Crissy, you have every right to feel the way you do, considering your history. Anyone who tells you to get over is being insensitive at best. It was a long process that created some of the issues, and it is going to be a long way back from there, but there is an abundance of happiness waiting for you along every step of that journey. I wish i could provide a cure all statement or piece of advice, but for some of those deeper seated issues, it sounds like you are a great candidate for counseling. We can only get so far by ourselves, and good counselor can help you navigate your own thoughts and help you solve some of those inner issues.

What you need to do is to break out of your state of mind you are in. Understand something, the way we feel is just a “state”. Happiness is a mindset, so is depression. If you have no control over your thought flow and your feelings about yourself, you are going to continue a downward spiral and live inside of that depressed world. You have to take control of your thoughts again. There are a number of ways to go about this, but meditation is the most effective way. If meditation isn’t for you, I recommend using other methods to get yourself shook out of the state of mind you have yourself in. The bottom line is you need to break free from the negative cycle you are in. The best way I have found to change my mental state and by using my body. When I am depressed or anxious, I go get a hard workout in and somehow it breaks the cycle. As soon as you notice the cycle starting, you need to shake out of it. Emotions can also be a very powerful tool to change your state. This is going to sound strange, but people do it unknowingly all of the time. The next time you start feeling depressed, channel your depressive energy into anger, or another powerful emotion. I’m not saying anger is healthier, but I guarantee you will be able to change your feelings from depressed to angry if you focus hard enough. This will mentally show you that you control your mental state. Emotions can be extremely useful when you need to break a certain mental state, so experiment with that as well. The take home message here is that no matter how you feel, remember that ultimately, it is a choice. What you focus on is what you will feel, so if you don’t like it, don’t let yourself focus on those negative things. Use meditation, exercise, and other emotions to prevent yourself from dwelling in negative thoughts. Sorry this isn’t very organized, I just wanted to share what has worked for me when I get myself in a rut like you are in. Experiment with some of these ideas, you will be amazed at how pliable the mind is. If you need some help learning a few simple meditations, check out my blog I write about all kinds of topics related to what I just mentioned. Things will get better, i promise you, but you need to start putting in the effort to better yourself, wanting to feel better isn’t enough, personal development is an active thing!

Dave
http://personal-growth-project.com

Crissy,
So sorry that you had to go through all of that. its not fair. I don’t come from similar situation but my mother is a wonderful but very tough woman. She always tells me and my sister to look within before blaming others. When I was little and if I came home bloody because some boy pushed me, she will say “what did you do to provoke him?”. recently, I went through a devastating break up where the man just broke up with me few days before a planned trip. Again, my ma’s first response was, “what did you do to him?” she never hears my cries and sadness in my voice. But stubbornly enough and after 30 years of not saying anything, I sat her down and told her how I felt. To my surprise, she understood. I have been in therapy for a few years now for various issues, self esteem, self hatred, anger issues and always “self blame”. It helps a lot. I have actually started seeing a psychiatrist lately as well. she is very holistic and we are going towards a good path to find out if there is anything I can take to manage my emotions. I tried anti depressant but it wasn’t for me. I am more of a exercise and eat right kind of person. Any who, what I am trying to say is that please try everything you can to manage this devastating feeling of betrayal and depression. No one can relate to your pain cause its yours. We can all give you every advise in the book but eventually you will have to decide what you want to do. Please do not hurt yourself or anyone else cause its not worth it.
Another big part of my healing process is volunteering. When you see a sick or handicap child smile, you know that you are very lucky cause you don’t feel the pain this tiny, beautiful creature is feeling. Special Olympics organization does a great job of recruiting volunteers. When I see a special child hit a ball or run around the bases in their soft ball game, something in my heart melts and says “this is the most beautiful site in the whole world”. Please try to volunteer for people you can help. You can probably be a great role model for abused youth. Even in your “bad” times, you seemed like a very smart woman and a good person. don’t ever loose that!
A good person is what you are!!

love and lots of good wishes

S

Crissy,

I am so very sorry for all you have been through. My heart goes out to you, deeply and full of sorrow that a dear sister has been wounded in such a way. One of the hardest things for us to accept is how terrible things happen to great people, and as we encounter one another, all we can do is weep for the past and offer our love.

I was also molested as a child, and there are some things that I learned about healing from it that came to heart as I read your words. Take heart, because the path of healing is one you’re already walking, and for me at least, freedom was only a few key ideas away… and with courage to jump off of an old cliff into a new view, healing is like one beautiful fruit after another.

For me, at least, the most challenging obstacle was shame. As I would sit in a group of people and watched how they interacted, I would feel isolated… like I had a dark secret that prevented me from being myself around them. Almost like my experiences were some kind of disease that I was afraid I would spread if I opened myself up to them. I would compensate by being “reactionary” or playing with the ideas they brought up, but never exposing myself. For fear for them, and for fear of me. Could they really accept someone as broken and abused as I?

This knot of view/action comprised what one of my teachers called my “shame core” and was difficult to untangle. It sapped my confidence and destroyed my inner peace. Almost as if I was forcing myself to live with armor that was always on. The first untangling happened when I realized that what had happened to me was not sex.

