Thank you so much for explaining,
I think I am starting to understand your point, your story made me cry to be honest… I know that there is something here I have to see that I can’t see, or maybe i just have to wait, I am not sure, but as you said, I do feel like I have to do something here which I don’t know what it is yet, and trying too hard is making me go blind as you said. I think maybe I am starting to get mentally depressed because of it and this is dangerous territory. because my natural self usually is a go getter, I can not sit and watch, I am a doer, I go after what i want as I have done before, and no matter what happens I try to get it. I am a hard headed capricorn that if I need to learn something to be able to get something, I read every single book in that direction, if I need to master something, I take a class, etc. So this is the first time in my life I just feel like I really can’t, something is holding me back from being a go getter like I was before, not sure if I have lost my trust in myself, or I just feel it’s the right thing to do, I didn’t even message the guy back(as I explain he disappears) to say where are you, I said he will message if he wants to, I just feel like a different person, not sure if it is in a good way or bad. I have been working on myself, reading and writing for couple of months now after that incident, and maybe I have been focusing too much in finding out what to do and NYC, you might be right,you know the feeling that you just feel like; it feels so right for me to just sit here and read and write, I really don’t want to do anything else. I feel like I am clear now that this is what I am suppose to do, and that incident made me and forced me to have all this time to be able to work on my website and start writing again. So everything else just feels totally wrong, now as you say I might be blinded, or just emotionally tired, because I went through a big trauma, and I feel like I am at the end of my trying game, it is time for thigns to fall into place, because I have no more energy left to start from bottom again.

So, you know that feeling of being numb? this is how I feel after this couple of months. Maybe all this thinking and pondering and being by myself not wanting to be around people until I be able to figure things out made me this way, but I feel like I am ok with this, I mean I only need money now to get bills and rent and living situation sorted, other than that, I am ok. I feel like it suppose to be this way, I would love to be in NYC, but right now I am ok it feels right to be at home and work on my website. To be honest other than the outside world problems I had, this past couple of months have been nice for me , working on my website and reading books I want and finding what i want to do.
If only I knew what to do about money, and you are right, I know I will end up in NYC when the time is right, I am not sure if the time is now, it might be, but I just know what I want to do and what I am suppose to do specially in NYC. When I was praying the other day in the shower and crying and asking GOD how do I get paid, because this is all I know and I don’t know what to do about money, and please tell me what to do, all of a sudden I heard something , it was so weird, I heard it so clearly, someone said; give what you can give, and I will take care of you. I think I lose faith very easily and i have to remind myself that I have faith.
Thanks JAC, and matt
sorry I started rambling now, I have to read your posts all over again maybe I could figure out what to do now, but thank you so much for the insights. JAC you are a very insightful lady, hope we could talk more .
Love
Danubelle