Dear Cat:

I noticed something that I didn’t notice yesterday: in the beginning of your post, you wrote about Magic: “He is polyamorous and in a relationship with someone in France“, which means that you knew right before he visited you that (1) He is polyamorous, (2) He is currently involved with another woman in France.

Next,  you introduced him to your  housemates, one who is a single woman. After some drinks, he did his polyamorous thing and openly expressed to you and to her that .. basically, he is romantically interested in your housemate.

Your reaction: “this is where my world falls apart… My heart was broken… I went upstairs to my room to cry. It was horrible… that hurt was monumental. I felt overlooked, devalued and so many things… I felt too upset.. I’ve been so upset and messaging him how hurt I’ve been. It’s been horrible… incredibly hurt.. too hurt and also my own insecurities have flared up since Wednesday and I am struggling to see past them.. I am emotionally distraught and still shaking from the shock. My self esteem has been crushed“-

-this is a severe overreaction over almost a week, taking into consideration that you knew before his visit that he is in at least one other relationship and that he is polyamorous. Here is an online definition of polyamory: “Polyamory is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the informed consent of all partners involved“- well, what he said and did Wed night was what polyamorous people do, by definition. And yet, you reacted as if what he did was outside what one would realistically expect.

“he said that he went for a roast at Chris’s flat (Chris is my housemate Chloe’s boyfriend.. But Chris had told Magic not to tell me“- I am guessing that Chris did not want the drama in his own flat after witnessing your days-long severe reactions to the event of Wednesday night.

“We agreed that this trip was going to be about US“- the polyamorous definition of “us” (2 or more) is different from a mono-amorous definition (2).

The Mayo clinic, on Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), of which you were diagnosed: “inappropriate anger, impulsiveness and frequent mood swings may push others away, even though you want to have loving and lasting relationships”.

Under symptoms, it reads: “A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn’t care enough or is cruel“- I clearly remember this pattern in your previous relationships and we communicated about it at length.

Another symptom: “Periods of stress-related paranoia and loss of contact with reality, lasting from a few minutes to a few hours“- only yesterday you wrote: “This made me feel really paranoid“.

And very clearly, “Wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, which can include intense happiness, irritability, shame or anxiety” are very evident in your posts yesterday.

The Mayo clinic adds: “If you have borderline personality disorder, don’t get discouraged. Many people with this disorder get better over time with treatment and can learn to live satisfying lives“- and you already got better, having a stable employment, and stable relationships with your work colleagues and with your housemates. It is romantic relationships that are most difficult for you to manage. You wrote so more than 3 years ago, in August 10, 2018: “I have stable relationships with my housemates, people at work etc.,  etc. And it’s only romantic relationships that trigger me”-

Congratulations for over three years of progress! I hope that you will make progress in regard to your interactions with  men to whom you have romantic feelings. Build on the progress you already made, and don’t give up!

anita