Hi Anita,

Here are the answers to all my questions. I apologize for making this message too long.

Q #1- “I read your whole post and I am having trouble understanding. I am guessing that although you live in the U.S., you lived elsewhere for years before you moved to the U.S., and your English needs improving. Am I correct in my understanding?”

A #1- Yes, I need lots of help with my English, including my grammar and tense speaking, because I used to speak Spanish (formerly from the Dominican Republic. I lived there until I was 6-7 years old and then I moved to the USA). By the time I learned English almost all of my Spanish went away, and since my parents speak more Spanish than me, I have to do almost everything I need to do for my high school myself.

Q #2- “You mentioned that you have autism. Can you tell me at what age you were diagnosed and what, if any treatment, you’ve been receiving?”

A #2- I don’t remember but I had been diagnosed when I moved to the USA or something. There is no treatment to the autism. But I did have problems with controlling myself and when to sleep and stay awake at night, so a therapist came to meet us every few to several months or so. pharmacy pill medicine was used because of my sleep problems and my calming down. But I also know that it’s up to me to calm down.

Q #3- “One more thing: you asked for help. Can you tell me as clearly and as specifically as you can, what kind of help are you requesting?”

I need lots of help!!! But I will cut it down to five different bits. Please respond each bit in a longer message.

1. I know this seems perfectly clichéd on the first one, but the truth is: I want MY life to be perfect, just like my parents. I want to be strong both on the outside and the inside. But what I meant by nightmares is that I live in this world where “perfection doesn’t exist”. I’m sick of hearing the same thing. I feel too sad and too angry that nothing good happens to me. I’m sick of being weak as a girl who’s developing her fantasy future and trying to make it come true. My fantasy future is to make good stories: fantasy, comedy, and horror stories as a writer and also do other jobs that are what I enjoy. I like to be a youtuber or comic artist one day, and if it isn’t any of those things, then I would go out and enjoy nature and help at a café. How can I do all this, when I’m 17 years old, have a house that I can never go outside unless with parent supervision, and change my life from weak to strong, and do all that I want? How can I be more creative in my life when I’m almost always stuck indoors??? What do you draw and write creatively?
2. I want to be strong and make my parents and everyone in the world happy, but when I say something to my parents to try to forgive me with irreversible damage (like when I say “I’ll never do it again, I promise” they say “O.K., but unfortunately you are wrong. You will do it all over again”). The problem is they judge me and spoil a terrible secret over and over: they prove me guilty based on another future that will lead me into something I don’t want, and losing my passion. I’m so scared, I’m having a feeling that people I know are scary and are fortune tellers of the logic and the future. I know it’s not true, but parents and friends I know that are always stronger (strong-willed and are more of an expert) than me are always right. And the kindhearted and nice ones I know and love, are not with me anymore and are always busy. I want to be kind and very strong parent. I want to be very strong and powerful and kind today and in the future I want. I’m always subtle and super abstract in writing, and I don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling in one word. I want to be clear and narrow, not broad and scattered. How can I ever always be correct when I’m too busy with other stuff and am not enough?? How can I always be that person?? Any recommended books for the weak to turn into strong and powerful?
3. I always cry and do the same bad habits/behaviors constantly and repeatedly. I thought I would be better, because that’s always what people brainwashed me to say. “Work hard, do something, be better, be an improvement, SOMETHING!” But these days, I’m sad, depressed, lazy, dull, lost a lot of confidence, and always am lost in the same behaviors instead of being downcycled into something much worse and useless. I just want a permanent change that can definitely help start changing my life, but no matter how hard I try, It’s not going the way I want it to be, because of my baby behaviors. Even though I’m maturing and doing some of the right things, I’m still in special education. I need to learn more about patience, that rewards need time and will never exist once in punishment. What can I do so that I can finally change my behavior and let go of bad things and move forward faster? For me I can never accept on moving forward, I took the risky path: doing something over and over again and staying there until you learn and accept, but the side effect will just be dangerous and painful just like “The Tempest” by William Shakespeare or the Genesis/ Adam and Eve part of the Bible. What can I do???
4. Everything felt better with my babysitter, but I’m still sad at dull at her, because of my previous behaviors I did last week. On Monday, I finally went to the frozen yogurt shop, but I still have to behave and improve, and make my days better. But remember I upset my caregiver 4 times now. How can I show that I permanently changed? I tried to avoid crying, and control my instinctive behaviors as much as I can, but it’s no use. The change has to be instant and fast, because I’m lazy, not confident enough and am weak, and try hard on everything I can and I still fail in somethings. I want to be perfect (not necessarily perfectionist)! But what can I do if those days aren’t good enough and I’m weak??? How can I control my emotions and turn rational??? Any recommended books?
5. I just want to improve my storytelling and finally get my hands on a librarian to help me with my stories. But I don’t write enough fiction stories, or read enough fiction stories. And remember I’m burnout from writing stories and want to create short stories ever since I was little because I want to make my own shows, or small episode stories. But then I don’t have enough time to read because of school. I know I’m still learning but every time I read a book, I don’t read all the pages. Unless it’s a comic, I can’t read a chapter book/novel in one day. And I also prefer standalone books, not series and they have not recommended me a standalone book for me!!! I thought a book called “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne would help me, but I always leave behind an absence of what I want, and everything I try from the secret/law of attraction was for nothing. I want something else, some other powerful technique to permanently be happy and stay in the now instead of tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow!!!! What can I do?

I hope this helps, and please please please respond in a long message and answer my 5 questions.

From, Ivygrl.