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Ivy

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  • #407245
    Ivy
    Participant

    Hi again, it’s Ivygrl.


    @anita
    and @Helcat, I need your advice, everyone else can (newbies welcome as well!) tag along too.

    Sorry about the previous message. I was upset last time, because of a Fiction Writing story forum website did a permanent ban with my account. I wanted to learn how to write in a journal and learn how to write stories, but I spam and harass at that site because no one takes me seriously. It’s freaking me out last time, and no one listens to what I want to say, and even if they do listen, they think I’m not good enough or worthy. They think of me as unnecessary and average. No one can even stand up for what I have to say.

    An average day for me now is that, I either stay at home and not go outside, unless there’s an event or a chance to let me go to the library with my new caregiver. And that still doesn’t give me a chance to have more fun, and enjoy life, because I have to use a tablet and no phone. And my family does like me, and they always think life is worse when I’m disappointed. It’s like they know that when there’s a monster pooping on you, it means “bad luck”. It makes no sense!! when there’s one person at school crying, it’s like they know a secret about crying that can help you fit in and not spread negativity! What could that secret be? Are they wizards who knows better than me? That’s how I feel. I am just an average person at school with autism. An so far I have no doctor who can help me figure out my conditions!!!

    For an average day of my school days, I have to go to school in a school bus at 6:30 AM and go back home by school bus before 3:00 PM. School classmates are usually better than me, and a student I maybe like always has to follow my every lead like she’s the BABY and I’m the MOM. I’m not a baby I am better than her, but I can’t tell her this. If my teachers hear me say anything negative to students, I’m a loser and I’m in big trouble because I know I’m not supposed to bully others, but I’m sick of letting my ‘friend’ follow me every time. What do you think I should do? I live in a “Special Education” school program, which has a room that I always go in. I’m jealous of the other students at school because most of them are A students, and they can go to college, can go outside more to get drinks at Starbucks, or go to get a delicious Mexican empanada (because there are restaurants and food stores nearby my school), and they win at school contests or school assignment challenges. I want to win school contests and challenges like these people. And I am smart, but I lose in these contests or challenges. How do I win???

    by the way, the “opinion based, specific” formats I want so desperately, are that I need YOUR opinion, and it has to be detailed because no one give my answer the proper angle in want it to be. They also have to give me advice based on those questions! The advice has to be in a long message format, not short and boring.

    When I interact with people, I am fine, I don’t cry or be rough. I don’t want to cause conflict with others at school, because once you are in trouble at school, it’s too late. I’m either passive or passive-aggressive. And I don’t have time to be too assertive to others when I’m upset.

    Also, do you have any journaling advice and ideas on how to be comfortable with a journal and making comics? I like Youtubers, but no one in Twitter or Youtube ever likes me. And when I ask for twitter info, they refuse to listen. I really need help with this, what can I do so that I can be a better writer and comic artist? Besides the story I wrote one time???

    I don’t know how to stop being hard on myself, and I don’t know how to start acceptance. It’s getting out of my control. What can I do?

    Please help me, and remember I want specific and detailed answers,  and answer my questions!

    Thank you, From, Ivygrl.

    #406996
    Ivy
    Participant

    Hi there, It’s Ivygrl,

    Before I start, I need your advice to be in a longer, opinion based, and specific written format because I prefer those messages better.

    I’m happy with the first weeks of school, but I am worried, because I really want to visit places alone, and get a phone. But due to my consequences it won’t happen. I quit making my dreams come true. No one in Twitter ever likes me, and it’s time to tell you this but I don’t know anything about what I really want. My mom says I’m not good enough at reading books because the internet is ruining my life. She said if I don’t read, and keep reviewing the internet, I failed to be a better person. And you’re right, @Helcat, maybe it is my fault, and taking my title of “my fault” is something I cannot fix, because my mind is like a trial/jury and I’m always scared and anxious and jealous and upset. I work hard and don’t make many friends, because I can’t fit in or become social enough. I’m scared because if I do the wrong thing, like cry, scream, steal, be rough, scream at friends, or just get out of school, I’m in huge trouble. I have to get a phone now just like everyone else or it will be too late, but since I can’t do that, I quit.

