Dear Elizabeth,

My whole post here acknowledges what you have said here. I have sought professional help. It’s a long road but please help me get there. I need a lot of help. I admit that.

It’s great you sought professional help, and that you are aware of those patterns in your relationships. The first thing on your path to healing would be to try not to beat yourself up for making those decisions. Those were half-conscious decisions, influenced by your subconscious drives, hopes and dreams,  in other words by your inner child’s longing… by her longing for love and appreciation. That longing was valid, only directed at the wrong person… But now you know why you were attracted to the wrong type of person…. so try to forgive yourself.

Tara Brach has a term “radical acceptance”. Accept absolutely everything that happened, how things turned out, that you made some mistakes, that you didn’t know better at the time…. and that it still hurts and it’s hard to let go…. Accept yourself with all that baggage…

When you can do that, you will have found a place of compassion in yourself. From that place of compassion you can start relating to your inner child. You can be a loving and supportive parent to that little girl, give her love and validation she is longing for, and tell her those encouraging words that she needs to hear.

But for starters, have compassion for yourself and accept yourself fully, with all your perceived flaws, because that’s the beginning of healing…