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  • #389041
    Elisa
    Participant

    Hi again,

    So I have come here for support a few times over the last few years. I always find that it helps me bring clarity.

    And I am riddled with feeling of failure, that surely I could have realised my unconscious pattern I’ve been playing out for so long, why was it so hard to leave, or should I say, why is it so hard to leave.

    So my partner (still the same relationship I was in over a year ago) has broken up with me a few days over the last year. I always regarded his breakup to come from his avoidant tactic to reject me before I rejected him so when he wanted to come back I accepted it. I’ve been so focused on him all this time and I guess I feel more comfortable doing so. I tried to understand the silents treatment, the contmept, the lack of boundaries, the lack of care and love. Sometimes he would change and display a caring and warm side. Now when I sit here, I am sad that I put myself through all of that, pretending to be a martyr. Thinking that he was the source of my worth and to all cost I needed to stay with him. I would trust his words more than his actions. I understand that my attachment trauma cycle was triggered (anxious attachment), I somehow made him the owner of my happiness despite all the psychological and spiritual teachings I’ve heart.

    I wish that he could understand me, accept and care for me. But I understand that I perhpas met someone that can’t do these things for me and the message was for me to meet thos needs myself. That I, my whole life been running from myself (inner child) Abandoning her by entering relationships with men that will only be able to give me the message the so desperately feel themselves “I am not good enough”. I’ve had an intellectual understanding of this for so long, but I kept avoiding the truth. I thought that somehow he was able to give me what I want, only if I change, then he can accept me. But I realised how can you give something that you don’t have within your own heart.

    Everything is unfolding in front of my eyes and inside of my heart. I am experiencing things in a felt sense and things are unlocking within. I realised that I have been abandonding my own needs and wishes to keep the attachment bond. I feel like I’ve been under a spell. So three weeks back he broke up with me, acting quite mean. I accepted it. I felt empowered. But then after a week he comes into my room (we live in a communal living) and just lies down in my bed and from then on we shared intimacy. I guess intimacy was always a way for me to feel accepted and connected. Or should I rather say, in  a relationship that lack emotional intimacy, sexual intimacy becomes more important.

    I so desperatly wanted to be accepted by this man. All I could think is that when we break up he will just find someone else, although he says that he doesn’t want to. That would prove that I am not worthy, not good enough. I understand that I am not meeting my needs of appreciation and connection myself, and I externalise my needs. I guess I’ve been doing it for so long that it’s a strong habit. Maybe he will change for someone else, it’s just all my fault. I am so needy.

    But that belief has kept me so stuck. Everything was my fault. I am responsible.

    My friend, that knows my partner, wondered why I protect him to all costs when he wouldn’t do the same for you. He says that my partner is so disconnected from his feelings that he comes across fake. And that he highly manipulative.

    Everyone wish that I could just leave. But somehow I am still stuck, in some levels.

    But I am going to break up with him today and implement boundaries. I want to step into my own power and go against this deep seated thought that I am not good enough. Perhaps all this chaos was for me to take my power back. To know that I don’t need to depend on another to be happy. I have never been able to keep boundaries, as they trigger guilt within me.

    But I am starting, not to trust my partner, I wonder who he really is. I understand that he is hurt, wounded and in pain but I somehow made that into an excuse. Of course it can be an understanding. But I excuse his behaviour.

    So he came in whilst I was writing this message. I wanted to share my boundaries, I might said something that made him angry because he became very angry. So we live in this house with other buddhists, we have split the house in two halves. Me and my partner lives in seperate houses, in two different rooms. My partner has a 8 year old and a 4 year old. So most people in this house agrees that my partner should move out, but they don’t speak openly about it. They can see how his behaviour is impacting me. I am letting it impacting me. My family does not stay here but his does. He wants to just continue to pretend that everything is ok and keep living together. But I can’t see how that would work. I still have feelings for him. He keeps saying that he doesn’t have money for it, that he doesn’t want to live with his parents (where he could save up money) or put himself on a list get a house by the council (they would help him with this). So I asked him if he would consider moving out, move to his parents. And he said that I should be the one moving our because I have the money (I have lived here much shorter than he has, and this is a really beautiful place for me to be at this moment in time, healing), I stood my ground. He then said that he could move to the other side of the house (we have two kitchens) but because there is a woman there that he was attracted to (during our relationship) and another cute woman has moved in, I told him that Simon, the landlord and friend, said that he didn’t want him on that side because of those women (I probably shouldn’t have said that, it just came out) I mean it’s true but he probably angered him much more.

