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Elisa

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  • #369940
    Elisa
    Participant

    You don’t think that he may suffer from an anxiety disorder, a mood disorder perhaps- going from one extreme (marry you, very loving) to another extreme (blame you for all his problems, suddenly distant)?

    He has suffered from depression from time to time in life, and I believe that he has whilst I’ve been with him. I imagine that he does repress feelings and justify it with teachings of Buddha, as sometimes his behaviour seem unhealthy. Like someone that doesn’t deal with their emotions.

    It hurts to be blamed for doing wrong by a person who is doing you wrong. This was such an intense emotion. I think I don’t know what healthy behaviour is anymore. It seems that I tell myself that I accept things, but somehow they manifest physically in the body.

    I am the most important person in my life. Counter that old voice with a new voice, every time. This was beautiful thank you.

    I wonder why I need to be the one that adapts to him. If I honestly look at the relationship. It was always about him having the time, the need or the want to see me. It rarely felt like I had any say in it. I understand that he was busy of course but how could I ask for what I wanted or even needed. Why was there a block in me. Or did I tell him, and it was dismissed. Sorry, I’m not making  much sense here.

    I have repeated this pattern for a long time now. Feelings of shame, not good enough and that’s something wrong with me. I understand that these are wounds in me that needs to be healed. I thought I could do it with him. But the more I try to change the more intense his behaviour seem to be. More avoidant and more ignoring. And when he is kind I think, that it wasn’t so bad after all. No relationship is perfect. But I am starting to realise how it is actually affecting me.

    I realised today that I have a need to protect people (out of attachment). I  was responsible for my parents happiness when I was younger. I needed to take their pain away. To protect them. I’ve carried this into my relationship. I see their vulnerability, and I need to heal them. It’s my responsibillity and I won’t leave until I have. I realied that this is not love. It’s a broken little girl thinking that it’s her responsibillity to take others people pain away. Maybe love would be to let go, and let him grow by himself. Because really we only grow by ourselves.

    I am left with the fear of lonliness because it triggers my feeling that there is something wrong with me. There is this empty feelings, that feels like hopelessness and helplessness. I know this feeling very well from childhood. And I want to find ways not to feel this feeling. Perhaps this is the time. I’m ready for it.

    I felt abandoned many times in this relationship and sometimes it put me in deep states of fear. I remember hysterically crying sometimes. And know I finally understand why. I was abandoning myself through letting him doing in to me. And so many times he didn’t say sorry, that he was making excuses. But sometimes he was sincerely sorry.

    I just told myself that this relationship has to work. I am going to make it work not matter what. I will understand him and meet his needs. It hurts that I can’t make it work.

     

     

    #369862
    Elisa
    Participant

    I just wrote a long reply but it didn’t send properly so I will try to remember what I wrote!

    A truly appreciate your insights.

    I will share about my experience about my partner as I don’t think he suffers from a psychological condition. He was raised in a household with two alcoholics and a bullying older brother. His upbringing sounds more about survival than thriving. He then later started taking drugs and became somewhat addicted (at the weekends) and started taking steroids for his appearance. Then he found, in his mid 20s, Buddhism and it transformed his life. He has a healing relationship with his family now. His mum and dad are still together but I wouldn’t say their relationship is a loving or affectionate one. I think they struggle to understand each other. So he is been through a lot, and sometimes I wonder if he has adopted a shame personality, that comes out sometimes. It is almost like he fulfills his own prophecy by acting a certain way that induce shame. Saying “I don’t like the way I am with you”, sounds like he has no control over the way he is. He retreats back into a little child, and before anyone else hurts him he will hurt them. And he feels intense shame. He deals with things very differently from me. The other week whe I came from therapy, I explained that I was going through a few things but that I was ok. He started to explain how he didn’t think therapy works and that I am becoming more sad. He totally ignored me, and just went into a defensive mode about what I am doing is “wrong”. I felt intense shame. But realised that it wasn’t mine. Underneath I felt hurt. Only now do I realised how much shame I have been carrying around.

    I would add that he fulfills the condtions of an avoidant attachment style. Perhaps he is trying to avoid looking a their own feelings and blame it on someone else. Only he would know that. When he speaks he sounds like he got everything together, that he understands a lot. Sometimes it doesn’t add up with reality. It sometimes feels that it knowledge not embodied.

