You appear to be at constant war with yourself

Though first you have to define “yourself” cause i got no definition

If you say its your nature, basic needs, dreams and desires, i wouldn’t agree, because i don’t like to be told who to be, or what to be, i will be an animal in people eyes, just because i want to, now the good question would be, why? Why i want such thing? Is this why can be changed? No, why? Cause the person having this, sees no problem with it, what else to do then? Tell me, peter, whats the next logical step? And be harsh, i didn’t see your replay as harsh.

Probably a illusion

The thing is, without this illusion, without any illusions and false hopes, life is just one ugly bitch.

You want relationship but only on your terms which isn’t relationship

My terms are fair though, not realistic though, at least not where i live, but yeah i dropped the idea of relationships long time ago, when i knew its my falut, It would be helpful if you quote me, to understand which part that i said that make you think that.

You desire dialog while determined not to look past your certainties,

I have no certainties, only doubts, lots and lots of doubts, about everything and anything, a never ending doubt.

and then act surprised when you didn’t get anywhere.

Never surprised, i actually expected this lifestyle, and expected it will be this bad, what i didn’t expect, is that i will face the consequences more then often, should’ve expected that as well, but it would take years to do so.

I imagine your reply that only a normal person would think that.

No, its only a defense mechanism, you have to understand where i live, how people see me, and what they assume when i tell just one thing about my life, imagine being told lies after lies after lies, and the lies being pushed as the truth, the truth wouldn’t matter anymore, the lie became the truth, and if you ever think differently, then you deserve isolation, misunderstood, judged, blamed, shamed, gulited, thats the normal, and when i told you, you trigger it, by blaming, you didn’t mean to, and im sorry for my response, but it hurts.

Your life philosophy is contradiction and unskillful even if reasoned or illusion

I would suggest otherwise, because here i am, alive, so it was skillfull by making me survive, is it true? I don’t think so, is it helpful? Definitely, the more i live, the more i realize i made the best solution, the second best, you know the first.

So honest with your self you lost sight of your self

What self? The one was giving to me by society? The one that was giving by my father and mother parenting? Thier qualities and desires and dreams? Yikes, i perfer the one i created, the one that i control, the non people pleaser, the not weak one, the not so given up to societal ideas, the one that doesn’t care wether basic needs are met or not, the unhuman one, the one that is nearly a god, a monster, an animal, the one that doesn’t care about anything, doesn’t have any values or dreams, the one thats not under any control, the one that is the only person i trust, the one that makes me feel good, the one that is so comforting, the one that is smart, and doesn’t make luck decide his distany.

I sound crazy, well i might be, the thing is, if i am, there is no solution, and people help often are just projection (i don’t mean you) they often tells you what you need to do, because they value such thing, they often advice you, using thier logic and thier point of view, i realized “help” is just a made up word, a made up concept, for the people who believe such illusion, such silly idea, who can a person helps me? With words? With actions? All doesn’t work, all is meaninglessness.

One half your world is real the other half denied expression.

I had to deny my basic needs, either way im not getting them, so why not remove them?

You use words to define, contain and make things small.  For you I wonder if the map has not become the territory

“Nothing is true, everything is permitted” add to that a silliness, a sense that life is a complete joke, sometimes unfunny, a clown theater, so yes, i treat life, as everything is just a joke, never serious.

I don’t mean to me harsh, or maybe I do. I don’t know, it happens

You were nice, at least you didn’t write anything abstract lol.

What is it you really expect from such dialog

Honestly ? The worse, which is either being misunderstood, or the expected thing, which is to be ignored, sometimes i will just make a post to prove to myself the latter, and that norimes, truely don’t understand me, or don’t want anything to do with me, imagine this is online, so what happens when i say half this, in a country that value work and being a man, that believe in a supernatural things, and anyone who don’t believe it, is either crazy or just pathetic, because he is going to hell, im way ahead of my time, too ahead that its impossible to live with such people.

My only friend, the only person who looked like me, lived like me, thinked like me, decide to actually do it, the thing is, what he said “you either die or live long enough to humiliate yourself” i Choosed the latter, i choosed apathy, to sacrifice my basic needs and feelings and desires and dreams, in order to survive, what a great cost, soild my humanity for few years, what a silly decision, now i can’t go back, nothing gonna stop me now.