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My nightmarish day. I want to have a strong heart and a strong future

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  • #390133
    Ivy
    Participant

    Hi guys, this is my first message. My name is Ivygrl. I’m around 16-17 years old. I go to high school in America and I live in a nightmare of a day these days. Let me tell you the whole story. Note that I have autism, and I am a bit Christian but I don’t read the Bible because I got a version that’s hard to understand. Please listen to my story and feel free to give me advice.
    When I was a little, I wanted to become an author, or a writer, or an comic writer and artist, or become a YouTube and make my own stories. I wanted this because I wanted to make cartoons for myself and maybe others. I also wanted to find my purpose and get a strong, happy future. But as I got older my parents and other adults I know taught me many things, like the internet is dangerous, strangers are dangerous, and reading and drawing is fun. But I love the Internet so much that there’s always something interesting that pops up on the internet.I used to be a good girl. A perfect girl who will always listen to my parents. But as I grew up overtime I never became the girl I thought I once was.

    Every day at school lately, there’s almost always a reason to do homework/classwork because I have to do it. There’s an test about to happen in next year, which is 12th grade. I’m upset because my parents know Spanish and almost know nothing about the topic I want so I try to never cry, work hard on my topic, hope for the best, and do everything I can to be better. The catch? I’m lazy, do not have time to be grateful for everything (because of school), sometimes don’t work hard, cannot manage to achieve all my daily routines at times because I’m busy at school and burned out, and never ever stop crying like a baby.
    In the past 3 times I had my caregiver, I was with my caregiver but I felt sad and did whining, crying, and wailing habits with my mouth within. I complained with what was wrong, She said that whatever I was doing I was unnecessary. I’m not surprised, people always call me an unnecessary person, People who like me NEVER are nice, and the people who are nice never write to me back because they are busy. I always promise to do better next time. But I still touch the “hot pan” and do something almost irreversibly bad to my family and friends, thinking I have to take risks on purpose to be better and show that I can be stronger and more rational.

    The fourth time I met my babysitter (which was just yesterday, this December ) , I was excited to go eat frozen yogurt. I have planned for this for two days. And that day my mom took me to a room where she need to do something for her job, so that she can have a job and take care of us and our needs. My babysitter managed to pick me up there, went to dollar tree so that she can buy something there, and we went to the library. I wanted to talk to a librarian there so that she can help me with my short story, but somehow my caregiver needed to go to the bathroom.
    after the bathroom stop at her house, I told her parents that I was ok and need water, and the caregiver went to get water. Later, the darkest part of my life ever happened to me that’s worse than I could anticipate.
    when I got to the library, I finally got to the library. She told me that I have to do a whole book report about a book I got. She told me to go get paper for the book report, since I had nothing in my book bag that helped. I was excited to go read, but I’m so scared to read one book. Then After I got paper I met the librarian to get a stapler. I then told her about an event in the library called a “zine launch google meet meeting”. I wanted to tell a small complaint that I want to be in the meeting and tell her what can I do now. But then I cried, thinking that my caregiver didn’t  hear my voice. I cried and screamed and wailed.  Telling that I didn’t go to the meeting, because I registered to the meeting, and did everything to enter, but my mother was home late, and never gave me the tablet and I told her where is my tablet. And I failed to get to the meeting because it ended at 5:00pm. I wanted to tell the librarian I want to go to the zine launch and get help now, but I guess because of my own actions the babysitter got very angry, and told me to come to her. The librarians got annoyed and told me to get out until I behaved better. My babysitter/caregiver was soooo angry, that I cried, I knew this will happen and then I tried to tell her the truth, but she cut me off many times when I tried to talk, and she told me that until I learned my lesson, I will never go outside ever again. I cried and wailed realizing I’m a failure, and got into a point where my caregiver called my mom to come home right now. I waited for my mom and I sort of remember how cold and numb my fingers were, trying to write my first thought on paper.
    my caregiver failed to listen to me so I cried. I cried and wailed like a BABY,unable to control my baby behavior. I got to a point of anger, and cutting off all ways of talking to myself. I also spilled my water bottle angrily because no one will ever like me ever again. Everything is irreversible, and there’s nothing I can do to fix it. And she’s right. There’s nothing I can do to save myself.

    my mom came back and I took a bath and washed my hands, and put on my clothes. But I still was sad that day. And I tried to cheer myself up by watching tv. I felt better mostly , but I know better. I know the bitter truth perfectly:

    There is nothing I can do to fix my damage , and if I forgive myself and promise to be better. The cycle will always happen, over and over and over and over and over again. My fate will come true. My parents will fight, my life will be in rags, and I will always listen to my parents directions, in the future, choosing a boring job I hate. There’s nothing I can do to save myself.

    I’M WEAK AND BLEAK, and I will always go back to a square one (back to where I started): the place where my nightmares and scary people will grow and I will never exist!! There’s nothing grateful about my life in my opinion even in the darkest times, because everyday, once I wake up my life is always scary, and every single person is a king and queen but me. I wish I can be strong and rational so that this nightmare will never have to happen ever again. So that my babysitter will always be happy. So that I can be happy. So that my family will find I’m strong like them. So that I can take on the WORLD. The last thing I WANT, is me having a weak ,fatal , surviving future.
    what can I do? Any tips, advice , and ideas on my creative future? I feel sad. Now can write this, but everything in my life is about me, and I can’t figure out a way to make other happy. The only way I can do this, I to make everyone happy and create a giant hole in my life where I will never be weak. I want to be perfect. But I guess it just can’t exist.

