Dear Miss Lex:

I will read and reply to you when I am back to the computer, in about 12 hours from now. I hope other members reply to you before I return.

anita

Dear Miss.Lex:

It often helps to re-read a member’s previous threads so to shed light on the current thread”

Close to 7 years ago, November 2014, you were 23 years old, you shared: “My ex-boyfriend dumped me a month ago. We were in a relationship for a little over a year. For about 2 months we began to have arguments… Many of these arguments involved me crying about something and all that I wanted was someone to hug me when I was upset…He also mentioned to me that when he thought I broke up with him, he said he was sad, angry and then grateful to not deal with the stress anymore… In the end he said that I was too invested, and that he needed a more independent woman, as well as stating that he wanted to say something positive about me but couldn’t say anything in that moment”,

“My first relationship was when I was 18… My second relationship was worse and I was 19. It lasted a year, but we broke up and got back together multiple times. Our relationship was extremely unhealthy where a majority of it involved us arguing, yelling, and full of emotional abuse… I met my recent ex-boyfriend when I was 22…  I tend to get sad and cry a lot when my feelings get hurt or when I feel neglected, and I wasn’t able to communicate how I felt in a rational manner… He would always say that he felt like he was walking on egg shells with me, or that the relationship was too difficult and shouldn’t be so hard”.

In December 2014, you shared: ” I want to work on being more open and honest with all of my relationships in my life so they can see the real me. I tend to put on a facade (not intentionally) that everything is perfect in my life… I told my ex-partner that I cry in stressful situations and I find crying beautiful and therapeutic early in our relationship. He later told me that when I cry he associates that response with traumatic events that he has experienced and can’t handle me crying when my feelings get hurt. (Well, that sucks.)”

Five years ago, In July 2016, you shared: “I fell deeply for my friend and expressed my feelings and he reciprocated those feelings at the time back in November. However, later I was feeling more than he wanted. I was wanting more of a relationship and he did not. So I told him to that it would be best to be friends in February. When I stated that his actions did change (stopped calling, texting, and checking in). All actions that I liked. I never expressed this to him. Instead I avoided him and tried to forget my feelings. Two months or so later we kissed, which lead to casual sex. I thought I could do this without the intention being in a relationship…Yesterday we had a conversation where he just hurt my feelings… I sat there quietly, crying… I just feel extremely hurt because I just feel like I am never good enough for anyone that I decide to invest my love… I don’t know what else to say, or do, but to just cry”.

Yesterday, September 4 2021: “I’ve been dating someone for the past three-ish months. What made me so attracted to him was his honesty, his love for the outdoor…As time progressed, things got hairy. I began to feel anxious about our developing relationship and at the time I didn’t know what the root of my anxiety was coming from. Eventually (after many failed communication attempts), I was able to share where my anxiety was coming from. It was from the lack of empathy, and emotional validation that I was receiving when I was expressing a concern. I want to feel secure when I bring up something that is going on with me — I believe that is normal in relationships. When I vocalized this to him, he communicated again words in a defensive tone. So I felt emotionally unseen again. Couple days later, he shared that he was still heartbroken from a previous relationship.. I didn’t want to stay in fear of being stuck in a therapist role or of not being fully chosen by someone in a romantic way in the end.. I communicated to him that that we should take a break with no communication until he has done more reflection on his feelings… I know I should feel proud in standing up for myself (I’ve never done that before in romance) and also in communicating my needs instead of bottling them up due to fear of conflict. But I do not feel proud. I feel sadness because I feel like I lost something (our connection) while standing up for something else (me). I doubt I did the right thing… He often tells me that I derive incorrect conclusions based on a ‘feeling’ — so it makes me doubt myself. However, I can’t help but wonder though at the same time, I wouldn’t feel such shame by making irrational conclusions or voicing how I feel, if he showed he cared for me instead of focusing on what’s right or wrong. It makes me feel like his words do not match his actions”.

I will now list a few thoughts/ themes that I see as consistent through your above sharing. Each of the following is not true to all your relationships at all times, but are consistent enough, as I see it. If you would like, let me know your thoughts about each theme, and we can communicate further:

(1) You get very anxious and very emotional when in a relationship with a man, often overwhelmed with intense emotional distress.

(2) You expect the man to calm your intense emotional distress, something neither man was successful in doing. When they try- they don’t do a good enough job.

(3) When they fail to calm your anxiety, you blame them for failing, claiming that they are not adequately validating and supportive of you.

(4) Their failure and your anger at their failure led to frequent arguments and to the men experiencing being in a relationship with you as something that’s too difficult, too distressing, and therefore they withdraw from or end the relationship with you altogether.

(5) Even though you are very emotional in the context of relationships, you need to learn how to communicate your emotions to them in a clear, honest and responsible way: you tend to express yourself irrationally and to blame the men for how you feel when it is not their fault.

(6) It seems to me that you felt neglected as a child, unloved.. hurt and angry,  and you feel the same when you are in a romantic relationship as an adult: neglected, unloved, hurt and angry. Angry, they feel that they are walking on eggshells. fearing the next time you cry or get angry at them.

(7)  You are so needy in the context of relationships with men that you fail to detect and attend to their needs, you are too much in pain to see theirs.

anita

Dear Miss.Lex:

“Thank you for attempting to answer my initial post and taking the time read it — I don’t expect a response, and no longer really seeking one here“-

-You are welcome and thank you for disagreeing with me assertively and respectfully– indeed I didn’t give you the credit that you deserve, and I regret it. If you change your mind and would like me to respond again, this time empathetically and focusing on the positive, let me know and I will be glad to try hard and do a better job replying to you here the next time.

anita

I don’t think you were wrong to confront an issue that had been bothering you in your relationship.

It’s hard to breakup with someone that you want to be with.

I think your doubting yourself because you don’t want to be the one to say goodbye. The “loss” can feel worse if you think you’re responsible for ‘throwing away’ the relationship.

But I also don’t think you got much support or validation when you spoke up. Instead, he seemed to gaslight you somewhat by suggesting that you were being unreasonable — by “jumping to conclusions” — and trying to make sense of the obvious discrepancies between his words and his actions.

You can only go off the information that you’re given, and if he’s only giving you mixed signals then of course your going to struggle with the decision.

At some point, though, the choice to continue to build and maintain a healthy nourishing relationship with you is his. If that’s what he wanted, he would’ve found a way to assuage your fears and clear up any misunderstandings to avoid losing you. But he didn’t do even that , which leads me to believe that he has already made his choice and he just hasn’t told you yet.

I know its painful. I’m going through a very similar situation myself. I just hope you will find some comfort in my words and make peace with yourself.

“Don’t set yourself on fire to keep another warm”