    Simon did tell me that he would try to get back to me because he doesn’t want to move out. I don’t know if I am being influenced by Simons view of my partner, but I somehow need to adopt it in order to have boundaries. I feel bad now. He became so angry with him, I’ve not seen him like that. He usually just looks like he can’t be bothered by anyhing I say. I feel guilt, that I’ve done something bad. And I shouldn’t have said that thing about not moving to the other part of the house.

    Was I being to hard on him. I tried to have boundaries before, but he used to just minimise them. I guess that he is scared of moving out. He has a lot of fear. Which I could have been here for him. But I just got so tired of the hot and coldness, his unwillingness to take responsibillity over his beviour. Who have I been together with. I hurts my heart to think about it. Would I have ever got together with him, if I met my own need within myself. I understand that my anxious attachment has sparked his avoidance, of course I do. I should have taken owner ship of that, understand that if he can’t meet my needs then I need to leave. It was just that I didn’t know my needs until I started to explore them the last year with a therapist. Slowly but surely I have woken up to the possibillity that it’s ok to have wishes and needs, it’s ok to feel safe, to enjoy life, love does not mean martyrdom, and you don’t have to suffer in a relationship to prove that you are worthy.

    I am strong, but yet weak. I am sure, but confused. But at least it’s a start. I’ve taken responsibillity for things that it’s not mine.

    I look forward to your response, and appreciate your time taken to read this message.

     

    Love,

     

    Elisa

    #389045
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Elisa:

    I will read and reply to you in about 14 hours from now. If you would like to respond to my last reply to you from November 27, 2020, almost a year ago (on your previous thread Clarity) before I return to your current thread, please do.

    anita

    #389074
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Elisa:

    A little background: in your first thread on May 2016, you shared about your first boyfriend: “he… stalked me, forced me to have intercourse and so on“, and about your boyfriend at the time:  “he is not as ‘bad’ as my ex-boyfriend“- notice that you added quotation marks around bad, as if stalking you and forcing you to have intercourse with him wasn’t … necessarily bad.

    In your second thread on November 2020, you shared about the man you are still in a relationship with, a year after: “I have been in a relationship for 3 years… Throughout the relationship he has given me the silent treatment often…One moment he wanted to marry me and the next he thought I was the source of all his problems. One moment he was in love and then the other he angry… he made plans with me but they never followed through…He came into my room last night after he broke up with me and wanted to share intimacy, I knew that I should have said no, but I don’t want to hurt him”, so you had sex with him.

    Fast forward a year to November 2021, still in regard to the same man: “So three weeks back he broke up with me, acting quite mean…But then after a week he comes into my room (we live in a communal living) and just lies down in my bed and from then on we shared intimacy“- same as in the year before.

    I guess intimacy was always a way for me to feel accepted and connected. Or should I rather say, in a relationship that lack emotional intimacy, sexual intimacy becomes more important….  My friend, that knows my partner, wondered why I protect him to all costs“- I figure that you protected him at all costs, so far, because you’ve been waiting for him to change and accept you, connect to you and become emotionally intimate with you, waiting for him to truly love you.

    But I am going to break up with him today… I understand that he is hurt, wounded and in pain“- you are hurt, you are wounded, you are in pain. Focus on your pain so that you can heal from what is causing you pain. Because he is causing you pain, he is part of your problem, not part of the solution. Don’t protect the problem. Promote the solution.

    He wants to just continue to pretend that everything is ok and keep living together. But I can’t see how that would work“- one of you will have to move out as soon as possible.

    he said that I should be the one moving our because I have the money… this is a really beautiful place for me to be at this moment in time, healing“- it is not a healing place when he is part of the place, and when you are unable to keep him from getting into bed with you.