    The lesson I learned: Once you are punished, pity parties from your families and forgiveness cannot (And will never) exist. I know this seems contradictory to happiness but it’s true. Rewards and saving yourself in life cannot exist. It’s just doesn’t work that way. You are responsible for your own actions. I want to be better. I don’t want to enter an endless loophole that will leave me to my obviously sad ending. What do you guys think? And what can I do to achieve my creative and happy dreams, and reach my happy, everlasting ending?

    please, please, wherever you guys are in this forum, please help me. this is my first response like I said before, so take you time to reply.

    Best of luck, from, Ivygrl.

     

     

    #390137
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ivy:

    I will be able to read your post and reply in about 12 hours from now.

    anita

    #390163
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ivy:

    I read your whole post and I am having trouble understanding. I am guessing that although you live in the U.S., you lived elsewhere for years before you moved to the U.S., and your English needs improving. Am I correct in my understanding?

    You mentioned that you have autism. Can you tell me at what age you were diagnosed and what, if any treatment, you’ve been receiving?

    One more thing: you asked for help. Can you tell me as clearly and as specifically as you can, what kind of help are you requesting?

    I am hoping that by answering my questions as clearly as you can, I will be able to reply to you further.

    anita

    #390204
    Ivy
    Participant

     

    Hi Anita,

    Here are the answers to all my questions. I apologize for making this message too long.

    Q #1- “I read your whole post and I am having trouble understanding. I am guessing that although you live in the U.S., you lived elsewhere for years before you moved to the U.S., and your English needs improving. Am I correct in my understanding?”

    A #1- Yes, I need lots of help with my English, including my grammar and tense speaking, because I used to speak Spanish (formerly from the Dominican Republic. I lived there until I was 6-7 years old and then I moved to the USA). By the time I learned English almost all of my Spanish went away, and since my parents speak more Spanish than me, I have to do almost everything I need to do for my high school myself.

     

    Q #2- “You mentioned that you have autism. Can you tell me at what age you were diagnosed and what, if any treatment, you’ve been receiving?”

    A #2- I don’t remember but I had been diagnosed when I moved to the USA or something. There is no treatment to the autism. But I did have problems with controlling myself and when to sleep and stay awake at night, so a therapist came to meet us every few to several months or so. pharmacy pill medicine was used because of my sleep problems and my calming down. But I also know that it’s up to me to calm down.

     

    Q #3- “One more thing: you asked for help. Can you tell me as clearly and as specifically as you can, what kind of help are you requesting?”

    I need lots of help!!! But I will cut it down to five different bits. Please respond each bit in a longer message.

    1. I know this seems perfectly clichéd on the first one, but the truth is: I want MY life to be perfect, just like my parents. I want to be strong both on the outside and the inside. But what I meant by nightmares is that I live in this world where “perfection doesn’t exist”. I’m sick of hearing the same thing. I feel too sad and too angry that nothing good happens to me. I’m sick of being weak as a girl who’s developing her fantasy future and trying to make it come true. My fantasy future is to make good stories: fantasy, comedy, and horror stories as a writer and also do other jobs that are what I enjoy. I like to be a youtuber or comic artist one day, and if it isn’t any of those things, then I would go out and enjoy nature and help at a café. How can I do all this, when I’m 17 years old, have a house that I can never go outside unless with parent supervision, and change my life from weak to strong, and do all that I want? How can I be more creative in my life when I’m almost always stuck indoors??? What do you draw and write creatively?
    2. I want to be strong and make my parents and everyone in the world happy, but when I say something to my parents to try to forgive me with irreversible damage (like when I say “I’ll never do it again, I promise” they say “O.K., but unfortunately you are wrong. You will do it all over again”). The problem is they judge me and spoil a terrible secret over and over: they prove me guilty based on another future that will lead me into something I don’t want, and losing my passion. I’m so scared, I’m having a feeling that people I know are scary and are fortune tellers of the logic and the future. I know it’s not true, but parents and friends I know that are always stronger (strong-willed and are more of an expert) than me are always right. And the kindhearted and nice ones I know and love, are not with me anymore and are always busy. I want to be kind and very strong parent. I want to be very strong and powerful and kind today and in the future I want. I’m always subtle and super abstract in writing, and I don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling in one word. I want to be clear and narrow, not broad and scattered. How can I ever always be correct when I’m too busy with other stuff and am not enough?? How can I always be that person?? Any recommended books for the weak to turn into strong and powerful?
    3. I always cry and do the same bad habits/behaviors constantly and repeatedly. I thought I would be better, because that’s always what people brainwashed me to say. “Work hard, do something, be better, be an improvement, SOMETHING!” But these days, I’m sad, depressed, lazy, dull, lost a lot of confidence, and always am lost in the same behaviors instead of being downcycled into something much worse and useless. I just want a permanent change that can definitely help start changing my life, but no matter how hard I try, It’s not going the way I want it to be, because of my baby behaviors. Even though I’m maturing and doing some of the right things, I’m still in special education. I need to learn more about patience, that rewards need time and will never exist once in punishment. What can I do so that I can finally change my behavior and let go of bad things and move forward faster? For me I can never accept on moving forward, I took the risky path: doing something over and over again and staying there until you learn and accept, but the side effect will just be dangerous and painful just like “The Tempest” by William Shakespeare or the Genesis/ Adam and Eve part of the Bible. What can I do???
    4. Everything felt better with my babysitter, but I’m still sad at dull at her, because of my previous behaviors I did last week. On Monday, I finally went to the frozen yogurt shop, but I still have to behave and improve, and make my days better. But remember I upset my caregiver 4 times now. How can I show that I permanently changed? I tried to avoid crying, and control my instinctive behaviors as much as I can, but it’s no use. The change has to be instant and fast, because I’m lazy, not confident enough and am weak, and try hard on everything I can and I still fail in somethings. I want to be perfect (not necessarily perfectionist)! But what can I do if those days aren’t good enough and I’m weak??? How can I control my emotions and turn rational??? Any recommended books?
    5. I just want to improve my storytelling and finally get my hands on a librarian to help me with my stories. But I don’t write enough fiction stories, or read enough fiction stories. And remember I’m burnout from writing stories and want to create short stories ever since I was little because I want to make my own shows, or small episode stories. But then I don’t have enough time to read because of school. I know I’m still learning but every time I read a book, I don’t read all the pages. Unless it’s a comic, I can’t read a chapter book/novel in one day. And I also prefer standalone books, not series and they have not recommended me a standalone book for me!!! I thought a book called “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne would help me, but I always leave behind an absence of what I want, and everything I try from the secret/law of attraction was for nothing. I want something else, some other powerful technique to permanently be happy and stay in the now instead of tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow!!!! What can I do?