    I have to tackle tough issues like “Allegory of the Cave” from Plato, or that article about doctors (or creative people) trying to sew patients (or items) but can’t, because they use smartphones or internet too much, and lost all confidence in sewing the patient. You get all this, right??????

    I don’t like horror stories anymore, because they are too scary. But now, I do like different genres: comedy, slice of life fiction, adventure, and fantasy. I also like classic books. I want to make my stories and turn them into short stories but I don’t know what to do now, because I’m not a good reader at YA books. I’m just better a shorter novels, or short stories, or…just novels or graphic novelist comic/webtoon comic art.

    1. WHAT CAN I DO SO THAT I CAN JOURNAL???? I’m scared of the blank pages and I cannot write anything down! And my journal is JUSTR A PAPER JOURNAL!!!! Please please please answer my question! I’m panicking here and that’s what my life is like: people avoiding my life!! Ands please make it specific!!

    2. What can i do to get what I want? I always get nothing rather than something. Because I am invisible in real life.

    Please Help!!!

    From, Ivygrl

     

    #406418
    Ivy
    Participant

    Hi @Helcat,

    “Can I ask why you stole $60 at school? What did you think would happen?” – Helcat

    Because I DO NOT have enough money to go to a bookstore. Or buy ANYTHING I want. I thought if i stole money i would be happy, but i was more guilty than happy, for a few times. I thought no one would ever notice. But my mom did and that’s how i got in trouble and became very guilty and sad at the end.

    “Something for you to think over… What do you think happens as an adult in the outside world if you steal money?” – Helcat

    I know (and knew) that stealing money is bad and is a crime (at least i THINK it’s a crime). I feel terrible.

    PLEASE HELP ME!

    And do is top everything you mentioned, which is THIS: ”

    I think people constantly remind you of things because you don’t seem to understand consequences. They actually went really easy on you because of your conditions.

    Perhaps they don’t think you’re the worst person ever? Perhaps they are just afraid that you will do something that you don’t really understand the consequences of. You are quickly becoming an adult and adults are not given the same benefit of doubt that children are. In society, adults can be harshly punished for behaviours that are accepted as children. I can understand why they are afraid for you. They want you to have a safe and happy life.”

    Thank you helcat,

    From Ivygrl.

     

     

    #406344
    Ivy
    Participant

    Hi guys, It’s Ivygrl again.

    Sorry I left the site for a while. I read the other three messages left when I returned to the site. You see I’m still stuck on my life, because on May – June 2022 I stole $60 worth of money from a school donation clasp opening money/cash bank absent mindedly, when my teachers weren’t here. When my mom found out about this, I was guilty and in trouble the next few days at school, and at one point after I got trouble I went to another school for a one day suspension, and then i returned back to my school and decided to let go on this topic and do better things (like ask permission before doing something) instead of letting myself borrow stuff without permission. They never want me to use the computer EVER again (at school), because I used the computer for stuff that’s not school related.

    I QUIT. I WILL NEVER FIT IN AT MY LAST YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL, AND PEOPLE WANT TO RESTIRCT AND LIMIT EVERYTHING I DO AT SCHOOL !!!! I’M A STUPID, PURPOSEFUL, AND AN INTENTIONAL ABSENT MINDED PERSON.  I WANT TO FORGET ALL MY STUPID GUILTY STUFF AND ACTIONS, I WANT TO BE PERFECT!!!! EVERYONE’S BETTER AT SCHOOL THAN I AM, AND WHAT THEY WANT TO DO IS REMEMBER I AM THE WORST PERSON EVER!!! AND HIGH SCHOOL IS LIKE GETTING A JOB AS AN ADULT; PEOPLE HAVE TO DO THE WORK NOW AND JOBS ARE ALWAYS STRICT!!!!!!!!!!!