    Slowly but surely, I have woken up to the possibility that it’s ok to have wishes and needs, it’s ok to feel safe, to enjoy life, love does not mean martyrdom, and you don’t have to suffer in a relationship to prove that you are worthy. I am strong, but yet weak…. I look forward to your response“- congratulations for waking up, and I wish you to wake up not only to the possibility that it’s okay for you to feel safe and enjoy life and true love- but to the reality that you deserve these things!

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by .
    #389613
    Anonymous
    Guest

    How are you, Elisa?

    anita

    #389647
    Elisa
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you so much for reaching out. And replying on my last message. Truly appreciate it.

    The last sentence really made me think about things, how I deserve to be happy. Without feeling so down of so much shame.

    And also how instead of protecting myself I want to protect him.

    This last few weeks have been eye opening for me. Things seem to have falllen in to place.

    I connected to my childhood wound, as early as I can remember. How terrible scared I was as I felt so alone. Carrying the responsibillity to heal my whole family. I went back there and connected to so much compassion and realised in order to never feel so lonely and scared every again I built defense mechanisms around me. To keep me stuck in a loop of not feeling good enough. I realised that out of my attachment I have stayed in relationships that was damaging in many ways. My mantra was, if only he could accept then I would be lovable. I was always focusing on the other person and if they could accept me. I felt like I let go of the attachment, and beneath that was only love. Love for myself. I reconnected to who I really am. I am lovable and I deserve to be loved. It was a beautiful experience that I have never felt before. This will be my reference point from now on.

    It was also helpful to connect to the reality of the situation instead of the potential of the situation. I have endured a lot of abuse. And I found it so hard to walk away as I didn’t know if it was my fault or not, if only I could have changed. I uncovered that my belief of love is that it is about being used or abused. I guess this relationship didn’t seem so bad as the other ones.

    I really wanted to be with him. I admire him and still find him beautiful. But when I look back over the relationship it’s been very hot and cold, and often I felt like I had very little to do with it. I guess I still have a sense of that I meant nothing to him and that this is easy for him. That he is much happier without me, whilst I need to grieve and go through the pain. It’s not what I want in a relationship and although we share the same faith, we didn’t seem to be getting along. He used to say that it was unconscious neediness that made him to be mean to me. I realised that he was blaming my wounding from childhood to justify his behaviour. I worked very hard of becoming more securely attached.

    I just talked to him this evening. He says that he is going to move out. I still talk to him, and most of the time he acts quite cold. But just now he came in and gave me a hug and said that he is probably doing a mistake of letting me go. Sometimes I wonder that he just wants to run away, he is like a scared boy. Instead of becoming more conscious and open he is closing off. But I can’t change that I never will.

    I am starting to see through his behaviour also, instead of viewing him on a pedastal, I notice that sometimes he hides behind  a mask. And instead of listening to the words he says I am feeling the energy behind it.

    I know I still sound confused but I have grown so much. Sure I am still sad, broken and down. But something in me has re- awaken. I no longer need to be with people that directly and indirectly tell me that I am not good enough. I no longer need to take other peoples bad behaviour personal or like it’s my fault. I have the freedom to leave at any time as I don’t need the other person. I will and I can meet my own needs and start to appreciate and accept myself. It’s interesting how I have projected my needs outside myself to people that could never give me what I was looking for. It was hard being my partner, never knowing if he was going to like me or not, complain about me, make fun of me, giving me the silent treatment, contempt and never really owning his actions. I just tried to understand and understand until I realised that he is not my dad, and I don’t depend on him for my survival so I can let go. Perhaps I don’t need to be special to him. I can appreciate myself.

    There’s only one thing in the back of my mind. That now when we have broken up, he will suddenly change and become the being that I wanted to be with. And that I have lost him. That creates sadness in me. It just came up this evening after speaking to him. He spoke about all his future plans and show very little emotion about the breakup. I guess I still like the idea of him, I like his qualities, and sometimes I wonder why it was so hard for him to be nice to me. But then again, I am focusing on him and not me. I need to take care of myself now and give myself the love that my inner child needs.

     

    Thank you again.