    I hope this helps, and please please please respond in a long message and answer my 5 questions.

    From, Ivygrl.

    #390209
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ivy:

    There is no treatment to the autism“- there is no cure for autism, but there are plenty of treatments. If you look at the website Eunice Kennedy Shriver National Institute of Child Health and Human Development (NIH), title: “What are the treatment for autism?”

    I want MY life to be perfect, just like my parents’“- no one’s life is perfect. It is not possible.

    I want to be strong both on the outside and the inside“- this is possible. You can get stronger and stronger over time, on the inside and on the outside.

    What I meant by nightmares is that I live in this world where ‘perfection doesn’t exist’“-in this sense, we all live in a nightmare: our world is very far from being perfect. We have to get stronger and stronger so to endure this very imperfect reality and make the world just a bit better, every day.

    My fantasy future is to make good stories: fantasy, comedy, and horror stories as a writer and also do other jobs… How can I do all this, when I’m 17 years old“- You can accomplish some of the things you want over time, a bit at a time, patiently.

    I want to be strong and make my parents and everyone in the world happy“- it is the dream of many, many children all over the world: to make one’s parents happy. It used to be my dream, but I failed to make it happen. When you have a parent who is not happy and who hasn’t been happy way before you were born, there really is nothing you can do to make them happy.

    When I say ‘I’ll never do it again, I promise’ they say “O.K., but unfortunately you are wrong. You will do it all over again“- reads like you promised things before but failed to keep your promises. I used to promise a lot of things to myself and failed to keep my promises. I remember how frustrated it made me feel!

    I’m having a feeling that people I know are scary and are fortune tellers“- it is possible for you to make promises in the future and keep your promises. It happened to me: in the past I didn’t keep my promises, but now, I do!

    Also, I am not a fortune teller (being able to predict the future), and neither are your parents. No one is.

    Parents and friends I know that are always stronger (strong-willed and are more of an expert) than me are always right“- they are not always right about everything… no one is.

    I’m always subtle and super abstract in writing… I want to be clear and narrow, not broad and scattered“- you can send me a broad and scattered paragraph that you wrote, and I will recommend an alternative clear and narrow version.

    “I always cry and do the same bad habits/behaviors constantly and repeatedly… I’m still in special education. I need to learn more about patience… What can I do so that I can finally change my behavior…What can I do??“-

    – One of the treatments you can read about on the website I mentioned above is called Behavioral Management Treatment for Autism. It partly reads: “Behavior management therapy tries to reinforce wanted behaviors and reduce unwanted behaviors. It also suggests what caregivers can do before, during, after, and between episodes of problem behaviors”- you, your parents and caretaker can benefit from reading more about this treatment.

    How can I show that I permanently changed?“- a little at a time, gradually. Focus on making small progress over a long time, instead of expecting a big change all at once.

    “I tried to avoid crying and control my instinctive behaviors as much as I can, but it’s no use… How can I control my emotions and turn rational??? Any recommended books?

    – There are many books on autism and on various treatments for autism. I just looked at an Amazon list and a book with the title “Beyond Behavioral Management: The Six Life skills Children Need” looks promising to me.

    I want something else, some other powerful technique to permanently be happy and stay in the now instead of tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow!!!! What can I do?“- To stay in the now, get help with lowering your anxiety and stress level, there are techniques to do that, such as breathing techniques, progressive muscle relaxation and more.

    You can’t “permanently be happy” though, no one can.

    What kind of help, if any, did you, or do you get in school, help from your special education teachers?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 9 months, 1 week ago by anita.
    #390246
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hello Ivygrl!

    It sounds like you’re dealing a lot. No wonder you’ve been feeling overwhelmed.

    Emotions can be challenging for everyone.

    As an adult with a mental health condition I found myself frequently crying for 3 hours at a time.

    I am more stable now. I believe that it is okay to cry. I found that beating myself up about the behaviour prolonged the episode. Learning to treat myself with compassion and soothing my emotional responses by practicing self-care and boundary setting were key for me to overcome these issues. It takes a lot of time and effort to learn to manage behaviours, so patience with yourself is key.