    I learned that I have ADHD, and Autism!!!! I feel a bit sad about these times, but the good news is some teachers may help me with this problem, but I don’t know how to yet.

    Also I have two questions to ask you, when you don’t mind answering?

    1. I want to keep a journal notebook for experimenting and super rough drafts, but i don’t know how to write stories like this when I have autism and adhd. What can i do?
    2. How can i make a good story even if it’s rough? (I want to make comedy/humour, fantasy, and or adventure stories)?

    Thanks, Please send back a message.

    From, Ivygrl.

    #401530
    Ivy
    Participant

    Hey guys, Ivygirl here.

    I’m doing good, but this time I don’t have a problem with my autism. This time it’s about my self control, and feelings. Sometimes I get sad, angry, and even stressed out. I often worry about my burnout, because it’s been forcing myself to do writing and when i get upset it’s sometimes about forcing myself to have fun or writing for myself and trying to force myself to do my best at school. I fear of trying to do the wrong thing and I want everything to be perfect and fine. I want to go to college and do things on my own, but i feel like i’m not ready and i’m not smart enough, because i haven’t been studying enough and end up cramming my brain with homework, classwork, and what people want and expect me to do. I know my friends and family want me to be happy, and they are with me. But I want to do things on my own and be responsible. Somehow i’m not on the right track, because I feel uspet with my slight identity crisis. I’m on the right path but I want to feel happier and not force myself. I want to write stories and become an author one day to write and travel to South Korea (when i have enough money, but now i don’t have enough). People want me to think of the negative things: the things that i can’t do, and to never do them again. But why would they keep repeating what i cannot do to me? Does that count as attracting bad stuff?

    Also @Helcat , what is your twitter so that i can contact you or something like that?

    Also, Don’t be afraid to send back a response. From, Ivygrl.

    #396121
    Ivy
    Participant

    hi anita,

    it’s Ivygrl again. Ok I’ll try to ask you two questions in the best way I would do it. And here it is:

    How can I make a my consciousness the way I want it to be: positive and enjoyable? I mean, I am feeling a bit better about myself now but I don’t want to fall into the same trap of leading my subconscious to where I was before.

    How does the brain work for autism? (compare and contrast between autistic people and regular people.)

    from, Ivygrl.

    #396092
    Ivy
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    Ivygrl again, and I don’t know what it really means to feel better consciously, and to feel better subconsciously. I’m a little bit stuck in recognizing the difference, and I tried to search up the internet about this, but I got nothing. So I at least tried to figure it out myself.

    The only thing I can say though, is that the difference between conscious and subconscious, is this:

    • The subconscious mind give you different beliefs and thoughts on what to send and not send to the conscious mind, makes decisions, and controls your life exactly the want you are thinking, and it controls a majority of your life (whether it’s positive and negative). I think so negatively sometimes, that I can’t improve anything at those times, and give up very easily (but only if my parents tell me I’m weak and I’m a kid). if i were to feel better subconsciously, then I would think better decisions and think better and happier for myself, instead of being considered terrible.
    • The conscious mind has your thoughts, memories, feelings and wishes at every time we were aware at the moment. And gets you to think and process your thoughts rationally. Even if you are upset emotionally, there are ways to calm down you rational and emotional parts of your brain and life: taking a deep breath and relaxing strategies. If I were to feel better consciously, then you would be aware of feeling better rationally in your point of view.

    I’m doing ok at school and at home. I just want to know the answer so that i can become more aware and more helpful in thinking positive with my brain. I hope this answers your question, anita. And I hope you answer my previous message. From, Ivygrl.

     

     

    #395983
    Ivy
    Participant

    Hi,

    It’s Ivygrl again, I apologize for coming back late.