    Love

    Elisa

    #389648
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Elisa:

    I am glad to see that you replied to me. I will be able to attentively read your recent post and reply tomorrow morning, in about 11-12 hours from now.

    anita

    #389662
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Elisa:

    You are very welcome. I apologize for not being back to your thread as early as I said I will.

    In your post yesterday, you shared: “I connected to my childhood wound, as early as I can remember. How terrible scared I was as I felt so alone… so lonely and scared…  not feeling good enough… if only.. I would be lovable. I was always focusing on the other person and if they could accept me… I have endured a lot of abuse. And I found it so hard to walk away as I didn’t know if it was my fault or not, if only I could have changed… I really wanted to be with him. I admire him and still find him beautiful… he is like a scared boy… viewing him on a pedestal… he is not my dad, and I don’t depend on him for my survival so I can let go. Perhaps I don’t need to be special to him… I still like the idea of him”-

    – your idea of him is not a reality, but an idea. The idea of him is a combination of (1) Viewing him the way a little girl views her father (and/ or her mother): admiring him, finding him beautiful, seeing him on a pedestal, as a superior, powerful being capable of giving you the lasting feelings of being good-enough, accepted and loved, focusing on him and waiting for him to give you these desperately needed feelings, and (2) Viewing him the way a mother views a little boy, as if you are his mother and he is a scared boy who needs you to give him these feelings that you need.

    On one hand, you project your idea of a father into him, and on the other hand, you project yourself (the little girl part of you) into him. These two projections constitute your idea of this man.

    You broke up with him most recently, but you worried only yesterday about the following: “now when we have broken up, he will suddenly change and become the being that I wanted to be with. And that I have lost him. That creates sadness in me“- you fear that he will become “the being”/ the powerful father-idea who could give you the lasting feelings that you need, but you will not be there to receive these feelings because you broke up.

    So, you see: even though you recently broke up, your fantasy/ the idea of him is not broken. For as long as this fantasy and idea of him are unbroken, you are likely to end up sleeping with him once again. It could have already happened since you posted last.

    He came into my room last night after he broke up with me and wanted to share intimacy” (Nov 2020), “So three weeks back he broke up with me…But then after a week he comes into my room (we live in a communal living) and just lies down in my bed and from then on we shared intimacy”(Nov 2021)

    I guess intimacy was always a way for me to feel accepted and connected”, you wrote last month. But sex has made you feel accepted and connected, good enough and lovable for only a short while. Too soon after the sex, you felt just as not good-enough and just as unlovable as you felt since you were a child.

    Reality: (1) You are not a little girl, (2) He is not the father you needed when you were a little girl, (3) He is not a little boy, (4) You are not his mother.

    Protect the little girl part of your emotional experience (the inner child in you) from being further sexualized. Your inner child does not need sex. She needs the … real thing: the real lasting feeling and conviction that she is loved, and that she is good enough to be loved.

    anita

    #389663
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Elisa:

    I neglected to address part of the quote with which I started my post above: “I have endured a lot of abuse. And I found it so hard to walk away as I didn’t know if it was my fault or not, if only I could have changed“-

    – as a child you (like all abused children) endured abuse because you had no choice on the matter. Walking away from abuse was not an option because there was nowhere to walk away to, no alternative home, no alternative parents.

    A child needs to believe that his/ her adult caretaker (mother, father) is a good person, so to feel safe with the parent. But when the parent is angry at the child and is hurting the child, the child figures: my parent is Good; I am Bad. I must have done something wrong, it is my fault, I deserve the anger and hurt. I must change who I am: from now on, I will be Good!

    Fast forward: the child never made it to be good-enough so to no longer be abused. The child becomes an adult, and history is repeated in the adult context: the formerly abused child endures abuse in adult relationships, feels at fault, wants to change and feels unable to simply leave… as if one is still a child with nowhere to go.

    You wrote yesterday: “he is not my dad, and I don’t depend on him for my survival so I can let go. Perhaps I don’t need to be special to him“- indeed: he is not your father, you are not a child, and you are not his child. Your physical survival is not at all dependent on him: a separation from him in reality is … not at all a problem for your survival.

