Sarah,

I agree, it is really important to figure out what is hiding behind emotions like anger. Anger is a strong overwhelming emotion, it blurry the source of the issue, and the access to the inner wound needing to be soothed. No wonder you found the idea of going to the root helpful. Understanding how emotions work is very important to find a way to appease ourselves.

Honestly, all the movie is really well done and helpful. It goes through a lot of good points. The thing that has touched my heart was to see so much compassion. One of my fear that makes me avoidant of people is the lack of compassion and understanding of differences that I may receive. I had bad experiences with people in positions of authority when I was young. Teachers, doctors… And not because I was problematic, but their reactions towards my difficulties were harsher and judgemental than compassionate. It hurt my trust in people. So, witnessing caring, compassionate, and helpful people is very heartwarming for me. It shows other experiences, and I really appreciate it.

Ocean sounds are really nice for journaling indeed, I also like coffee shops/tea rooms sounds, rain sounds, fireplaces, and all these atmospheric videos. Meditations can be a hit or a miss for me, it’s very aleatory, depending on the meditation and my mood. There’s a lot of timing and compatibility factors I guess. But it is helpful sometimes so I keep trying them out and exploring. I searched the reiki asmr video. It was hard to stay serious at first, but the gestures are interesting, I can see how it can give a feeling of relief. Or some kind of an experience. It felt like tickles for me. It was a bit awkward, but interesting anyway.

I’ve got a question. What is the meaning/idea behind the “I surrender” mantra?

I equally think self-compassion is a way to become stronger and build a better armor/resilience. I’m slowly getting there. I am a bit shy in these practices still. I am going slowly. A part of me feels like a wild animal who is still wary and cautious. There’s a bit of an unknown/doubtful feeling about receiving love and compassion. Like suddenly it could be taken back, or used against me as if it could be a way to let my guard down before attacking me. Which makes sense, as my parents switched between awkward affection and abuse. Sometimes without a warning. And I’m coming back from a long time of being too harsh with myself to cope/prepare for the harshness of others, so it makes sense the progress will come in small steps. I need to experience healthy affection for a longer time before I am able to really believe it and trust it.

I think getting used to oxytocin again will be part of this process. I never thought of self-massaging before, it seems like a good idea to get used to touching without requiring the intervention of someone else. Thank you for the idea. I am feeling shy and vulnerable when touching myself in a comforting way. I know that intimacy with other people, even animals sometimes, can be a bit overwhelming for me. I can do it and appreciate it, but there’s a lot of mixed feelings, insecurities, and worries that can bleed into it. I’ll have to pay attention to that more. At least deep conversation is a form of intimacy I am able to have, and used to have, it’s my comfort zone.

When it comes to my needs from other people… I guess I would start with stability and safety (the basics that should be achieved through mutual respect and communication), and connection, a sense of belonging or acceptance I guess. I have that with some internet friends, or some friends from college I’m keeping in touch with, but I’d like to have it back into my life physically and in real-time. I can have that with my siblings, when we’re not too preoccupied. I hope someday I will be having that in a better environment. For now, I am not very open to meeting new people where I live. I do not like this place, and I do not want more connections in a place I do not want to be part of. At some point, I’d like to start over. It isn’t going to happen before a few years at least, but I want to see how I would be when I won’t be facing as much external negativity.

I think the thanks in advance is a good trick, I’ll be sure to keep it in mind while facing problems. It seems like a smart strategy. Mindfulness too, I am trying to get it into my habits.

I am unsure how you could help further, you are already doing a lot for me, and I am grateful for what you have done already.

Linarra