    I’m not sure Helcat, if I actually identify with those characters, but some of them are based on some comics and books I read. I’ll try to check and see if I can make any changes with the story I wrote. I’m doing much better.

    Do you guys have any recommended drawing sites, youtube links, and story/graphic novel making sites. on how to make comics and written books?

    I want to learn about something else next to autism and improving myself: to learn ow to improve myself and my subconscious brain, because I tend to get upset and give up on stuff, but that only happens when I want something really bad.

    I want to learn how the brain works, subconsciously and how can I make my brain work and feel better subconsciously, not just consciously. (If you ever read “The Power of your Subconscious Mind” by Joseph Murphy, or know about this stuff, then please help me for a bit.) I never read this book but I read advice onto this book. I don’t know how to make it work to my mind properly. Also I don’t want to force myself too hard in the unconscious realm to help me because I heard that forcing yourself too hard mentally won’t help get your goal (http://www.getstoryshots.com/books/the-power-of-your-subconscious-mind-summary/), and that’s why I need help with understanding the subconscious mind and the brain

    I also read “The Secret To Teen Power” by Paul Harrington, because “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne is too hard, but something felt wrong about all the steps I took, and I felt like I didn’t “Ask, Believe, or Received” the right way. What am I’m doing wrong with the process? I tried to win a Medibang art contest with the secret, but I din’t win though. I just got more likes. What can I do to improve this subconscious potential in the future?

    Thank you Anita, and @HoneyBlossom, @Helcat. Hope you send me a message.

    from, Ivygrl.

     

    #394941
    Ivy
    Participant

    Wow that’s a nice compliment , @HoneyBlossom, thank you very much. I wonder what would the other people in the forum think.
    What was the thought out input you have?

    from, Ivygrl.

    #394935
    Ivy
    Participant

    Hi,

    it’s Ivygrl again, sorry I was gone for a week. @Helcat, @HoneyBlossom, and @anita, and any other people I made a comic and thought about adding revisions to it. Does anyone want to help me with my story. I’ll appreciate it if you come and inside the google document link, and write comments, advice, and your email after the feedback and comment. I’m updating my comic almost every two weeks or so.

    here’s the link for my comic story plot, synopsis, and summary pitch below:

    https://docs.google.com/document/d/1IKZCGKlBYR0dmoEfpyVRYZy78iCeomcouTGei9IWhR0/edit?usp=sharing

    I’m doing great.
    And I sure need some help with my comic. I would also appreciate it if you can give me ideas for more stories I want to make in the future, and for my story plot above.

    Thanks. From, Ivygrl.

    #394359
    Ivy
    Participant

    Hi guys, Thank you @HoneyBlossom for the recommendation , and thank you @Helcat for the advice.

    HoneyBlossom, you are right, and thanks for the compliment: I do love good cartoons and webtoons. Also I don’t usually draw full on artworks, so I still need some practice. I’m also at the library just now where I’m trying to make up a story for a comic I’m making up, and doing some studying on what I like to draw, what I want to do for comics, and my art style.

    And I’ll also read up on temple Grandin too. Fun Fact: one of my teachers actually seen (and probably knows) Temple Grandin at one point.

    Thanks for the messages,  I mean you guys are very nice, and maybe I can learn to be very nice too, and behave better. And as long as I stick to small things and finish things first, I can be much better to learn the hobbies and stuff I want to do. It doesn’t need to happen tomorrow, but you can start your training today if you have something good in mind.

    Btw, @Helcat , My favorite genres are comedy, fantasy, and creative fiction stories. I didn’t read much books lately actually, but i have a strong need to start reading a small book. The small book is called “The Willoughbys” by Lois Lowry, and maybe when I’m used to fiction, I can read some travelogue comics from Tuttle publishing (Evangeline Neo), and “Anne Frank’s diary: the graphic adaption” (graphic novel).

    I actually always wanted to travel to Japan, Spain, South Korea and Taiwan, and make a comic travelogue out of it. But for now, i’m a little busy, but I’ll do another reply later, if it’s alright with you.

    Thanks. From, Ivygrl.

    #394134
    Ivy
    Participant

    Hi again,

    It’s Ivygrl.

    Sorry i went out for a long while @anita and @Helcat,

    I can only write on Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays (unless it’s a school break or I have permission to write something). But now I’m doing ok. I want to be more grateful for my life. I’m doing my best to be more responsible now. Unfortunately, my babysitter from before will no longer be with me. But I still go to the library, though I can only go there for a few minutes to print out stuff and find books, when my mother has her permission, the time, and the chance to go there.

    -Do you have any good comic/webtoon ideas and prompts? Or what do you recommend? I’m planning to actually make and write down comics, because for some reason I’ve been distracted for too long.  So I’m trying to create time for comics, but also time to do other things, because not all comic artists can make good comics for 24 hours a day. I have school. And that’s why I’m trying to make up fiction stories and trying to get to non-fiction once I finish some stories.  I want that because i want to make a comic/graphic novel travelogue one day (to go to good South Korea places and good Taiwan places).

    – Well, to answer your question, I did notice that i’m not comfortable enough at school sometimes, and I do have to notice myself when i have constipation and when i feel a little/very sad or upset, from stuff from the Internet, as i usually am sometimes when I see someone more popular than me and i’m bored. I really want to do good things like them, but they got their talents when they are much older. I wish I could be like those comic author and animation Youtubers . I also want to read more and learn a new language. But thinking about them all at once and following up with those is not simple. I have lots of stuff to follow up with and i’m stressed out. How can i follow up with what I want and stay accountable and consistent with my wants and needs.

    -How do you read and annotate books properly without setting aside the book for too long and forgetting about them? And any books for someone like me to read?

    I hope you answer my questions, and I hope you have a nice day. After all, there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel.

    Thank you, From, Ivygrl.

    #390882
    Ivy
    Participant

    Hi there, Anita and Helcat ,

    It’s Ivygrl again. Sorry about the delay, for one week I decided not to reply for now. I’m doing ok now thank you for the advice. I’ll do my best to try to fix more of my habits. It won’t be easy, but I’ll eventually try to fix them. Though doing them all at once is a multitasking hassle. But I might ask my parents about this.
    And also, I might need help on asking for help at the right time. Because at school I didn’t ask for help, and my teacher saying that I need to advocate for myself to people more. But I’m so scared. Because I’m supposed to do everything by myself. That I’m a adult and I need to understand that rewards do not come in handy, especially in punishments.
    And I’m also sometimes too scared to tell the truth to my teachers, and back then a now I need to do all work on my own. Well so far my teachers are giving me one work at a time to deal with. You need to earn the rewards and do everything perfect by yourself. If you want to win you have to do everything perfect, successful, and not a noob. Right?

    Anita, when you said:

    – “To be strong you have to push yourself really hard to the point of burnout… I stick to push myself really really hard and be successful“- it is not true that to be strong you need to push yourself to the point of burnout. The opposite is true: to be pushed to the point of burnout makes a person weak. When you do push yourself, push yourself very gently!”, – What do you mean by that?

    what does it really mean to push yourself too hard really? I mean I’m not trying to push myself. And how can I stop pushing myself too hard? What am I doing wrong once I do my stuff and hobbies?

    – “I worry very much that since my mom… doesn’t want to hear me cry in those unnecessary situations… She just doesn’t want to hear me scream while crying in punishment situations“- I understand that your mother, like other people, do not want to hear you cry and scream, especially in public.

    Can you tell me what a punishment situation means?” – for the “punishment situation” I actually mean the situation where you are punished and that you are never supposed to cry, or get upset, even if you want to cry or get upset really bad. There’s no way to shift back the emotions though, not unless they go away naturally, but I don’t want the sad feeling to go away naturally. I want them to go away now. What can I do?