    Please continue to separate reality from fantasy and your mental health will continue to greatly improve for it!

    anita

    #389912
    Elisa
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I can’t thank you enough for your last message. So many things that resonated with me and was clarified. I am at the moment going in between feeling empowered and strong to weak and confused.

    I have gone home for the holidays, it’s a challenging period for me for many different reasons but I finding especially hard this time.

    I have this strong feeling of being selfish, why can I just not love people unconditional. My whole life have I tried to sacrifice my needs for others and ended feeling resentful. And ashamed. Now I can’t even do that anymore. Because I don’t have the energy and I don’t want to. It’s making feel ashamed. My sister is staying with my parents, which I am visiting. I find it hard to be myself around her as she is highly opniniated, so most things I say is always met by judgement. I feel that I always have to watch what I say. And she has her two children here which she expects being cared for by me, most of the time, and I just don’t have the energy. I feel guilty and that I am bad person. Its like my rejection wound is wide open. And I don’t know how to communicate openly with her.

    I don’t feel accepted here, most of the time and I don’t were I live either. But often when I went home I thought at least I have my partner, which accepts me sometimes.

    I feel ashamed that I am not able to love unconditionally. I am thinking that if I did then my partner would have stayed and even changed. I blame myself for not being able to so. I blame myself that I can’t happy all the time with my original family, that I making it about me (in secret).

    I have such a strong feeling that it is my fault. My partner said that he was often giving me the silent treatment because I have unconscious need to be loved. And of course that is true, which I am aware of and I’ve been working with for the last year. I really tried to become more conscious this last year. Stop taking things so personal, if he went away for days without talking to me. I tried to give him space and let him come to me. I got used to that he didn’t message me as much or showed me affection. Our intimacy decreased. I started to be happy without needing his attention or approval. I’m happy that I started to heal. But somewhere deep inside I thought that my work would make him come closer. I heard that someone said that unconditional love can heal someone else. So I tried to open for unconditional love within myself. But here I am now, feeling a lack of love within myself (although I felt much stronger last week, it goes up and down) and feel bad for not being able to love others as they are. My inner child does not feel safe at the moment and I guess she didn’t feel safe with my partner either.

    It made so much sense when you said that I am looking for my unmet needs in him and that I am attached to a image/ fantasy of him. He must have felt this too. I tried to be open about me shortcomings but he never seemed to respond. I wanted to grow and learn about each others attachments or wonded parts. I was so open that I finally even saw my own attachment issue, I wanted him love approve of me. When I saw that I also saw much love beneath that. A person that actually would like to love some with less attachment.

    I guess I was waiting for him to accept and recognise his behaviour, and that we could grow together. So I subtly asked him to change. I that’s probably why he resisted. I wish I could just be a woman that have boundaries and could love him despite all of this.

    I am fearful that he will meet that woman and that he will pretend I never existed. And that I will never meet anyone that could remotely like me, because I am sad and defected. And at the same time I’m so ashame of this, because it’s not fair not wishing someone else happiness.

    I don’t feel strong at all at the moment but I  know I can manage it. I am much stronger then a few years back and I have grown. I’m ashamed that it taken me so many years to realise much of these things.

    I met his mum for lunch before I went home, and she urged me to leave him. That I should be by myself and love myself, and depend on myself. She really loves me and can see herself in me, she wished that she had walked away when she was my age. My partner is not as closed off as his dad though and has spiritual understandinf about life.

    People have said that me, that you need to be strong, insinuating that I’m weak. They’ve said that only if you had stronger boundaries then he would have stayed with you. Then he would have changed. Men loved strong women. But I try to explain that I had boundaries when something happened but I guess I trusted him when he said sorry. I trust words more than actions. And some say that you should just pretend to be happy and not need him. But basically they are telling me to be someone I’m not and actually don’t want to be. I would like someone to respect my boundaries the first time I tell them, someone I don’t need to play games with, and be open and communictive.

    I even thought that if I boosted his confidence then he would have stayed. But I admired his talents, tried to listen to his pain, was happy for him when things went well, and often said that he was atttactive.

    I understand that I need to be by myself now and feel the grief without shame. To practise honouring my feelings and creating boundaries even if it’s uncomfortable. I guess this is all coming up very intensive at the moment because I’m home and that I no longer want to hide behind my defense mechanism of people pleasing.