My teacher helped me see what sex was. Its a moment of love and connection between two people. That it was a sacred act of beauty, and full of togetherness and wonder, exploration and pleasure. Even though I had been penetrated, it was not sex… it was something else.

The shame was being fueled by my body’s reaction to abuse. Even though my mind knew something was wrong, my body enjoyed it. There was pain involved, but there was also a lot of pleasure. I would even seek my abuser for more! As I grew up and realized what had happened, I had a difficult time forgiving myself for acting in such a way. For me, this was the center of the knot. How could I accept that I initiated acts of penetration and still call it abuse?

My teacher very gently explained that it was very common in victims of sexual abuse. Even though it was painful and demeaning to the spirit, it was a connection. It was something I knew I could do right. This tied it into my self esteem, and self identity.

As I opened up to others, and shared my story with close friends (after carrying it around like a weight for a long time) I was surprised at the responses. They would throw their arms around me and cry. They would show amazing sympathy, and I began to realize that the past did not define who I was, and I was not alone.

I wasn’t a little kid anymore, unable to escape or find my way home. I was an adult, with the ability to say no, to ignore critics, to walk away from the past and move on. I have the memory of what feels wrong (even when at the physical level it feels pleasurable) and through it have a knowledge and intuition of what feels right.

I don’t know how much of my struggle relates to yours, but I can say with absolute certainty that you are neither alone or unlovable. On the contrary, you are very, easily, lovable. And there are many people who have been through similar experiences, and who know the feeling of isolation.

The second knot was boundaries. As you noted, people might “walk all over us”. It up to us to understand and set boundaries. In the past, we may have had no escape, and perhaps it was less dangerous for us to let go and have no boundaries. That was fine for then, but not now! Now we are older, capable and safe. It is actually quite helpful for others when we set them, because it gives people a way to relax and trust. Said differently, when we are clear about what we do like and do not like, other people don’t have to waste energy trying to guess.

The path of healing these knots (as opposed to just seeing them) is all about the courage to be honest. Brene Brown has a great TED talk about the power of vulnerability which I highly recommend. Another I reccomend is a movie called “Lars and the Real Girl”.

Essentially, when we are in a situation or conversation, we surrender into our spontaneous creativity. Said differently, we open up by talking about what comes into our heart and mind, and learn very directly that others not only accept us, and love us, but that what we have to say is part of the divine love that we are seeking. Fear arises when we feel disconnected, but the solution is to say “yes, that’s fear” and jump anyway. Consider that courage can only arise in the presence of fear. After we jump in a few times, we become almost fearless, because even if the exchange goes poorly, we feel content that we tried our best… and it feels waaay better to try and fail than to sit and wallow in the feeling of isolation. Especially when our creativity is nurturing to others, because we’ve seen the ick in this world and can surrender into unconditional love for self and others… knowing that healing and peace is available for all.

Have hope, Crissy. Now that the external circumstances are more settled, the internal circumstances will also settle. Keep jumping, keep asking, and know you are loved. As we open up and speak from the heart, the dissatisfaction or “tastelessness” erodes and we are left with a view that shines like the sun. And, if I missed with these words, disregard any of them. 🙂 Or, feel free to ask other questions, both myself and this community are full of innovations and ideas that help with even the most oddly challenging puzzles. Buddha said that community is critical to development, because it is often easier to see others’ difficulties than our own. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Crissy,

I’m deeply moved by your response, and your gratitude was clear ringing as a bell. You’re welcome, and I am glad we connected! A few things came to heart as I read your words.

In terms of holistic health, it really depends on what speaks to you. Its said that selenite crystals resonate with an angelic healing energy, and when I used to feel isolated and down, I would hold one in each hand and did feel the emotion settle. Over time, as I began to meditate more frequently, they became unnecessary as Buddhist styles of meditation are very profoundly helpful in settling emotions. Depending on how thick the icky is, it might help you get started (like crutches for a sprained ankle.)

Another thing that might really help is if you become a reiki healer. With traumas like ours, there are sometimes lots of root, sacral and crown chakra issues that being able to self soothe with direct energy healing is beneficial. Or, you can lightly trace spirals with your finger tips (almost not touching the skin) around your legs, pelvis, navel and head. This can help areas we’ve put to sleep to protect ourselves. If you have a partner, and you have a stable intimacy, they could also do that for you. Reiki would personally be my first choice however, and the method would be taught during the class.

As for the self sabotaging, that means different things to different people. There are some great books out there on positive self talk. If you’re referring to the all or nothing perfection or worthless behavior, that’s a vacillation that will dismantle as the patterns of shame dismantle. Said differently, when we have a block in our crown, instead of feeling confident humility no matter what result we see, we vibrate between shame (when we feel we failed/dislike the results) and pride (when we feel we succeeded/like the results). The pride/shame knot inhibits the nourishment we get from our creation. I don’t want to dive too deep into all of that, its already a lot to take in! 🙂

Remember to be patient. You’re worth taking the time to heal, and step by step the clouds will part. The sun shines, the rain falls, the grass grows, the flowers bloom. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt