Lara,

I agree that you acted like a fool, but perhaps not in the way you meant it. In tarot, the cultivation of wisdom is described by the journey of the fool in the major arcana. The fool is willing to follow their heart right off the side of a cliff. There is a loving innocence about them, and they see a possibility and jump. So congratulations, you acted on your feelings and are learning some lessons! I’m sorry it was painful, but sometimes we are stubborn and try the same patterns over and over until we learn.

It sounds to me pretty much what happened, but this time you kept your eyes open while you jumped, which is a great thing. Osho said that a breakdown plus awareness produces a breakthrough. Do you see how you lost control, gave in to craving him, and felt a tremendous pain from the actions that resulted? Its enough just to see it, there is no need for regret!

Consider that when we are craving, the inner “slobbering dog” comes out of us, and we sniff and lick all around trying to find some satisfaction from the world around us. When we are rejected, we feel almost like we were struck in the nose! The resulting feeling of icky isolation, if conditions are just so, can help us see that we are the light in this world. He can’t and won’t fix that for you, its something your heart has to embrace.

Perhaps next time when you are feeling “oh I miss him so much, and feel the need to satisfy my heart with trying to connect to him” you will see that you are already the peace and divinity, the love and warmth… and you can turn inward instead of to him. Said differently, what we are really seeking in those moments is peace and love, which is actually our nature and birthright.

I am really impressed by how potent your emotions are… its a very great thing! I know it seems more like a curse right now, but as you grow your wisdom you’ll see what I mean. Those emotions teach and guide us, make our dumb decisions painful, and our wise decisions sparkly. Consider that they are like a divine radio, where our body tells us of the harmonies and disharmonies that surround our decisions. Said differently, please don’t give up and try to harden your heart, it is full of wisdom.

With warmth,
Matt