    Thank you for taking the time to read through and for your response.

     

    Kind wishes,

     

     

    Emma

    #389918
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Emma:

    You are very welcome.  “I have gone home for the holidays, it’s a challenging period… I don’t feel accepted here… My inner child does not feel safe at the moment“- it was challenging the first time around, being at home while growing up, wasn’t it? No wonder it is still challenging. You didn’t feel accepted and safe then, and you don’t feel accepted and safe now.

    My whole life have I tried to sacrifice my needs for others and ended feeling resentful. And ashamed. Now I can’t even do that anymore. Because I don’t have the energy and I don’t want to“- good thing that you don’t want to do what you shouldn’t do. Self-sacrifice should be very limited, otherwise it causes sickness. Doing what makes us sick is the wrong thing to do. You felt resentful about sacrificing your needs because it was the wrong thing for you to do.

    I have this strong feeling of being selfish, why can I just not love people unconditional.  It’s making feel ashamed. My sister is staying with my parents, which I am visiting. I find it hard to be myself around her as she is highly opinionated, so most things I say is always met by judgement…“- Imagine a hungry mountain lion approaching a deer. Will the deer be selfish to run away? Should the deer unconditionally love the mountain lion and stay in place, so that the hungry mountain lion can eat? Should the deer self-sacrifice itself this way?

    Being met by your sister’s judgment doesn’t sound as bad as being met by a mountain lion, but over time, ongoing judgment kills the part of us that finds joy in living, doesn’t it.

    I don’t feel accepted here, most of the time and I don’t where I live either. But often when I went home, I thought at least I have my partner, which accepts me sometimes“-in comparison to home, you felt better where you currently live. Being accepted sometimes is better than never being accepted, is it?

    I blame myself that I can’t happy all the time with my original family, that I am making it about me (in secret)“- back to the deer: should the deer not make it about himself when approached by a mountain lion? Should it instead make it about the mountain lion: stay in place and be eaten?

    My partner said that he was often giving me the silent treatment because I have unconscious need to be loved. And of course, that is true, which I am aware of, and I’ve been working with for the last year“- it is impossible for a human being to not have a need to be loved. All social mammals have the need to be loved: dogs do, that’s why they wag their tails. Humans are not gods. We are primarily animals with some… godly potential, but for as long as we are in human form, we are humans.

    You can’t shed and get rid of your human physical and mental form/ function. You have to accept and honor your need to eat, to sleep, to be sheltered, to be loved, to be respected and to be treated kindly.

    That man you referred to as your partner: he didn’t have a problem to make known his conscious need to have sex with you, did he.  A bit of hypocrisy there?

    I feel ashamed that I am not able to love unconditionally. I am thinking that if I did then my partner would have stayed and even changed. I blame myself… I have such a strong feeling that it is my fault“- if you unconditionally love a dishonest person, a selfish person, an abusive person, you are hurting yourself. Be careful as to whom you love unconditionally. You call him your partner, but I don’t think the term is appropriate: what kind of a partner gives his supposed partner the silent treatment because she has a need to be loved?  And why try to make a man who punishes you this way, stay?

    I heard that someone said that unconditional love can heal someone else. So, I tried to open for unconditional love within myself“- keep loving even when you don’t feel love, by taking care of your legitimate needs, protecting yourself from being used and abused, etc. Make your love express itself in actions that benefit you regardless of what you feel.

    But here I am now, feeling a lack of love within myself (although I felt much stronger last week, it goes up and down)“- this is why I suggested that your love be about actions and not about a feeling: feelings change, going up and down, like you said. So, you shouldn’t expect any particular feeling to always be there, unchanged.

    It made so much sense when you said that I am looking for my unmet needs in him and that I am attached to an image/ fantasy of him… I wanted him love approve of me…  that we could grow together“- but he didn’t want to grow together, that’s why the term partner does not fit him.

    I am sad and defected“- how about sad, but not defected?

    I am much stronger than a few years back and I have grown“- good to read this!

