Hi Anita,

Thank you so much, it made so much sense.

I am still at home, and I find it hard.

I feel like everything is my fault. And that somehow that I am unlovable. I am angry, and ashamed of being angry. I want to tell people how I feel and be completely honest but what good would that do? It’s hard being at home here. I have so many conflicting feelings. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to be affected by this energy but I am. I grew up with a mum and dad that I’ve never seem kiss or hug. It was a very hostile environment and it always seemed like life was hard work. There was little joy. They talked to us (children) about each other and it was always only blame. It feels the same, still. There is so much passive aggression going on. My mum is in so much pain, which is horrible to see. She never speaks about her feelings, she complains about many things. Especially my dad and the lack of money. She thinks he doesn’t help enough, and she gives comments that are full of blame and aggression. It’s such a tense energy to be around. My dad is quite unaware that he has anything to do with it, he just thinks she is too sensitive.

It’s been like this for so many years so why do I still care? Why do I feel more awful than ever. I always felt it was my responsibility to make them happy. To solve their problems, to be a good buddhist. A good girl. Just take all the pain and swallow it because that’s what a good girl does. I can see how my mum just placed her happiness in others. And my dad did not take care of her happiness. He is aloof and emotionally disconnected. He hurt me a few times when I’ve been back. He mocked me for how I continually find myself in broken relationships, and how I am not as strong as I think. I feel bad for talking to my mum about it, because taking back the power or becoming empowered is something she has struggled with. It’s like they’ve not seen their own potential and then blame each other for it. I feel bad for writing this down here. I really want to protect them but I don’t have the energy. I do exactly the opposite to what I should be doing. A good buddhist should look at others good qualities and not their faults.

It’s hard to describe the energy, I wish I had the strength to focus on the good things instead if the bad. I feel run down and hopeless. I know it will change but I find it hard at the moment. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

My ex partner took contact with me over the phone. He was scared that I had already moved on. I think he was relieved when I said that I was still upset. I talked to him yesterday. He said the things that I’ve been waiting 4 years to hear. That he took accountability for his actions and how he had mistreated me. That he was really upset to have to let go of me because he really loved me and that I deserve much better. He said that he will change now because that’s what he does when he is alone and vulnerable. He makes it sound like he really wanted to be with me but that he has to let me go because I deserve better. After hanging up, I am left with so much anger and sadness and guilt. Why do I keep on doing this to myself? I long to speak to him and wish that he could just want to be with me. Why do I want to be with someone that treats me that way. I don’t know why he needed to talk to me. Just to let me know that he have understood everything but still thinks it’s best if we don’t continue seeing each other. He just kept on saying that I broke up with him, but I said that I didn’t have a choice. I really didn’t have a choice. He could change but only once we broke up. So he didn’t want to change with me. It makes me feel unloved, unlovable. It’s hard to talk to him when he kind because I miss him. That part of him. He said that he didn’t trust me, that once I realised my attachment to him that I would leave. That I was too attached to him, it wasn’t good for me. That I wouldn’t be able to deal with his life. That I am fee spirit and shouldn’t settle. He then said that he had a dream the other night about me moving on and meeting someone else and how hard that was for him. He always seemed so attached, and said that he wouldn’t miss me and now he is showing me quite the opposite.

I feel like I’ve been the manipulative person in the relationship, I so desperately wanted him to like me. I tried to meet his needs of needing space, being less dependant and emotional. I was jealous, that he wanted to be with someone else. And in reality he did have attraction for another in the house we were sharing, he e expressed it to her and I couldnt help but to become upset. And he blamed me for not being open minded. I started to look at his phone, because I didn’t trust him, and I regret that. He said that he didn’t watch porn as the same time as removing intimare and sex from our relationship. But he did, there was a period where he was doing it everyday and still I couldnt really ask about it as he would have said that I was beeing controlling and not as open minded as I once used to be. I thought I was overreacting, and I tortured myself of the pain of looking at his phone. Maybe I don’t deserve love because I am controlling.

Maybe it was my fault, maybe I’m the problem. I have very little energy, I don’t want to many things. I find it hard to sleep. I feel judged and ashamed. Broken and alone. Selfish.

I talked to an amazing woman online, dealing with covert emotional abuse. It really helped talking to her. After I spoke to her, I really felt that it wasn’t my fault. Doesn’t mean I don’t need to heal it’s just that the things I hold myself accountable for was not my fault. The day after I spoke to her I woke up happier than I’ve been in a long time. But slowly I go back to the pattern of feeling unlovade and at fault. There must be something wrong with me that my expartner doesn’t want me. It was free spritiness, my anxious attachment, my naiveness, my trusting heart, my lack of boundaries, I made him feel insecure that I someday would just leave him when I realise that I want something different.

He didn’t want to connect and work together. We broke up and then he realised everything. That breaks my heart. Because that’s what I asked for in the relationship. It’s like he wouldn’t do that for me, I feel abandonded. Again.

Thank you for reading and trying understand me. I hope I didn’t repeat myself to many times. I find it hard to be clear today with my words.

Thank you.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 11 months ago by Elisa.