    A therapist might be able to help you develop your emotional regulation skills and come up with coping strategies. You also seem to be quite hard on yourself at least when you’re upset. Perhaps this is something you have learned from others?

    Personally, I don’t believe that your carer responded appropriately in the situation you discussed in the library. My understanding is that a carer is supposed to support you, not attempt to punish you. Punishment would typically be a parents job if they perceived that rules had been broken.

    Does being around your carer make you anxious? Do you fear upsetting them?

    At the moment I would say that some of the behaviours that yourself and others are unhappy with are expected due to your condition. It will take time to overcome. I think it’s really important not to blame yourself, you are a teenager and have a medical condition. Just try and do your best! Maybe set a goal to do a little better each time.

    Do you have a plan to help you with school? Perhaps a tutor might be beneficial?

    On a happier note, I think it’s a great idea for you to pursue your passions.

    #390260
    Ivy
    Participant

    Hi Anita and Helcat:

    The reason why I want to “be happy permanently” is because I want to be optimistic. I am not optimistic in real life, and I don’t even have time to think about positive things, because I have schoolwork/classwork to think about almost everyday. There’s always something almost impossible to think about at school, even though I work hard and mostly get As, Bs, or Cs, I have to keep up everything. The only times I’m happy is the time I have winter break or any holiday break with finished homework, and if everything goes my way.

    Btw, I meant to say for my autism medications is that there is no cure for autism, but I have medicine treatment for my sleeping issues (sometimes I also creates problems with sleeping though). There’s no treatment for dealing with my crying and wailing.

    How can I get “stronger and stronger over time, on the inside and on the outside”? I feel like trying to be strong both inside and outside is easier said than done. Also how can I “Focus on making small progress over a long time, instead of expecting a big change all at once”? I also feel like starting small is better than doing big. But I don’t step in a take the chance because everything I worry about is that, “tomorrow would be better” or “I don’t have much time for this”. How can I stop forcing myself to think this way and think about something else?

    To answer your question, my teachers actually did help me a lot. I won’t say their names though. My teachers taught me lately about trying not to be sneaky, and listening to rules, keeping my hands to yourself, and no crying or screaming at school. But they don’t help on all things. I did not even tell them about the so called incident with my babysitter, because my teacher that I have now will be mad at me.  I also learned about the themes of trying to distract yourself from sleeping and sad memories. None of these problems are happening now, but I’m scared they will happen at an unexpected time. What can I do so that I can be optimistic and never let sad or devastating and fatal memories enter in my mind?  How can I believe in myself and other like the secret/law of attraction?? It’s hard to feel good like I wanted because of too many distractions.

    How did you manage to keep your promises?? Please tell me your secret, because I cannot keep any promises and every promises I keep is a major failure. It’s impossible for me to keep up.

    I really need lots of help with writing a good story and art with my new sketchbook. I want to be creative artist and writer. But people want me to do school more. What can I do?

    Also I don’t work hard enough. And when I try to read a book, I do not read enough of nonfiction because nonfiction is boring and hard, except for fiction. Also every technique I try is not easy and seems difficult to do when reading for fun, like annotating, taking notes, and peripheral senses. What can I do to read more and have more fun reading a book? I feel like taking notes are important especially when reading a book. I’m scared but I want to read a book now. What can I do?

    Also for Helcat’s questions:

    1. “You also seem to be quite hard on yourself at least when you’re upset. Perhaps this is something you have learned from others?”
    Yes, I’m always hard on myself. I don’t know if I learned how to be too harsh on myself. (I think I learned about how pushing yourself can be bad a bit, but I haven’t learned how to stop and end this problem permanently) I don’t think learned this from other people, just do everything you can to be better and make others happy, because I don’t have time to be happy. I have to put myself last because I have schoolwork when I have school. And I also learned that I can’t control myself. And my emotions very much, just to go outside and take a break. But what if I don’t want a break and the break won’t help me? Because to be successful, my slogan that I follow is to do it now and force yourself to be in the level where you have to be perfect and good enough. It’s just like trying to dance in the right way in the Wii console to Just Dance . Everyone’s better than I am. And I almost always fall in last place.I want to have fun, but letting loose to enjoy is just too hard, and I can’t let loose, I have to do something to be better. And to permanently become an optimistic person, right??

    2. “Does being around your carer make you anxious? Do you fear upsetting them?”
    I used to be happy with my caregiver, but lately I started to get more anxious and more insecure because she will stop me from speaking and letting me do what I want. She’s ok but I’m so anxious and insecure, I don’t want her to see me cry. And a local writing workshop from my local library finally decided not to continue the workshop until after new year’s day of next year, because she din’t want to expose to COVID problems. So she gave away notebooks. And I was going to be in that program and now I’m not happy because I have to wait a whole week, and I want someone to finally read a story I made up, and they still they forget about what I want. What can I do? When I’m so scared to tell the truth? I don’t want to be subtle, gibberish and weak anymore. I want to be strong! I need help!

