Dear Linarra:

“For long, I felt guilty for not being able to empathize, for yelling at her when she was hurting me“- you were and still somewhat confused about the chicken and the egg dilemma: what came first: the chicken or the egg.

There are two items here: (1) she hurting you, and (2) you yelling at her. Which of the two is the Action and which of the two is the Reaction? Who is the Actor and who is the Reactor?

“she looked pitiful, anyone would have had sympathy…  it always makes me wonder if I am the one with a problem, as I don’t feel empathy, as I say her “I don’t care” when she’s speaking of her death. It makes me wonder if I am really the abuser she tells me I am“-

Is it appropriate to feel empathy or sympathy for a person who is hurting you? What would happen to a deer who feels empathy for the mountain lion approaching the deer for food?

If your mother went to psychotherapy, it would be appropriate for the therapist to feel and express empathy for your mother. If a stranger felt and expressed empathy for her while sharing a ride with her on the train- that’s appropriate. But it is not appropriate for a victim to feel empathy and be influenced by empathy for her/ his victimizer.

It is very close to my bedtime. Good night for now, sweet Linarra.

anita