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It’s me again

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  • This topic has 2 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 1 week ago by anita.
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  • #389041
    Elisa
    Participant

    Hi again,

    So I have come here for support a few times over the last few years. I always find that it helps me bring clarity.

    And I am riddled with feeling of failure, that surely I could have realised my unconscious pattern I’ve been playing out for so long, why was it so hard to leave, or should I say, why is it so hard to leave.

    So my partner (still the same relationship I was in over a year ago) has broken up with me a few days over the last year. I always regarded his breakup to come from his avoidant tactic to reject me before I rejected him so when he wanted to come back I accepted it. I’ve been so focused on him all this time and I guess I feel more comfortable doing so. I tried to understand the silents treatment, the contmept, the lack of boundaries, the lack of care and love. Sometimes he would change and display a caring and warm side. Now when I sit here, I am sad that I put myself through all of that, pretending to be a martyr. Thinking that he was the source of my worth and to all cost I needed to stay with him. I would trust his words more than his actions. I understand that my attachment trauma cycle was triggered (anxious attachment), I somehow made him the owner of my happiness despite all the psychological and spiritual teachings I’ve heart.

    I wish that he could understand me, accept and care for me. But I understand that I perhpas met someone that can’t do these things for me and the message was for me to meet thos needs myself. That I, my whole life been running from myself (inner child) Abandoning her by entering relationships with men that will only be able to give me the message the so desperately feel themselves “I am not good enough”. I’ve had an intellectual understanding of this for so long, but I kept avoiding the truth. I thought that somehow he was able to give me what I want, only if I change, then he can accept me. But I realised how can you give something that you don’t have within your own heart.

    Everything is unfolding in front of my eyes and inside of my heart. I am experiencing things in a felt sense and things are unlocking within. I realised that I have been abandonding my own needs and wishes to keep the attachment bond. I feel like I’ve been under a spell. So three weeks back he broke up with me, acting quite mean. I accepted it. I felt empowered. But then after a week he comes into my room (we live in a communal living) and just lies down in my bed and from then on we shared intimacy. I guess intimacy was always a way for me to feel accepted and connected. Or should I rather say, in  a relationship that lack emotional intimacy, sexual intimacy becomes more important.

    I so desperatly wanted to be accepted by this man. All I could think is that when we break up he will just find someone else, although he says that he doesn’t want to. That would prove that I am not worthy, not good enough. I understand that I am not meeting my needs of appreciation and connection myself, and I externalise my needs. I guess I’ve been doing it for so long that it’s a strong habit. Maybe he will change for someone else, it’s just all my fault. I am so needy.

    But that belief has kept me so stuck. Everything was my fault. I am responsible.

    My friend, that knows my partner, wondered why I protect him to all costs when he wouldn’t do the same for you. He says that my partner is so disconnected from his feelings that he comes across fake. And that he highly manipulative.

    Everyone wish that I could just leave. But somehow I am still stuck, in some levels.

    But I am going to break up with him today and implement boundaries. I want to step into my own power and go against this deep seated thought that I am not good enough. Perhaps all this chaos was for me to take my power back. To know that I don’t need to depend on another to be happy. I have never been able to keep boundaries, as they trigger guilt within me.

    But I am starting, not to trust my partner, I wonder who he really is. I understand that he is hurt, wounded and in pain but I somehow made that into an excuse. Of course it can be an understanding. But I excuse his behaviour.

    So he came in whilst I was writing this message. I wanted to share my boundaries, I might said something that made him angry because he became very angry. So we live in this house with other buddhists, we have split the house in two halves. Me and my partner lives in seperate houses, in two different rooms. My partner has a 8 year old and a 4 year old. So most people in this house agrees that my partner should move out, but they don’t speak openly about it. They can see how his behaviour is impacting me. I am letting it impacting me. My family does not stay here but his does. He wants to just continue to pretend that everything is ok and keep living together. But I can’t see how that would work. I still have feelings for him. He keeps saying that he doesn’t have money for it, that he doesn’t want to live with his parents (where he could save up money) or put himself on a list get a house by the council (they would help him with this). So I asked him if he would consider moving out, move to his parents. And he said that I should be the one moving our because I have the money (I have lived here much shorter than he has, and this is a really beautiful place for me to be at this moment in time, healing), I stood my ground. He then said that he could move to the other side of the house (we have two kitchens) but because there is a woman there that he was attracted to (during our relationship) and another cute woman has moved in, I told him that Simon, the landlord and friend, said that he didn’t want him on that side because of those women (I probably shouldn’t have said that, it just came out) I mean it’s true but he probably angered him much more.