    -“I beginning to notice my family isn’t too autistic friendly, even though my family actually loves me and stuff. They don’t tell the truth at times to the therapists or counselors, that I really hate noises or lights“-

    – do you mean that people in your family (parents?) hide information from therapists and counselors, for example, that you hate noises and lights? What other kinds of information does your family hide from therapists and counselors, and why?” – I’m starting to realize that my parents do love me, but they don’t give enough information about my autism arousal. They aren’t me, but they should know some thing about me and I should chat with them. But the point is the doctors did not tell what type of autism I have.

    And Helcat: to answer your question about self care, I don’t know any self care methods that can help me, but I know that I like to write, and I’m scared to journal and write the truth.
    also what do you mean when you said:

    “I’ve said before you seem very hard on yourself. You’ve mentioned that you have perfectionist tendencies. This puts additional stress and anxiety on yourself. Relaxing your attitude and challenging these thoughts. Allowing yourself to be without punishing yourself is very important for managing anxiety. One method people use when they are struggling to be kind to themselves is “what would I say to a friend in my situation?”.

    You’ve mentioned that teachers tell you off for behaviours, you mentioned that your mother is strict. You mentioned your carer threatened you. This is what I meant when I asked before if you picked up these tendencies from others.”?- I don’t know to stop “punishing” myself. I also heard that “less is more”, but what does it really mean in life? How can I stop pushing myself to the point where I get less usable effort?
    Because I really want to succeed well with my passions and love (like drawing and writing) , and without too much effort. I really do not like the way I push and move less when I push (like when I learn at school) . And at the end of the day, we all want to get better.

    so I hope you have a nice day, and reply to my questions when you need to. Thank you Anita and a Helcat for supporting me and I hope you support me more in future replies. From, Ivygrl.

    #390373
    Ivy
    Participant

    (Note for Helcat: you can write the rest of the message you wanted Helcat. This message is for anita)

    Hi anita, it’s Ivygrl again.

    How are you today, I’m good. But I have questions to ask you, when you don’t mind answering.
    How can I have a good quality of life back? And how can I stop endangering my family members and friends? Even if I have autism? I cannot go outside once a day because of school and my home, and strict rules about when to go outside or not, and I am not a person who knows how to travel too well on streets yet.
    I worry very much that since my mom is strict with behavior and responsibilities, she doesn’t want to hear me cry in those unnecessary situations. She doesn’t want to see me upset, she wants to see me happy. She just doesn’t want to hear me scream while crying in punishment situations. And I have wish : to be permanently, optimistically happy.
    But I have 3 problems I need lots of help with:
    1. I want to write and draw stuff but I don’t know how to put my gel pens and pencils on paper? What can I do and what do you do to draw and doodle stuff on paper? I get so scared of ruining stuff, I want to make things perfect, when I know perfection doesn’t exist in art. What could I do with my gel pens and sketchbook and blank sheet of papers then?
    2. How can I ever stop being frustrated and weak as an autistic individual? I know that there are only two strengths: mental strength and physical strength. And to be strong you have to push yourself really hard to the point of burnout. And to never argue, because then you will complain, blame others, make excuses, and who knows what else?! I stick to push myself really really hard and be successful now or else you are the weak one. Also I have no idea the difference between complaining,blaming, and making excuses, I know those are forms of “surviving” then failing. Also how am I failing, and how can I succeed with patience and avoid all those problems I’ve been suffering and dealing with? I’m not patient and I really want to be too, to permanently become strong. I don’t know what goals I want, but I want to make my area when I am at home autistic-friendly and non-arousal. I can also try to at least give myself more exercise, and draw stuff when I get a chance.
    3. How can I be more assertive without hurting anyone’s feelings? I feel like anything I want to say will cause problems and concern with the people I enjoy and trust, and I want to make more friends in person, but I cannot make enough friends in person and the only friends I ever have are adults, and all adults I talk to who are friends with me are either serious and can be mean to me and enforce my limits when I’m punished , -or- they are kind, friendly and do not enforce much, when it’s their job to enforce and I like the nice adults more than the mean adults.