    3. “Do you have a plan to help you with school? Perhaps a tutor might be beneficial?”
    I have to plan to help with my school, just a schedule and I have to to do whatever the schedule says, so I get what I get and I shouldn’t be upset. And I do all I can to stop crying. Because now I’m learning that to be successful and never cry ever again in front of school (because I did that in ninth grade), you must never get punished by school and push yourself to the point of burnout and cry like a baby. But whatever you do you must never cry. That’s the only hope of self controlling myself. But what can I do to control all crying habits. I don’t want a therapist or counselor to help me. I want to be perfect. What if I say something wrong?
    also I only have paras, so no tutors until I graduate and do whatever I want, and other than the people I trust I cannot get the help I want. People who are supple and kind to me will take forever to talk to me, but not the people who I trust further. They will just become hot headed whenever they want, and I will still just become unnecessary. What can I do?

    i just failed to be a good writer, so I want to say that I might either continue, or give it up and let go of writing until it’s almost all unlearned, and until I want to try to write a whole story again. What can I do? And how can I make my creative writing and art dreams come true. I need help with my sketchbook. I have nothing to draw and when I put my pen on the paper I still get so scared what to draw. I love comics, but I’m scared to draw the storyboard panels, so what can I do?

    Thank you, Helcat and anita, for the previous advice.

    please respond back when you are ready.

    From, Ivygrl.

     

    #390261
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ivy:

    I will be able to reply to you more at length in about 15 hours from now.

    There’s no treatment for dealing with my crying and wailing“-

    health line. com/ health/ autism/ what to do autism meltdown has a wonderful article just about what you brought up: the crying and wailing meltdowns. You may want to read it.

    It says in part: “Autistic children aren’t crying, wailing, or flailing to get at us somehow. They’re crying because it’s what their bodies need to do in that moment to release tension and emotion from feeling overwhelmed with emotions or sensory stimulations”, followed by 1-6 suggestions for parents as to how to reach to the meltdowns in ways that will help the child.

    anita

    #390267
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ivygrl:

    You shared that you are 16 or 17, a Special Education student in high school, 11th grade. You are overwhelmed with schoolwork and when you feel ignored, unheard, and/ or frustrated otherwise, you perform behaviors that you referred to as: “baby behaviors”, “bad habits/ behaviors”, “instinctive behaviors“, and “whining, crying, and wailing habits with my mouth within”:

    I cried, thinking that my caregiver didn’t hear my voice. I cried and screamed and wailed… my caregiver failed to listen to me, so I cried. I cried and wailed like a BABY, unable to control my baby behavior“.

    These behaviors recently happened in the library, and “the librarians got annoyed and told me to get out until I behaved better“. Your “babysitter/caregiver was soooo angry“, and told you “that until I learned my lesson, I will never go outside ever again“.

    Anger is a part of these behaviors: “I also spilled my water bottle angrily because no one will ever like me ever again“.

    You tried many times to control and stop the behaviors, but failed, and as a result you feel hopeless, helpless, very frustrated and weak: “Everything is irreversible, and there’s nothing I can do to fix it… The cycle will always happen, over and over and over and over and over again… constantly and repeatedly… I’m sick of being weak… I tried to avoid crying and control my instinctive behaviors as much as I can, but it’s no use… No matter how hard I try, it’s not going the way I want it to be”.

    You were prescribed medications to help you to calm down and to sleep better: “Pharmacy pill medicine was used because of my sleep problems and my calming down“.

    I figure that being that you are almost a legal adult, I looked at the website autism. org/ behaviors in adults with autism. It reads:  “In children with ASD, challenging behaviors are a significant problem that can interfere with nearly all aspects of daily life. Later, as these children grow into adulthood, their bodies become larger, and they become stronger. Consequently, these behaviors can become even more severe, significantly reducing these individuals’ quality of life and often endangering the people who care for them…

    “To compound the problem, most physicians and therapists have little experience treating adults on the autism spectrum… One common treatment option recommended by professionals is sedation, but sedative drugs can negatively impact cognition, sociability, and motor abilities. In addition, they do not address the underlying problems causing the behaviors”.

    About another website, I read: “Adults diagnosed with autism disorders are prone to anger outbursts. An ‘on-off’ quality where individuals may be calm one second and, in a rage, the next…  According to autism-help. org, these are six common causes of anger in relation to autism disorders:

    1. Being swamped by multiple tasks or sensory stimulation Multitasking has become more common in today’s on-the-move society. People expect others to be able to do more than one task at a time. But what may seem minimal to some can be extremely stressful to an autistic individual.

    2. Other people’s behavior: An autistic individual may take great offense to insensitive or sarcastic comments that most may judge as light humor. Being ignored, whether on purpose or by accident, is a prevalent trigger as well.

    3. Having routine and order disrupted… Many subconsciously cope with stress by following strict daily regimes. Disrupting a routine means disrupting a coping mechanism. For those struggling with high functioning autism and anger, the organization of their room can be very important to their routine. Simply moving something around in their area could cause a huge disruption to their comfort zone.

    4. Difficulties with employment and relationships despite being intelligent in many areas: Many autistic individuals report feeling like their talents and capabilities are often overlooked and unappreciated…

    5. Intolerance of imperfections in others: Both physically and mentally, the individual may have stressors indirectly caused by people. Big noses may be one. High-pitched voices or people who speak too fast may be another. Allowing them to express these pet peeves may result in further understanding of their anger-related behavior.

    6. Buildup of stress: … Many autistic individuals must be taught how to process their stress and emotions.”

    Back to the first website I mentioned, it reads that a root cause for these challenging behaviors in individuals on the Autistic Spectrum Disorder is HIGH AROUSAL LEVELS, meaning that lights or sounds that don’t feel too bright or too loud to people with low/ average arousal levels, feel too bright and too loud and therefore, too distressing to people with high arousal levels.

