Dear TeaK,

Thank you once again for ur reply,

Yes, till now i’m still trying to contain my mental chatter as i’ve live with it for a long time….. and as you said i’m very dependent on other people’s opinion…

I think i do that so that i can fulfil society standards….

As you know i’m insecure with my height as it doesnt reach the standards on an average guy… Like i wanna show to people that i’m not left behind… i can get myself a pretty girl…. i think this is the reason why i keep chasing her (as she’s pretty imo) and i have that low self-esteem in which i’m trying to convince myself to improve.

I also thought to fulfil society standards, people must view me as having “lots of friends”…. but after graduating uni (most of my friends in uni are from different cities and most of them go back to their hometown) i feel like most of my friends right now are busy with themselves (busy with life, relationship, work)… i still cant adapt to this…. is this adulthood? As someone who’s more experienced than me im sure you understand this situation?

Few years back when i started uni i also feel a bit different and i have difficulties in adapting…. like most of my friends on highschool are childish and fun…. but in uni i cant see those personalities anymore…. like the way people talk are more calm and serious….

I think the only way to slowly get rid of the mental chatter is to “stop caring of others opinion”…..  i hope if i use this mindset it wont affect me to be lazy…. because sometimes i feel the mental chatter motivates me…. like how it shows me to live with society standards by having many friends….. maybe without it i wont have as many friends as i have now.

If i become my true self…. i’ll be a person who doesnt speak to anyone…. like i’m a person who prefers in my room alone without anyone as i’m an introvert… but i know i cant do that… that’s why i taught myself to follow society standards. I know some people have it easy with life… and i never consider myself to fall into that category.

Also i’m not a likeable person as i’m not fun to talk with….. i cant find anything of myself that someone could like…. i even barely smile…. i think i inherit this personality from my dad, it’s not about my self-esteem but i really think of myself that way….. I really enjoy alone (alone equals to no drama)…. and having bond with people will mostly only cause disappointment… Even my closest friend, i really hope that they can understand me fully….. but they cant… Does this world really works this way? Then why do people wanna be sociable if no one can understand ourselves fully?