    People have said… that only if you had stronger boundaries then he would have stayed with you. Then he would have changed. Men loved strong women… I would like someone to respect my boundaries the first time I tell them, someone I don’t need to play games with, and be open, and communicate“- people who said all that were wrong: (1) a woman should not stay with a man who does not respect her boundaries, when he knows what her boundaries are, (2) a woman who stays with a man who does not respect her is a weak woman, not a strong woman, (3) lots of men like weak women because they get to do to her whatever they want… and she lets them, and she stays.

    I understand that you are having a difficult, challenging time spending the holidays with your family. Feel free to post here and express yourself whenever you want to. Maybe this can be your sanity sanctuary at this time. I’ll be here.

    anita

     

    #390454
    Elisa
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    Thank you so much, it made so much sense.

    I am still at home, and I find it hard.

    I feel like everything is my fault. And that somehow that I am unlovable. I am angry, and ashamed of being angry. I want to tell people how I feel and be completely honest but what good would that do? It’s hard being at home here. I have so many conflicting feelings. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to be affected by this energy but I am. I grew up with a mum and dad that I’ve never seem kiss or hug. It was a very hostile environment and it always seemed like life was hard work. There was little joy. They talked to us (children) about each other and it was always only blame. It feels the same, still. There is so much passive aggression going on. My mum is in so much pain, which is horrible to see. She never speaks about her feelings, she complains about many things. Especially my dad and the lack of money. She thinks he doesn’t help enough, and she gives comments that are full of blame and aggression. It’s such a tense energy to be around. My dad is quite unaware that he has anything to do with it, he just thinks she is too sensitive.

    It’s been like this for so many years so why do I still care? Why do I feel more awful than ever. I always felt it was my responsibility to make them happy. To solve their problems, to be a good buddhist. A good girl. Just take all the pain and swallow it because that’s what a good girl does. I can see how my mum just placed her happiness in others. And my dad did not take care of her happiness. He is aloof and emotionally disconnected. He hurt me a few times when I’ve been back. He mocked me for how I continually find myself in broken relationships, and how I am not as strong as I think. I feel bad for talking to my mum about it, because taking back the power or becoming empowered is something she has struggled with. It’s like they’ve not seen their own potential and then blame each other for it. I feel bad for writing this down here. I really want to protect them but I don’t have the energy. I do exactly the opposite to what I should be doing. A good buddhist should look at others good qualities and not their faults.

    It’s hard to describe the energy, I wish I had the strength to focus on the good things instead if the bad. I feel run down and hopeless. I know it will change but I find it hard at the moment. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

    My ex partner took contact with me over the phone. He was scared that I had already moved on. I think he was relieved when I said that I was still upset. I talked to him yesterday. He said the things that I’ve been waiting 4 years to hear. That he took accountability for his actions and how he had mistreated me. That he was really upset to have to let go of me because he really loved me and that I deserve much better. He said that he will change now because that’s what he does when he is alone and vulnerable. He makes it sound like he really wanted to be with me but that he has to let me go because I deserve better. After hanging up, I am left with so much anger and sadness and guilt. Why do I keep on doing this to myself? I long to speak to him and wish that he could just want to be with me. Why do I want to be with someone that treats me that way. I don’t know why he needed to talk to me. Just to let me know that he have understood everything but still thinks it’s best if we don’t continue seeing each other. He just kept on saying that I broke up with him, but I said that I didn’t have a choice. I really didn’t have a choice. He could change but only once we broke up. So he didn’t want to change with me. It makes me feel unloved, unlovable. It’s hard to talk to him when he kind because I miss him. That part of him. He said that he didn’t trust me, that once I realised my attachment to him that I would leave. That I was too attached to him, it wasn’t good for me. That I wouldn’t be able to deal with his life. That I am fee spirit and shouldn’t settle. He then said that he had a dream the other night about me moving on and meeting someone else and how hard that was for him. He always seemed so attached, and said that he wouldn’t miss me and now he is showing me quite the opposite.