    Also, bodily discomforts such as perspiring or being constipated bother people with high arousal levels a whole lot more than it bothers people with low/ average arousal levels. Same things with emotions such as anger, frustration, sadness, etc., these bother people with high arousal levels much more than they bother people with low/ average arousal levels.

    The extra anxiety, tension and distress that highly aroused person feel leads to some of these challenging behaviors, behaviors that are aimed at relieving and releasing the anxiety, tension and distress.

    In addition to the above, these challenging behaviors may be sometimes motivated by a desire for positive or negative attention, a desire to avoid something you don’t want to do, or a situation you don’t want to be in, etc.

    In summary: here is what I understand can help you a whole lot: (1) See a medical doctor for a thorough physical checkup: identify and seek medical help for any medical problem that can be fixed or made better, such as inflammation, constipation and fungal infections. The healthier and more comfortable that you are physically, the less arousal that you will experience, and the less the physical need to release aroused distress via those challenging, undesirable behaviors,

    (2) Have low-intensity lighting in your room and in your home (no bright lights), avoid loud sounds, wear comfortable, loose clothing, etc., whatever will make you more comfortable and lower your arousal levels. It is very important that there no one screams at you or at other people in your presence. The quieter your homelife, the better it is for you,

    (3) Eat healthily and exercise daily,

    (4) Avoid multi-tasking at home: do one task at a time. See if your teachers can give you less homework: one homework assignment per day, or every other day, not more,

    (5) Have your psychiatrist re-evaluate your medications,

    (6) Ask your teacher/ counseling center in school for help in learning to be assertive: to ask for what you need in ways that are likely to get you what you need, to request that people don’t joke with you in ways that annoy you, etc., to express your anger in ways that make you feel better about yourself (using words instead of crying and wailing), as well as help with lowering your stress level in ways such as breathing exercises, guided meditations, yoga, etc.

    (7) Keep a daily routine that includes some activity outdoors at least once a day, so that you are not always indoors.

    anita

     

     

    • This reply was modified 9 months, 1 week ago by anita.
    #390281
    Helcat
    Participant

    Happy holidays Ivygrl!

    Please see below part one of my reply. I will post part two separately tomorrow. There is a lot to cover!

    I would recommend reading about different learning styles and studying / note taking methods. Figure out which study techniques might be helpful to you. Unfortunately, college is often better than school for accommodating different learning styles. Taking regular breaks is important when you’re studying. When you’re at home perhaps you could get a snack to eat while you’re studying.

    There are a lot of free websites that can assist with school work. If you Google the topic you’re working on you may find helpful information. Khan Academy is a great website with information about a variety of subjects.

    Regarding your art and writing. There are many online communities and resources that can assist you with your art and writing. Google is a wonderful tool. It sounds difficult to find a balance with school and creativity.

    Good luck!

    • This reply was modified 9 months, 1 week ago by Helcat.
    #390373
    Ivy
    Participant

    (Note for Helcat: you can write the rest of the message you wanted Helcat. This message is for anita)

    Hi anita, it’s Ivygrl again.

    How are you today, I’m good. But I have questions to ask you, when you don’t mind answering.
    How can I have a good quality of life back? And how can I stop endangering my family members and friends? Even if I have autism? I cannot go outside once a day because of school and my home, and strict rules about when to go outside or not, and I am not a person who knows how to travel too well on streets yet.
    I worry very much that since my mom is strict with behavior and responsibilities, she doesn’t want to hear me cry in those unnecessary situations. She doesn’t want to see me upset, she wants to see me happy. She just doesn’t want to hear me scream while crying in punishment situations. And I have wish : to be permanently, optimistically happy.
    But I have 3 problems I need lots of help with:
    1. I want to write and draw stuff but I don’t know how to put my gel pens and pencils on paper? What can I do and what do you do to draw and doodle stuff on paper? I get so scared of ruining stuff, I want to make things perfect, when I know perfection doesn’t exist in art. What could I do with my gel pens and sketchbook and blank sheet of papers then?
    2. How can I ever stop being frustrated and weak as an autistic individual? I know that there are only two strengths: mental strength and physical strength. And to be strong you have to push yourself really hard to the point of burnout. And to never argue, because then you will complain, blame others, make excuses, and who knows what else?! I stick to push myself really really hard and be successful now or else you are the weak one. Also I have no idea the difference between complaining,blaming, and making excuses, I know those are forms of “surviving” then failing. Also how am I failing, and how can I succeed with patience and avoid all those problems I’ve been suffering and dealing with? I’m not patient and I really want to be too, to permanently become strong. I don’t know what goals I want, but I want to make my area when I am at home autistic-friendly and non-arousal. I can also try to at least give myself more exercise, and draw stuff when I get a chance.
    3. How can I be more assertive without hurting anyone’s feelings? I feel like anything I want to say will cause problems and concern with the people I enjoy and trust, and I want to make more friends in person, but I cannot make enough friends in person and the only friends I ever have are adults, and all adults I talk to who are friends with me are either serious and can be mean to me and enforce my limits when I’m punished , -or- they are kind, friendly and do not enforce much, when it’s their job to enforce and I like the nice adults more than the mean adults.

