Dear Sam,

you are very welcome.

I do need to realize that I have to fight the urge to help them whenever they release disagreements they share with others to me.  Afterall, It’s never all bad whenever I’m with them. … Besides, it’s not the worst thing a person could deal with.

You do need to stop trying to help them, but at the same time, it doesn’t mean you need to stay in the situation and tolerate their complaining and raging about the supposed wrong-doings done to them by other people. It sounds as if you are reducing the problem, trying to convince yourself that it’s not all that bad… while at the same time it is draining you (I’m emotionally tired) and triggering your own anger and rage (I’ve been finding myself having so much rage), to the point where you are afraid you might react violently, if I understood correctly? (I was trying to look to an outlet that wouldn’t result in any reckless reaction.)

I believe the first thing to do is to remove yourself from the situation, i.e. move out in case you’re currently living with your family. Or if they complain to you on the phone, you’d need to set some boundaries and refuse to listen and “soak in” their anger and rage. So ensure that you reduce the amount and intensity of triggers coming your way.

And the second thing might be to process and regulate some of your own anger and rage. Your anger is most probably very justified, not only because your family members are stubborn and refuse your help, but also because you might have learnt it as a go-to reaction from the people you looked up to, whom you call your mentors: dad, siblings, grandparent.

If all those people are male and this is how they’ve been dealing with their problems – via anger and rage – no wonder you’ve learned to react similarly. So it’s possible that you’d need to learn some anger management and some mindfulness techniques, so you don’t overreact so easily and potentially violently, if a trigger is presented.

How does this sound to you? Am I correct in assuming that anger and rage was/is a family pattern?

• This reply was modified 3 years ago by Tee.