Dear Javier,

I am glad that sensorimotor therapy gave you a small hope and a sense of inner peace, even though it was a little overwhelming at first. But your therapists seem to know what they are doing:

The psychiatrists have urged me to be patient, as I need to get a deeper awareness of physical symptoms and sensations and how these relate to my traumas and emotional response.

Acceptance is the first step, and forgiveness the next. There is no quick fix, so I would try everything to heal myself.

This is also very true: self-acceptance is the first precondition for healing. It was Carl Rogers who said: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” So you’re completely right. And self-forgiveness is the next step. I am really glad you’re giving yourself a chance and doing all you can to heal.

I still need to work on getting stuck in my past. Are there any mind activities or books that address that?

One tool is to focus your awareness on the present moment: on your breath and your five senses (there is an exercise to name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste). The goal is to pay attention to the here and  now, while you are repeating to yourself that right now, you are safe. This helps you not to slip so easily into the old trauma. There are many such exercises in the book I mentioned (by Arielle Schwartz) and the accompanying workbook, by the same author.

During my last session, my psychiatrist said I was mourning not only the death of my unborn child but also my own. He was surprised that I could hold so much pain and sorrow for so long time. I’ve been mourning my “death” since my father left my mother and rejected me and my brothers.

That’s interesting. It could be that you were mourning your “death” because your mother was mourning her own “death” after your father abandoned her. Although he was a bully and abused you all, I got the impression that she, due to her own weaknesses, felt lost and devastated when he left. And I can only assume that she transferred this feeling to you. She collapsed and couldn’t properly take care of you, and you collapsed too. That’s why recently when she broke down and started crying, you too were crying uncontrollably with her. You were still that child who felt completely abandoned and helpless, because his mother felt abandoned and helpless too.

He was surprised that I could hold so much pain and sorrow for so long time.

Because it’s probably not just your own pain and sorrow, but your mother’s too. On top of that, you’re blaming yourself for your mother’s misery, when it wasn’t your fault at all.