    Based on my understanding, in the situation I am in an autistic situation where certain lighting and loud noises -also known as “arousal levels” – besides the autism itself, can cause problems to an autistic individual followed by stressful tasks and multitasking and other stressful/“ unnecessary” and imperfect? I agree that it’s true in several ways. I mean, I did notice I hate when people snap their fingers or shout very loudly and it’s annoyingly annoying. I beginning to notice my family isn’t too autistic friendly, even though my family actually loves me and stuff. They don’t tell the truth at times to the therapists or counselors that I really hate noises or lights that I hate all the time. I hate scary dark soothing voices too, especially ones that help me calm down. Or hypnotic voices. It’s creepy and kinda scary.
    “Back to the first website I mentioned, it reads that a root cause for these challenging behaviors in individuals on the Autistic Spectrum Disorder is HIGH AROUSAL LEVELS, meaning that lights or sounds that don’t feel too bright or too loud to people with low/ average arousal levels, feel too bright and too loud and therefore, too distressing to people with high arousal levels.”
    For the second part I kind of get it, but how can I control my challenging excess stress and tension behaviors? I can’t multitask too well and if I any routine changes then I would have problems getting used to it as said in the previous message. How can I take one step at a time when I’m told to do too many things now? I stick to the saying “deal with everything now, and do not ask you teachers for help or tell the truth until you need it” because I’m scared but sometimes I fear my teachers cannot be comfortable with me. I want to be better and successful so that I can get a scholarship in one year, and I want to be enough!! What can I do now?
    “Also, bodily discomforts such as perspiring or being constipated bother people with high arousal levels a whole lot more than it bothers people with low/ average arousal levels. Same things with emotions such as anger, frustration, sadness, etc., these bother people with high arousal levels much more than they bother people with low/ average arousal levels.
    The extra anxiety, tension and distress that highly aroused person feel leads to some of these challenging behaviors, behaviors that are aimed at relieving and releasing the anxiety, tension and distress.
    In addition to the above, these challenging behaviors may be sometimes motivated by a desire for positive or negative attention, a desire to avoid something you don’t want to do, or a situation you don’t want to be in, etc.”
    Hope you send me back a message.
    From, Ivygrl.

    #390421
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ivygrl:

    How are you today“- I am feeling better, thank you, now that I have power and internet back. Because of heavy snow and below freezing temperatures, I lost both since yesterday, had it back almost 24 hours later.

    How can I have a good quality of life back? And how can I stop endangering my family members and friends? Even if I have autism?… “How can I ever stop being frustrated and weak as an autistic individual?… how can I succeed with patience… ? … how can I control my challenging excess stress and tension behaviors?… What can I do now? “- the post I submitted to you yesterday has all my answers. For better answers, you will need to ask a competent professional who knows a lot about autism. I am not a professional and I know very little about autism.

    I worry very much that since my mom… doesn’t want to hear me cry in those unnecessary situations… She just doesn’t want to hear me scream while crying in punishment situations“- I understand that your mother, like other people, do not want to hear you cry and scream, especially in public.

    Can you tell me what a punishment situation means?

    I get so scared of ruining stuff, I want to make things perfect, when I know perfection doesn’t exist in art. What could I do with my gel pens and sketchbook and blank sheet of papers then?“- relax before and during producing your art and repeatedly say to yourself out loud, in a calm voice: it is okay to not be perfect. No one is perfect.

    To be strong you have to push yourself really hard to the point of burnout… I stick to push myself really really hard and be successful“- it is not true that to be strong you need to push yourself to the point of burnout. The opposite is true: to be pushed to the point of burnout makes a person weak. When you do push yourself, push yourself very gently!

    How can I be more assertive without hurting anyone’s feelings?“- give me an example of a situation where you need to be assertive, and I will give you advice on how to assert yourself in that situation.

    I beginning to notice my family isn’t too autistic friendly, even though my family actually loves me and stuff. They don’t tell the truth at times to the therapists or counselors, that I really hate noises or lights“-

    – do you mean that people in your family (parents?) hide information from therapists and counselors, for example, that you hate noises and lights? What other kinds of information does your family hide from therapists and counselors, and why?

    How can I take one step at a time when I’m told to do too many things now?“- calmly and confidently, best you can, tell whoever is telling you to do too many things at once: that you will accomplish more if you do one thing at a time. Tell them that being pushed to do too many things at once is leading to your burnouts and outburst, and better prevent these!

    anita

    #390449
    Helcat
    Participant

    Sorry for the delay Ivygrl! I was unwell yesterday and wasn’t able to give my full attention.

    I think you’re asking all the right questions, this kind of personal development takes effort, time, patience and acceptance.

    Whilst wanting to improve your behaviour and emotional control is understandable and a great goal. I think it is equally important to accept your condition and the unique limitations that come with it.

    When I say accept, I mean do not blame yourself when things don’t go to plan. It’s okay to make mistakes.

    I’ve said before you seem very hard on yourself. You’ve mentioned that you have perfectionist tendencies. This puts additional stress and anxiety on yourself. Relaxing your attitude and challenging these thoughts. Allowing yourself to be without punishing yourself is very important for managing anxiety. One method people use when they are struggling to be kind to themselves is “what would I say to a friend in my situation?”.

    You’ve mentioned that teachers tell you off for behaviours, you mentioned that your mother is strict. You mentioned your carer threatened you. This is what I meant when I asked before if you picked up these tendencies from others.

    Negative emotions are as much a part of life as the positive ones. Crying can even be helpful. It can release tension and endorphins, it is a request for comfort from others. Personally, understanding my reasons for crying helped me to substitute an alternative behaviour. If I want comfort from others. I know to communicate that now.

