Hi

I’ve been going through quite an emotional rough patch during these past few weeks. I hope someone can help me gain some insights as sometimes I doubt I am thinking clearly enough.

So, I’ve known this woman for quite a long time. Due to a variety of reasons, we remained acquaintances for some years and it was only a few months ago that we started to get closer. Due to corona and restrictions where I am (not in the US), it was quite difficult for us to see each other physically as often as we would have liked; yet, we spent long hours on the phone, texted each other every day and were, to some extent, very well involved with each other’s lives. We constantly talked about our days, how we did at work and all those ‘minor’ things you share with your close ones.

I guess our relationship took the form of some sort of LDR.

Anyway, everything started off amazingly. Through our conversations I got to know lots of things about her and found out many qualities in her I admire and cherish. She started to show similar feelings towards me — or so she said. I said I loved her, she said she loved me.

One day, after a few months following this long-distance dynamic, we had a conversation about “the future” — I have to admit when she put it on the table it took me by surprise; but not in a bad manner, I just wasn’t expecting that conversation.

I mean, before this conversation we had already talked about plans for a post-corona world. We began talking about more intimate things and plans, all this filled with love and passion. We managed to share some amazing sexting sessions and intimate photos. I was like an open book to her regarding my feelings and how I actually saw her as part of my life for the long run. She laid some ground rules to be fulfilled before taking our ‘virtual’ relationship to the next level. I understood them, accepted them and, in my mind, put them as non-negotiable for the time being, until we were able to actually spend more time together in the ‘real’ world. Only to have her a few weeks later mentioning how she wanted to take the next step even though her initial conditions weren’t yet achieved. For me it was like she had put on some rules, only to suggest breaking them later herself.

My reaction was that of confusion. I didn’t get angry, much less scared, I just wasn’t expecting her to make that move and didn’t know what to say at first. She took that as if I was getting cold feet on us and got heavily scared; she freaked out and told me that suggesting we could further consolidate our relationship was a very stupid thing to say, that she was sorry and regretted bringing up that subject. It didn’t matter how much I tried to explain my reaction, nothing changed her mind.

From that moment onward, our relationship started to cool off. She became distant and stopped being that loving woman I thought I had found. A hot-and-cold dynamic started to appear, at some times she was okay talking to me as if nothing had happened followed by longer radio silence periods, messages left on ‘seen’ and a sudden barrier between us. She took a ‘defensive’ stance and a more superficial approach to our conversations.

I tried to keep things going on but eventually, this constant attraction-rejection thing started to wear me out. Dealing with GAD and recurring (albeit mild) depression episodes myself made it harder for me to handle it.

Eventually, I confronted her about her change of attitude. Her reasoning time and again was that she didn’t feel ready for a relationship. That she really didn’t know what she wanted. That she had found in me ‘the right guy’ (in opposition to the ‘wrong guys’ she had found in her previous relationships) but still wasn’t ready to commit to anything solid.

I told her I was willing to either take a more ‘casual’ relationship (sort of friends with benefits approach) or even to going back to a non-romantic non-sexual relationship if that was what suited her best for the time being; but none of those sufficed, although I never got an open rejection either (as in “I don’t want anything with you”).

Anyway, I know I must have made mistakes. I am aware I am by no means an ‘easy’ piece or the perfect catch. But I am absolutely sure that I was honest and upfront about my expectations, my wishes and what I could and could not offer to her.

I got to the point where all this push-pull from her became unbearable and decided to cut things off. I told her that it was okay if she didn’t know what she actually wanted, that I couldn’t (and wouldn’t) force her to decide anything if she was not ready but that I just couldn’t cope with such an emotional rollercoaster of her flirting with me, being sweet, caring, seductive and then just cold and detached.

She kinda got mad and told me she was surprised about my decision. As if she hadn’t noticed any of my questions and confrontations from weeks before. “I don’t understand” were her words — I thought that maybe she just wasn’t paying attention.

Long story short. This is hurting me sooo bad. I really thought I had found the woman for me to spend many years to come (I am a bit sceptical on ‘the one’ thing, but I really wanted to build something solid with her).

Now my feelings are a mixture of “was she playing with me?” “did she really care about me but was, genuinely, not ready?” “was everything she said at the beginning just a lie?”.

And more importantly, when I hit rock bottom I just question if I will ever find another woman with whom I can feel as happy as I felt with her. I just don’t know if maybe I am not that attractive or interesting or lovable. I am aware these questions might come across as stupid or ridiculous. From an analytic point of view I know those might be exaggerations, but damn, this hurts really really bad. Deeply.

Any advice? Books about situations like these? Has anyone gone through something similar? How did you manage?