    Based on my understanding, in the situation I am in an autistic situation where certain lighting and loud noises -also known as “arousal levels” – besides the autism itself, can cause problems to an autistic individual followed by stressful tasks and multitasking and other stressful/“ unnecessary” and imperfect? I agree that it’s true in several ways. I mean, I did notice I hate when people snap their fingers or shout very loudly and it’s annoyingly annoying. I beginning to notice my family isn’t too autistic friendly, even though my family actually loves me and stuff. They don’t tell the truth at times to the therapists or counselors that I really hate noises or lights that I hate all the time. I hate scary dark soothing voices too, especially ones that help me calm down. Or hypnotic voices. It’s creepy and kinda scary.
    “Back to the first website I mentioned, it reads that a root cause for these challenging behaviors in individuals on the Autistic Spectrum Disorder is HIGH AROUSAL LEVELS, meaning that lights or sounds that don’t feel too bright or too loud to people with low/ average arousal levels, feel too bright and too loud and therefore, too distressing to people with high arousal levels.”
    For the second part I kind of get it, but how can I control my challenging excess stress and tension behaviors? I can’t multitask too well and if I any routine changes then I would have problems getting used to it as said in the previous message. How can I take one step at a time when I’m told to do too many things now? I stick to the saying “deal with everything now, and do not ask you teachers for help or tell the truth until you need it” because I’m scared but sometimes I fear my teachers cannot be comfortable with me. I want to be better and successful so that I can get a scholarship in one year, and I want to be enough!! What can I do now?
    “Also, bodily discomforts such as perspiring or being constipated bother people with high arousal levels a whole lot more than it bothers people with low/ average arousal levels. Same things with emotions such as anger, frustration, sadness, etc., these bother people with high arousal levels much more than they bother people with low/ average arousal levels.
    The extra anxiety, tension and distress that highly aroused person feel leads to some of these challenging behaviors, behaviors that are aimed at relieving and releasing the anxiety, tension and distress.
    In addition to the above, these challenging behaviors may be sometimes motivated by a desire for positive or negative attention, a desire to avoid something you don’t want to do, or a situation you don’t want to be in, etc.”
    Hope you send me back a message.
    From, Ivygrl.

    #390260
    Ivy
    Participant

    Hi Anita and Helcat:

    The reason why I want to “be happy permanently” is because I want to be optimistic. I am not optimistic in real life, and I don’t even have time to think about positive things, because I have schoolwork/classwork to think about almost everyday. There’s always something almost impossible to think about at school, even though I work hard and mostly get As, Bs, or Cs, I have to keep up everything. The only times I’m happy is the time I have winter break or any holiday break with finished homework, and if everything goes my way.

    Btw, I meant to say for my autism medications is that there is no cure for autism, but I have medicine treatment for my sleeping issues (sometimes I also creates problems with sleeping though). There’s no treatment for dealing with my crying and wailing.

    How can I get “stronger and stronger over time, on the inside and on the outside”? I feel like trying to be strong both inside and outside is easier said than done. Also how can I “Focus on making small progress over a long time, instead of expecting a big change all at once”? I also feel like starting small is better than doing big. But I don’t step in a take the chance because everything I worry about is that, “tomorrow would be better” or “I don’t have much time for this”. How can I stop forcing myself to think this way and think about something else?

    To answer your question, my teachers actually did help me a lot. I won’t say their names though. My teachers taught me lately about trying not to be sneaky, and listening to rules, keeping my hands to yourself, and no crying or screaming at school. But they don’t help on all things. I did not even tell them about the so called incident with my babysitter, because my teacher that I have now will be mad at me.  I also learned about the themes of trying to distract yourself from sleeping and sad memories. None of these problems are happening now, but I’m scared they will happen at an unexpected time. What can I do so that I can be optimistic and never let sad or devastating and fatal memories enter in my mind?  How can I believe in myself and other like the secret/law of attraction?? It’s hard to feel good like I wanted because of too many distractions.