    Understanding your triggers can help you plan strategies to cope with those situations.

    For example, when I’m anxious I find that I don’t communicate well. To avoid issues when I know I am going to be anxious, I often write down in advance what I would like to say. Including phrases to end conversations if it gets too much.

    Personally, I have difficulties with changes to plans. This means that I need to ask others for help to figure out a new next step in the plan.

    Self-soothing is a very important skill to learn to help manage difficult emotions. Meditation or journaling can be helpful for some. Practicing compassionate self-talk is another strategy. Perhaps you already have some self-care methods that work for you?

    • This reply was modified 9 months ago by Helcat.
    #390882
    Ivy
    Participant

    Hi there, Anita and Helcat ,

    It’s Ivygrl again. Sorry about the delay, for one week I decided not to reply for now. I’m doing ok now thank you for the advice. I’ll do my best to try to fix more of my habits. It won’t be easy, but I’ll eventually try to fix them. Though doing them all at once is a multitasking hassle. But I might ask my parents about this.
    And also, I might need help on asking for help at the right time. Because at school I didn’t ask for help, and my teacher saying that I need to advocate for myself to people more. But I’m so scared. Because I’m supposed to do everything by myself. That I’m a adult and I need to understand that rewards do not come in handy, especially in punishments.
    And I’m also sometimes too scared to tell the truth to my teachers, and back then a now I need to do all work on my own. Well so far my teachers are giving me one work at a time to deal with. You need to earn the rewards and do everything perfect by yourself. If you want to win you have to do everything perfect, successful, and not a noob. Right?

    Anita, when you said:

    – “To be strong you have to push yourself really hard to the point of burnout… I stick to push myself really really hard and be successful“- it is not true that to be strong you need to push yourself to the point of burnout. The opposite is true: to be pushed to the point of burnout makes a person weak. When you do push yourself, push yourself very gently!”, – What do you mean by that?

    what does it really mean to push yourself too hard really? I mean I’m not trying to push myself. And how can I stop pushing myself too hard? What am I doing wrong once I do my stuff and hobbies?

    – “I worry very much that since my mom… doesn’t want to hear me cry in those unnecessary situations… She just doesn’t want to hear me scream while crying in punishment situations“- I understand that your mother, like other people, do not want to hear you cry and scream, especially in public.

    Can you tell me what a punishment situation means?” – for the “punishment situation” I actually mean the situation where you are punished and that you are never supposed to cry, or get upset, even if you want to cry or get upset really bad. There’s no way to shift back the emotions though, not unless they go away naturally, but I don’t want the sad feeling to go away naturally. I want them to go away now. What can I do?

    -“I beginning to notice my family isn’t too autistic friendly, even though my family actually loves me and stuff. They don’t tell the truth at times to the therapists or counselors, that I really hate noises or lights“-

    – do you mean that people in your family (parents?) hide information from therapists and counselors, for example, that you hate noises and lights? What other kinds of information does your family hide from therapists and counselors, and why?” – I’m starting to realize that my parents do love me, but they don’t give enough information about my autism arousal. They aren’t me, but they should know some thing about me and I should chat with them. But the point is the doctors did not tell what type of autism I have.

    And Helcat: to answer your question about self care, I don’t know any self care methods that can help me, but I know that I like to write, and I’m scared to journal and write the truth.
    also what do you mean when you said:

    “I’ve said before you seem very hard on yourself. You’ve mentioned that you have perfectionist tendencies. This puts additional stress and anxiety on yourself. Relaxing your attitude and challenging these thoughts. Allowing yourself to be without punishing yourself is very important for managing anxiety. One method people use when they are struggling to be kind to themselves is “what would I say to a friend in my situation?”.

    You’ve mentioned that teachers tell you off for behaviours, you mentioned that your mother is strict. You mentioned your carer threatened you. This is what I meant when I asked before if you picked up these tendencies from others.”?- I don’t know to stop “punishing” myself. I also heard that “less is more”, but what does it really mean in life? How can I stop pushing myself to the point where I get less usable effort?
    Because I really want to succeed well with my passions and love (like drawing and writing) , and without too much effort. I really do not like the way I push and move less when I push (like when I learn at school) . And at the end of the day, we all want to get better.

    so I hope you have a nice day, and reply to my questions when you need to. Thank you Anita and a Helcat for supporting me and I hope you support me more in future replies. From, Ivygrl.

    #390883
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ivygrl:

    I wrote to you: “When you do push yourself, push yourself very gently!”, and you asked me: “What do you mean by that?” – I mean that instead of saying to yourself something like, I must hurry up and move faster and not be lazy! etc., say to yourself something like, I will move a little faster, if it’s too difficult, I will stop. I am a hard-working, honest person.

    You wrote: “There’s no way to shift back the emotions though, not unless they go away naturally, but I don’t want the sad feeling to go away naturally. I want them to go away now. What can I do?” – try to let go of wanting your emotions to go away NOW. Try to not desire that, and your emotions will calm down faster than otherwise. Wanting our emotions to disappear right away makes them stay longer!

    I’m starting to realize that my parents do love me, but they don’t give enough information about my autism arousal…. But the point is the doctors did not tell what type of autism I have” – reads like you should see better and more informed professionals about your autism, professionals who will offer you and your parents all the information that is possible to offer, including information about arousal levels and the topic of punishments (personally, I didn’t understand what you shared about punished).

    anita

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