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  • #388711
    Sam
    Participant

    Lately, I’ve been finding myself having so much rage for the people I’m supposed to love. You know the quote “People want the truth, but can’t handle the truth?”

    Well, I’m living that currently.

    For years, I’ve been watching people that are supposed to be my mentors (dad, siblings, grandparent) do and say some of the most crazy things that ends up (or ended up) hurting them, seemingly not learning from their mistakes. As an adult now, I find myself not holding back sometimes and I blow off the handle, bringing up some of those things whenever it gets to the point where I can’t stand to hear/see them continue to harm themselves.

    Yet, whenever I bring these things up, I get yelled at as if I’m the person doing them wrong or I’m told I’m overreacting…meanwhile, days ago (sometimes the day before) when they were raging to me about whatever their other person did to them, I was nothing but encouraging (in a honest and transparent way).

    I’m emotionally tired and really needing a place to vent, but if anyone has any advice about how I should handle them, that would be great.

    #388713
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sam:

    It reads like you are trying hard to HELP your hurt dad, siblings and grandparents, but they insist on continuing to get hurt (by people they complain about), refusing to take in your sensible advice about no longer allowing those other people to hurt them. Did I understand correctly?

    anita

    #388834
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Sam,

    I’m emotionally tired and really needing a place to vent, but if anyone has any advice about how I should handle them, that would be great.

    I don’t know if you’re reading this, since you haven’t responded to anita, but I understand your frustration. You’re trying to help your family members, but they refuse help, they refuse your advice, even though just days earlier they were complaining to you, even raging, about somebody mistreating them.

    I know the feeling: my mother complains a lot about having so many chores, and she is already elderly and gets tired easily. But when I suggest she could hire someone to help her occasionally (she can afford it financially), she refuses. She rather complains, portraying herself as the victim. This is just a small example, but she has been doing that forever, always finding reasons to be unhappy, and yet never doing anything to help herself.

    I’ve learned to let go of trying to make her happy and help her, because it’s in vain. She’d rather be miserable.

    With you, I believe you too would need to learn to let go of trying to help, because it seems like your family members prefer to remain in their anger and rage, portraying themselves as victims, rather than do something to help themselves. You’d need to let go of the urge to help them, even though it’s a normal urge – to help the people we love and care about. But sometimes it’s just impossible, and the only thing we can do is to disengage – for our own good.

     

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 1 day ago by TeaK.
    #388935
    Sam
    Participant

    Thank you both Anita and TeaK. I’ve just emerged from one of the most toughest weeks I’ve had in a while, so I’m trying to get my bearings together, even as I write this.

    I did mean exactly that Anita and TeaK actually rounded it out for me. I do need to realize that I have to fight the urge to help them whenever they release disagreements they share with others to me. Afterall, It’s never all bad whenever I’m with them (but who knows, maybe that’s just a learned natural reaction to how many times I’ve realized responding in the other way hasn’t helped).

    Besides, it’s not the worst thing a person could deal with. I feel at the time, I was just so bottled up, I was trying to look to an outlet that wouldn’t result in any reckless reaction. Thanks again!

    #388938
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sam:

    I experienced something similar to what you described perhaps, and maybe sharing it with you will be helpful to you (and to me): as a child- and an adult- I watched and heard my mother endlessly complain about other people (who had much more money than she did,  and easier, fortunate lives) taking advantage of her (a single mother of two who had little money and worked physically very hard for it, having a very difficult, unfortunate life). But when in their presence she was syrupy sweet to them, offering them foods, gifts and free help (like cleaning their home).

    Later, when in my presence, and away from their presence- she complained about them accepting her offerings and help. I told her: then STOP giving them things, tell them that you work too hard for your money! She answered: I can’t tell them that, they will think badly of me, I’d rather die! So I said: then I will tell them (that my poor mother is.. poor, that she works hard cleaning other people’s homes, that her body hurts, that her hands are raw and red from scrubbing, etc., all which she repeatedly told me about, and showed me, out of others’ presence). Her reaction: “If you do that, I will murder you! “.

    She ordered me to be nice and quiet when around those people. And so, I spent endless times watching her feeding them and giving to them, in her sweet-syrupy way. My bottled-in resentment against those people was intense. My frustration with my mother’s behavior was immense.

    Looking back at this decades-long situation, I understand that my advice to her was excellent. She didn’t take my advice and even threatened to murder (the word she indeed used, translated from another language) me for it, not because she preferred to be misused and miserable, but because taking my advice was too difficult for her, causing her even MORE distress than allowing her situation to continue. She was.. too afraid to assert herself (or for me to do the assertion for her) because she was afraid of those people, of what they would think of her..  if she was truthful and assertive with them.

    Also, looking back, I tried very hard to not care about my mother, and the Injustice of the situation, but I didn’t succeed: there was no way for me to disengage from the situation, to not be angry, to not suffer.

    I do need to realize that I have to fight the urge to help them whenever they release disagreements they share with others to me“- notice you used the verb “to fight” the urge to help them: here’s the urge, here’s the fight against it.. this internal fighting is all so exhausting. No wonder you are “having so much rage.  emotionally tired“, original post)

    It’s never all bad whenever I’m with them“- Every Friday evening, my mother was in an okay mood, watching a weekly television movie:  that was my break, to watch her enjoying herself, engaged in the movie. I don’t think that it is ever “all bad”, all the time for anyone when it comes to our parents and our experience with our parents: everyone takes a break from misery once in a while.

    Besides, it’s not the worst thing a person could deal with“- an ongoing Resentment (the title of your thread) can easily be “the worst thing” because too much stress lessens attention. I remember one time, being so upset, so stressed..  that I .. kind of found myself in a situation: a truck flew by right in front of me, a few seconds away from me. It was only then, being a few seconds from the fast moving truck, that I realized that I was crossing a street. I had no memory of walking into a street. Being run over by a truck would have been.. the worst thing, on that day.

    anita

    #388956
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Sam,

    you are very welcome.

    I do need to realize that I have to fight the urge to help them whenever they release disagreements they share with others to me.  Afterall, It’s never all bad whenever I’m with them. … Besides, it’s not the worst thing a person could deal with.

    You do need to stop trying to help them, but at the same time, it doesn’t mean you need to stay in the situation and tolerate their complaining and raging about the supposed wrong-doings done to them by other people. It sounds as if you are reducing the problem, trying to convince yourself that it’s not all that bad… while at the same time it is draining you (I’m emotionally tired) and triggering your own anger and rage (I’ve been finding myself having so much rage), to the point where you are afraid you might react violently, if I understood correctly? (I was trying to look to an outlet that wouldn’t result in any reckless reaction.)

    I believe the first thing to do is to remove yourself from the situation, i.e. move out in case you’re currently living with your family. Or if they complain to you on the phone, you’d need to set some boundaries and refuse to listen and “soak in” their anger and rage. So ensure that you reduce the amount and intensity of triggers coming your way.

    And the second thing might be to process and regulate some of your own anger and rage. Your anger is most probably very justified, not only because your family members are stubborn and refuse your help, but also because you might have learnt it as a go-to reaction from the people you looked up to, whom you call your mentors: dad, siblings, grandparent.

    If all those people are male and this is how they’ve been dealing with their problems – via anger and rage – no wonder you’ve learned to react similarly. So it’s possible that you’d need to learn some anger management and some mindfulness techniques, so you don’t overreact so easily and potentially violently, if a trigger is presented.

    How does this sound to you? Am I correct in assuming that anger and rage was/is a family pattern?

     

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 4 days ago by TeaK.
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