Dear Gary,

it seems to me you’re feeling a complex mix of emotions. You feel sorry for her, since she’s terminally ill, but it seems you also resent her for going through with the divorce (“She seemed so callous and uncaring and it cut me to the bone.”) and for never apologizing for hurting you.

You’re wondering if she ever even loved you, and would like to get that answer from her, before she dies. Well, what if she loved you but in a selfish and immature way (like Inky said), and since you weren’t meeting her needs, she looked for someone else. And then when she found that you too had an affair, she was extremely offended (indignant, you say) and perhaps continued with Rob partly out of spite.

It seems she wasn’t mature enough to apologize, perhaps she felt she was hurt more by your cheating than you were by hers (which also suggest immaturity on her part). Also the fact that she would be spending time with her lover while her two small children (age 2 and 4) were alone with the babysitter shows another layer of irresponsibility and immaturity.

If you look at her as having been immature at the time you knew her (and if you agree with this characterization), how do you feel about her?