Dear Isabel:

“Do you have any suggestions for how I can train my inner critic?”- I used to think that it is possible to retrain my harsh inner critic, but overtime I realized that it was as useless as if I tried…  yet again to train or change my real-life harsh outer critic (my mother). So, I figured it would make sense to form a new inner critic, one that is gentle, reasonable, understanding and kind, and give the new inner critic time and support to grow stronger and stronger until it is stronger than the old, harsh inner critic, rendering the latter mute.

“I also think my inner critic has also come from my husband as he is also very critical“- it is not possible to form a new and improved inner critic when the old, harsh inner critic has real-life supporters. If you visit with your parents and they keep criticizing you, my suggestion would be to no longer visit with them, so to not expose yourself to more of their criticism. In general, my suggestion is to keep real-life critical people out of your life.

“He is a very clean and tidy person and has high standards (which I don’t meet) he is the one who does the housework… my efforts are not good enough… he is very critical of me… my daughter has also taken after me and she is not neat and tidy, and he is critical of her. I still feel stuck, and anxiety is bad“-

– you wrote four days ago about your husband: “Truth and honesty is what he is about“. It is time to give your husband that which he is all about, truth and honesty. Truth is that he is keeping the house tidy, but he is messing up his daughter‘s mental and emotional health, causing her anxiety, the feeling that she is not good-enough, etc., which is hurting her mind, heart and life. By keeping his daughter’s mother stuck and very anxious, he is hurting his daughter further.

If he does not completely stop any and all of his criticism in regard to the house being tidy and clean, etc., then separate from him and protect your daughter and yourself from further criticism.

Does the above sound unreasonable to you: to separate from a husband because he criticizes his wife and daughter? S0me people, I imagine, would say it’s unreasonable, but if his criticism is messing up his daughter’s mental health, and yours, and he is unwilling and/ or unable to stop his criticism, then I say: it is very reasonable to separate from him.

Think of it this way, if you will: if he hit you and/ or your daughter, being physically abusive, it would be like him breaking a rock with a hammer, quick and swift. Being verbally critical/ abusive, day after day, month after month, year after year is like water breaking a rock. It is called ice wedging: water seeps into the cracks of a rock. When the water freezes, it widens the cracks until the rock breaks apart into smaller pieces. It is gradual and it takes more time than when using a hammer, but the result is just the same: a rock broken into small pieces.

Is there any way, do you think, that your husband will stop his criticisms in regard to his unreasonable standards and expectations about tidiness, cleanliness spending money, and whatever else?

anita

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