Dear Miss.Lex,

I believe you did the right thing to ask for a break, because he admitted he still has feelings for his ex girlfriend and he’s heartbroken that she left him:

he shared that he was still heartbroken from a previous relationship (one in which he was ‘in love’ with the person)

a reason why he was unable to emotionally validate was because of how emotionally invested in this previous relationship

said he still wants to be with me only if I don’t make his situation about the heartbreak an issue

he feels like he still not over his past relationship

If he isn’t over his ex and maybe even wants her back, then naturally he isn’t capable of a deep, intimate relationship with you. Maybe he kept in touch with you after you left to another state because he felt less lonely and it felt good to have someone to talk to. Has he talked to you about his past relationship and his heartbreak? Because that too is a sign that the person isn’t over it and cannot really focus on their present relationship…

I communicated to him that that we should take a break with no communication until he has done more reflection on his feelings. I expressed that I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to stop talking to him, but it was not fair for me to have an open heart willing to provide unconditional emotional support while he does not due to a past feelings. My intention of a break with no contact was to allow the possibility to reconnect in a healthy way in the future — if he chooses to do so.

I think you did the right thing.

Now I am left here with feelings of disappointment and hurt. …  I am sad. I know I should feel proud in standing up for myself (I’ve never done that before in romance) and also in communicating my needs instead of bottling them up due to fear of conflict. But I do not feel proud. I feel sadness because I feel like I lost something (our connection) while standing up for something else (me). I doubt I did the right thing.

This can have to do with some emotional wound of yours. Sometimes, as children, we believe we need to give up on ourselves to get the love from our parents or caretakers. Standing up for ourselves is not an option, because that means being abandoned by those we love (and depend on). Do you perhaps have such an experience?

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Tee.