Dear Anita,

“someone to wake you up to how uncomfortable it really is to live with her. When you experience living with her to be too difficult to endure, it will be easy for you to leave. If I was to be that someone, I think you’d hate me for taking away your habituation-comfort.”

I don’t think I would hate you. If you were able to make me take away so much of my habituation of her, it would mean I love you very much. Because I don’t think I’d be able to change that without love. The time I lost my habituation of her the most was the time I had… another place to be, with people and a routine I liked very much. I was closer to be happy. To lose this habituation takes love and comfort somewhere else. I couldn’t hate it, just like I couldn’t hate you, for losing my comfort with the Monster. Plus, she’s responsible for my discomfort. My habituation is a coping mechanism, it can be put back if necessary.

Of course, it would be uncomfortable to not have it and having nowhere to go, if somehow you were able to take it away just from our conversations. (I can’t tell if it would go there though, I feel love for you, a lot, but I also make the difference between this love and… the feeling of having a safe home, a familiar place where I belong. It takes more than love for a person I am afraid.) Even you managed to make me lose all my habituation through our conversation, I wouldn’t hold it against you. You are not responsible of how I cope or do not cope. And if our conversation makes me less comfortable with the monster, I’ll figure it out. You wouldn’t be deserving of hate for that, you are way to kind and lovely. My suffering is my problem, I’ll have to find a healthy way to solve it. And a healthy way is definitely not hating someone who sincerely wish only good for me. Definitely not turning against someone I care about and who isn’t the cause of my suffering. I would hate myself if I did that. I told you I will do my best to keep the monster I live with away from you. It also meand I do not want my habituation to her (which she’s responsible of) or the loss of it to cause you harm such as the loss of our connection.

“relaxing and seeing Her and your situation as it is, without the habituation lenses. It will take courage, not pressure, to see it as it is. When you do, it will become easy to leave.”

I can’t help but still be doubtful at the easiness. My beliefs on the difficulty of it are strong, even if I see her as she is. But maybe more look on the overall situation could help to deconstruct my beliefs.

“freedom from the Monster is good for you, no doubt.”

Yes, no doubt on that. I meant: there are several paths to go to leave. I am only reassured when knowing what path I’m taking, and I have a hard time chosing one on which I would be more motivated than afraid.

“too precious to not copy. You are welcome and I am glad we are having our conversation, it is significant for me too and I love our connection! Like you I was very academic. Becoming emotional is the growing of branches and leaves and blossoms that I’ve been talking about. Also, life with branches and leaves is way more interesting than the life of a bare tree trunk!”

I am smiling. And I agree, it’s more interesting and beautiful! Trees with branches and leaves have… Life, beauty, a lot of interesting diversity and interactions as they go through the seasonal cycle. It’s really beautiful.

Linarra