    I feel like I’ve been the manipulative person in the relationship, I so desperately wanted him to like me. I tried to meet his needs of needing space, being less dependant and emotional. I was jealous, that he wanted to be with someone else. And in reality he did have attraction for another in the house we were sharing, he e expressed it to her and I couldnt help but to become upset. And he blamed me for not being open minded. I started to look at his phone, because I didn’t trust him, and I regret that. He said that he didn’t watch porn as the same time as removing intimare and sex from our relationship. But he did, there was a period where he was doing it everyday and still I couldnt really ask about it as he would have said that I was beeing controlling and not as open minded as I once used to be. I thought I was overreacting, and I tortured myself of the pain of looking at his phone. Maybe I don’t deserve love because I am controlling.

    Maybe it was my fault, maybe I’m the problem. I have very little energy, I don’t want to many things. I find it hard to sleep. I feel judged and ashamed. Broken and alone. Selfish.

    I talked to an amazing woman online, dealing with covert emotional abuse. It really helped talking to her. After I spoke to her, I really felt that it wasn’t my fault. Doesn’t mean I don’t need to heal it’s just that the things I hold myself accountable for was not my fault. The day after I spoke to her I woke up happier than I’ve been in a long time. But slowly I go back to the pattern of feeling unlovade and at fault. There must be something wrong with me that my expartner doesn’t want me. It was free spritiness, my anxious attachment, my naiveness, my trusting heart, my lack of boundaries, I made him feel insecure that I someday would just leave him when I realise that I want something different.

    He didn’t want to connect and work together. We broke up and then he realised everything. That breaks my heart. Because that’s what I asked for in the relationship. It’s like he wouldn’t do that for me, I feel abandonded. Again.

     

    Thank you for reading and trying understand me. I hope I didn’t repeat myself to many times. I find it hard to be clear today with my words.

     

     

    Thank you.

     

     

     

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by Elisa.
    #390467
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Elisa:

    You are welcome. I am sorry that you still suffering at the place that is supposed to be home, as in a good place for you, a place of safety and love.

    I am still at home, and I find it hard…. I grew up with… It feels the same… passive aggression…  so much pain… blame and aggression. It’s such a tense energy to be around… It’s been like this for so many year… I always felt it was my responsibility to make them happy… to be.., a good girl“- home is the same as it always was. It wasn’t a good place for you then; it is not a good place for you now.

    My dad… mocked me for how I continually find myself in broken relationships“- the first broken relationships situation you found yourself in is the home you were born into, through absolutely no fault of your own.

    The man you refer to as your ex-partner, I don’t think that he was ever your partner. He is just a guy that happened to be there:

    My ex-partner took contact with me over the phone. He was scared… he was relieved… He said… He said…“- there is no value to what he says to you other than vocal utterances exiting his mouth and entering your ear. Please free your brain from what he says by letting it out through the other ear.

    Why do I want to be with someone that treats me that way“- hoping that he will change and treat you well.

    Maybe it was my fault, maybe I’m the problem“- meaning the problem is not your mother, not your father, not ex “partner”: they are perfect specimens?

    Slowly I go back to the pattern of feeling unlovable and at fault“- that’s a dominant feeling since childhood, so your brain habitually goes back to it.

    There must be something wrong with me that my ex-partner doesn’t want me“- he is not your ex-partner. He is just a guy.

    anita

    #390502
    Tommy
    Participant

    Just another opinion, please do not take seriously.

    Growing up in the 60’s and 70’s, would always hear people say you have to get your head together. Of course, they would use a more colorful terminology. The point was to know enough about yourself … your needs, your wants, and what your plans are for your future. If the person you are with doesn’t have the same goals then it is time to move on. If that person thinks there is someone better out there for him then he will never be satisfied with you. Time to move on.

    Emotional attachment is like a drug. One feeds upon it at first. And, it feels good. Then, it starts to take its toll on the person’s spirit when that attachment is not met with equal force. Breaking up, Change is not easy. Drug addicts, who are really trying to kick the habit and get better, are told to go to a new place. That is because .. being in the same old environment will only cause one to go back to the same patterns. The same thinking. Bringing back the same old habits. It is time to move forward. Find some like-minded people for support. Move forward.

    My hope, here, is for you to find yourself worthy of all the love you deserve. To shed the past that holds you back. And to grow into the better person you can be. Sorry for my two cents.

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by Tommy.
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