    How did you manage to keep your promises?? Please tell me your secret, because I cannot keep any promises and every promises I keep is a major failure. It’s impossible for me to keep up.

    I really need lots of help with writing a good story and art with my new sketchbook. I want to be creative artist and writer. But people want me to do school more. What can I do?

    Also I don’t work hard enough. And when I try to read a book, I do not read enough of nonfiction because nonfiction is boring and hard, except for fiction. Also every technique I try is not easy and seems difficult to do when reading for fun, like annotating, taking notes, and peripheral senses. What can I do to read more and have more fun reading a book? I feel like taking notes are important especially when reading a book. I’m scared but I want to read a book now. What can I do?

    Also for Helcat’s questions:

    1. “You also seem to be quite hard on yourself at least when you’re upset. Perhaps this is something you have learned from others?”
    Yes, I’m always hard on myself. I don’t know if I learned how to be too harsh on myself. (I think I learned about how pushing yourself can be bad a bit, but I haven’t learned how to stop and end this problem permanently) I don’t think learned this from other people, just do everything you can to be better and make others happy, because I don’t have time to be happy. I have to put myself last because I have schoolwork when I have school. And I also learned that I can’t control myself. And my emotions very much, just to go outside and take a break. But what if I don’t want a break and the break won’t help me? Because to be successful, my slogan that I follow is to do it now and force yourself to be in the level where you have to be perfect and good enough. It’s just like trying to dance in the right way in the Wii console to Just Dance . Everyone’s better than I am. And I almost always fall in last place.I want to have fun, but letting loose to enjoy is just too hard, and I can’t let loose, I have to do something to be better. And to permanently become an optimistic person, right??

    2. “Does being around your carer make you anxious? Do you fear upsetting them?”
    I used to be happy with my caregiver, but lately I started to get more anxious and more insecure because she will stop me from speaking and letting me do what I want. She’s ok but I’m so anxious and insecure, I don’t want her to see me cry. And a local writing workshop from my local library finally decided not to continue the workshop until after new year’s day of next year, because she din’t want to expose to COVID problems. So she gave away notebooks. And I was going to be in that program and now I’m not happy because I have to wait a whole week, and I want someone to finally read a story I made up, and they still they forget about what I want. What can I do? When I’m so scared to tell the truth? I don’t want to be subtle, gibberish and weak anymore. I want to be strong! I need help!

    3. “Do you have a plan to help you with school? Perhaps a tutor might be beneficial?”
    I have to plan to help with my school, just a schedule and I have to to do whatever the schedule says, so I get what I get and I shouldn’t be upset. And I do all I can to stop crying. Because now I’m learning that to be successful and never cry ever again in front of school (because I did that in ninth grade), you must never get punished by school and push yourself to the point of burnout and cry like a baby. But whatever you do you must never cry. That’s the only hope of self controlling myself. But what can I do to control all crying habits. I don’t want a therapist or counselor to help me. I want to be perfect. What if I say something wrong?
    also I only have paras, so no tutors until I graduate and do whatever I want, and other than the people I trust I cannot get the help I want. People who are supple and kind to me will take forever to talk to me, but not the people who I trust further. They will just become hot headed whenever they want, and I will still just become unnecessary. What can I do?

    i just failed to be a good writer, so I want to say that I might either continue, or give it up and let go of writing until it’s almost all unlearned, and until I want to try to write a whole story again. What can I do? And how can I make my creative writing and art dreams come true. I need help with my sketchbook. I have nothing to draw and when I put my pen on the paper I still get so scared what to draw. I love comics, but I’m scared to draw the storyboard panels, so what can I do?

    Thank you, Helcat and anita, for the previous advice.

    please respond back when you are ready.

    From, Ivygrl.

     

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