Dear Linarra:

“She’s sucking my oxygen“- I thought of my mother as a vampire, sucking my blood (what a parallel!)

“My mother’s greatest pain was the absence of love and support from her mother“- reads to me that there was not only an absence in her childhood in regard to her mother, but also the presence of dislike and aversion, some anger must have been present (her mother didn’t like her, threw her out at 18, rejected her love and avoided her).

“she would react just as if the insults she threw at us were insults we threw at her“- she heard insults from her past, imagined that her children were thinking those insults and proceeded to defend herself against.. the voices in her head.

“we could have destroyed her psychologically by aiming at her fears. But, why (what) for? Children need and want a functional healthy mother, not an abused one“-

– the abusive, materialistic mother who cares for appearances, doesn’t need a healthy child, she has no use for a healthy child. Later on, when her child is an adult, she sees the use: an adult can add to her income, make it possible for her to live in a bigger house, provide her with expensive things and prestige. But a child? A child cannot give her what she wants. She doesn’t care what a child feels inside.. If her child feels happy and healthy, can she buy anything with it?

“she possessed me like an object, refused me to grow as a person, wanted to keep me in her loving-yet-abusive prison… She loved me as she would love a possession. I didn’t want this kind of love“- but it was not any kind of love, not even a love of an object kind-of-love: when a person loves an object, she doesn’t purposefully break the object, does she…?

“If she can’t love me the healthy way then I just need space from her“- what if she didn’t love you at all.. what if she was/is often angry at you, intending to hurt you, and then doing what she can do to hurt you (without leaving incriminating evidence like broken bones) … and then, once in a while she feels affection for you… is that love?

“she wants to love and be loved so bad“- but she wants to destroy more than she wants to love.. (?)

“How did you find your meaning and personal power?”- part answer, what comes to my mind at this time: by seeing more and more of what is true and removing from my understanding what is not true. For example (since I mentioned love right above): I mistakenly believed that my mother loved me and therefore I felt very, very badly about ending all contact with her, which I finally did in 2013. I thought that me ending contact with her will break her heart. I finally understood that she didn’t love me, and therefore, I understood that for her, having no contact with me- was not a  big deal. It was a big deal only in my mind and heart, not in hers.

Bringing this part-answer to a bigger answer: once you are able to separate yourself from your mother, to really know who you are vs who she is, what is yours, what is hers– it is then that you can find your individual meaning and personal power.

“Was it our discussion that made you feel pleasant joy, or am I interpreting it wrong?“- imagine.. I felt joy and I didn’t bother to ask myself Why… amazing.. I used to be so analytical, I used to let nothing just be. My answer, therefore, is I just felt a pleasant type of joy, don’t remember now. I don’t even care to know why.. it just felt good.

anita

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