked me how it was when I was a teenager and I answered that I was thinking about suicide back then, something like that, and she said: “Wow, I didn’t expect that answer!” Of course, like I said, I don’t share things like that, and such responses are part of the reason… don’t want to mess with people’s expectations, to shock them, surprise them, etc. Don’t want to be judged. But then, hardly anyone shares very personal things at the taproom, and definitely not in a very personal way.

“No one understood your pain in the past, this is why I said alone mentally, I don’t think anyone chooses to be alone, I think that its something like a bad luck“- I didn’t choose to be alone. This mental alone-ness was like I was suspended in vacuum and everyone else existed over there, beyond my vacuum, living life un-suspended.

I wrote to you: “I felt badly about having written it to you” in regard to the imagining I suggested, and you wrote: “It was a nice line, I liked it (happy face emoji)”. How nice that you cared to cheer me up in regard to what I felt badly about…!

“Impossible is over exaggerating word, what I meant, its very very unlikely to happen“- difference noted.

“I can imagine such thing, but I can’t believe it, in my mind, I HATE things I can’t believe in, so I shouldn’t have said ‘I can’t imagine that’: my mind simply won’t allow me. I can force this imagination, but I won’t enjoy it. This is why when I started to believe that I can’t have a normal relationship, I started to imagine pity love, etc., back then it was enough, in time I learned that this kinda of love isn’t worth it, so I kinda ran out. Anything that is a bit unrealistic, my mind will disregard it immediately, one of the qualities of having a strong need for the truth“-

– This is a powerful paragraph, and I want to really understand it, thoroughly. I remember that you shared that your mother’s thinking is (my words:) the opposite of realistic thinking that adheres to the truth. It is a magical, superstitious thinking. I suppose this is why you became an atheist (like Max in the movie)- religion having so much unrealistic, untruthful thinking. I imagine that the words I am typing right now don’t express exactly what you mean, but I am trying to understand exactly. And as I told you before, I don’t edit what I write, not with you. Coming to think about it, I think that we have this in common, I too care a lot for truthful, realistic thinking- it is .. maybe the ONLY FREEDOM LEFT for me, the only power or.. only difference I can make in my life, to simply think truthfully and realistically.

Back to you imagining a woman loving you freely, willingly- you can imagine it but what’s the point of doing that when you will not enjoy it, because you don’t believe that it will happen, or more precisely, you believe that it is “very very unlikely to happen”. Plus, you HATE imagining things you don’t believe will happen. This reminds me of my anger yesterday when you didn’t post when I expected you to post- I hate expecting people to be consistent about anything, to be reliable, dependable because that’s not my experience with people, particularly, with my Mother, the Evil Presence in my life. She is the one that jailed me in that vacuum realm- suspended, away from the living.

I wrote to you: “I don’t like this characterization, that of an ‘unfortunate soul’, suggesting a world of fortunate souls with two exceptions..”, and you wrote: “I didn’t understand this part, can you elaborate more?“- hardly anyone asks me to elaborate on what I say, or I don’t remember it happening.. what I meant is that in the “vacuum realm- suspended, away from the living” I mentioned right above, I saw “the living” as everyone else, the fortunate ones, free to live, while I was not. Later on, as I broke through that vacuum and connected with some others, eventually, I got to see that I was not the only one suffering, not the only one with wasted years, wasted life. It was not me-and-them, it was a mix of people, anxious and suffering in different ways, different times, all .. sort of suspended between being human (mortal, in the flesh) and god (imagining immortality/ eternal living free of pain).

Coming to think about it, it is the imagining of the unrealistic and untruthful (eternal living without pain) that is dangerous, which brings so much pain, the not understanding that life is inherently painful and final, just like any other animal’s.

“…It didn’t end, there was a glimpse of hope, the music choice support that, its sad with a little of hope, in the end Max was looking at the ceiling, looking at Mary’s letters, she then holds his hand, her friendship with him will remain in her memory, it was immortal“- it is amazing, I keep writing a paragraph before reading your next paragraph and what you write next connects with what I wrote right before:

The glimpse of hope that their friendship is immortal is unrealistic thinking… wait, in her memory, it will stay, so she knows it’s possible, then of course her memory will end when she dies, or she may lose it if her brain gets injured or sick.. I may be splitting hairs here, overthinking. No, I don’t think that the ending of the movie is realistic in a literal sense. Figuratively it has a meaning, very much so. One true togetherness makes future togetherness possible because you already have that experience. You can believe something to happen again because it already happened.

“If you ever noticed, in life Max, it’s black and white, in Mary’s- its colorful. My life is kinda black and white. What I liked about the movie, is that it’s realistic, Max’s life is similar to mine: he worked a few jobs, he did a few things, but he wasn’t happy, he wasn’t sad either, just living. The movie gives a closer look to the truth, with a little bit of hope, there are people like Max, and they will always be alone, and it’s because of who they are, deserving has nothing to do with it. My brother is (who also on the autism spectrum) is one, it’s just so good to see your suffering in other people (I feel that I’m not alone)“-

It is amazing how we people need to not be alone, even if it is through watching a movie. Yes, you are not alone in being alone.. makes me think of these words that you see on your computer, or on your phone right now as you read it, think of it as words on paper taped to the ceiling. I see your words right now taped to the ceiling.. I took a few moments to visualize it, seeing your words up above me.. It is as if parts of yourself are right here, right above me, tangible, I can touch them, touch the paper if I stand up on a chair, touch the paper you touched, which you wrote on.

“In Mary however, I don’t see anything similar, I didn’t like that she got depressed and ruined her life over a letter from a person, I will never let an external thing move me like that“- maybe I see something about me in her: when you didn’t post when I expected you to post, I let that unmet expectation ruin my connection with you, at least on that day, or part of the day (yesterday), and in so doing, I was to ruin a whole lot: the results to-be, from that connection, more mental-togetherness, more understanding, more of that freedom to think what is true and real.

anita