    Simon did tell me that he would try to get back to me because he doesn’t want to move out. I don’t know if I am being influenced by Simons view of my partner, but I somehow need to adopt it in order to have boundaries. I feel bad now. He became so angry with him, I’ve not seen him like that. He usually just looks like he can’t be bothered by anyhing I say. I feel guilt, that I’ve done something bad. And I shouldn’t have said that thing about not moving to the other part of the house.

    Was I being to hard on him. I tried to have boundaries before, but he used to just minimise them. I guess that he is scared of moving out. He has a lot of fear. Which I could have been here for him. But I just got so tired of the hot and coldness, his unwillingness to take responsibillity over his beviour. Who have I been together with. I hurts my heart to think about it. Would I have ever got together with him, if I met my own need within myself. I understand that my anxious attachment has sparked his avoidance, of course I do. I should have taken owner ship of that, understand that if he can’t meet my needs then I need to leave. It was just that I didn’t know my needs until I started to explore them the last year with a therapist. Slowly but surely I have woken up to the possibillity that it’s ok to have wishes and needs, it’s ok to feel safe, to enjoy life, love does not mean martyrdom, and you don’t have to suffer in a relationship to prove that you are worthy.

    I am strong, but yet weak. I am sure, but confused. But at least it’s a start. I’ve taken responsibillity for things that it’s not mine.

    I look forward to your response, and appreciate your time taken to read this message.

     

    Love,

     

    Elisa

    #389045
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Elisa:

    I will read and reply to you in about 14 hours from now. If you would like to respond to my last reply to you from November 27, 2020, almost a year ago (on your previous thread Clarity) before I return to your current thread, please do.

    anita

    #389074
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Elisa:

    A little background: in your first thread on May 2016, you shared about your first boyfriend: “he… stalked me, forced me to have intercourse and so on“, and about your boyfriend at the time:  “he is not as ‘bad’ as my ex-boyfriend“- notice that you added quotation marks around bad, as if stalking you and forcing you to have intercourse with him wasn’t … necessarily bad.

    In your second thread on November 2020, you shared about the man you are still in a relationship with, a year after: “I have been in a relationship for 3 years… Throughout the relationship he has given me the silent treatment often…One moment he wanted to marry me and the next he thought I was the source of all his problems. One moment he was in love and then the other he angry… he made plans with me but they never followed through…He came into my room last night after he broke up with me and wanted to share intimacy, I knew that I should have said no, but I don’t want to hurt him”, so you had sex with him.

    Fast forward a year to November 2021, still in regard to the same man: “So three weeks back he broke up with me, acting quite mean…But then after a week he comes into my room (we live in a communal living) and just lies down in my bed and from then on we shared intimacy“- same as in the year before.

    I guess intimacy was always a way for me to feel accepted and connected. Or should I rather say, in a relationship that lack emotional intimacy, sexual intimacy becomes more important….  My friend, that knows my partner, wondered why I protect him to all costs“- I figure that you protected him at all costs, so far, because you’ve been waiting for him to change and accept you, connect to you and become emotionally intimate with you, waiting for him to truly love you.

    But I am going to break up with him today… I understand that he is hurt, wounded and in pain“- you are hurt, you are wounded, you are in pain. Focus on your pain so that you can heal from what is causing you pain. Because he is causing you pain, he is part of your problem, not part of the solution. Don’t protect the problem. Promote the solution.

    He wants to just continue to pretend that everything is ok and keep living together. But I can’t see how that would work“- one of you will have to move out as soon as possible.

    he said that I should be the one moving our because I have the money… this is a really beautiful place for me to be at this moment in time, healing“- it is not a healing place when he is part of the place, and when you are unable to keep him from getting into bed with you.

    Slowly but surely, I have woken up to the possibility that it’s ok to have wishes and needs, it’s ok to feel safe, to enjoy life, love does not mean martyrdom, and you don’t have to suffer in a relationship to prove that you are worthy. I am strong, but yet weak…. I look forward to your response“- congratulations for waking up, and I wish you to wake up not only to the possibility that it’s okay for you to feel safe and enjoy life and true love- but to the reality that you deserve these things!

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by anita.
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