    A month ago, we shared a truly beautiful day, were I felt he was utterly vulnerable with me. We laid down out denses and shared what was on our hearts. He took full responsibillity over the way he has acted in this relationship and he managed to do so by seperating himself from the actions. I guess that’s when I realised that if I ever want to have relationship, I would like to have one were we don’t have to pretend and act from our defenses. Perhpas being vulnerable and allowing ourselves to heal, but maybe that only exists in fairytales. I have a feeling like I am always asking for too much. And perhaps that if only I change just a little bit more then he can become more vulnerable, it feels like it’s my responsibillity. If only I changed.

    100% responsibillity is when one listens to the gut feeling, and trust it. And take the consequences that follows it. Living lightly and being authentic. And accepting were one is at the present moment, without shame or guilt. I have a vision of stepping into my own power. Whenever I wish to do so, the voice comes up, who do you think you are?

    Fear, I think it’s coming from abandonment, rejection and not feeling special. I long for feeling special, I realised that my whole life I have worked for making others feel special, I have pleased everyone that I have met. I realised that it was an refelction of my need/ lack of feeling special. There is also guilt/ shame attached to it. How dare you? I chose a man that has two ex girlfriend and two children, that I rarely can come first. But he has spend a lot of time with me, he says he puts first (although of course he puts his children first). I don’t want to feel like I am taking their dads attention away from them, that would be horrific! I guess that I already feel abandoned in relationship sometimes.

    I retreat to a little child, totally vulnerable and helpless. Being abandoned feels like someone took away your worth and that you are only a half person. Worthless and hopeless. That my happiness is taken away from me and now I can’t be happy anymore.

    I contemplated this the other day, if these relationship fulfilled some form of addiction for me. As they are so up and down. Drama. When he comes towards me I feel ok and when he leaves I feel withrawal. It doesn’t seem to be good for my health.

    Much love.

    #369805
    Elisa
    Participant

    Again, thank you for your insights and your warmth. Also, for sharing about your own path of healing, it’s inspiring.

    Yes you are right, I need to work on my awareness of my emotions. And also, have the courage to start listening and responding accordingly. I find that I want to escape taking 100% responsibillity, and I wonder what stops me. I have this voice in my head “How dare you make any decision like that, who do you think you are?”. I guess I have internalised a voice that thinks I am too emotional and sensitive. I express this is a sing and song writer, and I have never got asked to play in front of my partner, he mostly only shared negative things about my passion for music. I am looking for validation outside myself.

    And not being important is very true. I guess by me taking 100% responsibillity I would show myself that I do matter and that I am important. Perhaps that’s the first step of actually healing. I am worthy of being treated with respect and that I am worthy of love.

    I can see the word confused a lot. I think I was riddeld by confusion for much part of this relationship. I also, take responsibillity over myself being confused too. I am left sometimes confused in our interactions. I guess when I finally went to see the therapist I realised that I can not live in a relationship were I feel confused. I have a loving relation with friends and family which do not leave me feeling confused. As a part of me looks up to my partner, I am hypervigilant in everything he says. Yesterday he told me that I am a complex being and didn’t give me an explanation to what he meant. I think we have a different way of dealing with thinks but sometimes I get the impression that he thinks that his way of dealing with things is the right way.

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts about the relationship and your loving support.

    I have a feeling that when I hear thos words, that I want to defend the relation and say that it’s not bad. I still have this need to soothe and support him. To protect him from the pain.

    Yes of course, it’s a buddhist communion were everyone practise Buddhist psychology. There’s no disabillitites or drugs use here. Hope that makes sense.

     

    Thank you <3

    #369752
    Elisa
    Participant

    Thank you Anita from the depths of my heart. I felt your virtual hug. Such kindness in your words.

    Of course, I don’t think I gave sufficient information at all and it must all sound quite unclear.

    I contemplated a bit later after I wrote this and wondered that he wanted me to commit to spending my future with him but I thought it was such a decision to make when I had time after time, experienced that he didn’t want to be with me. He used to ignore me for days, and be angry and I would feel that I was a problem in his life, a burden. Although I have really started to see that it is an open wound in me that is beginning to heal (which is wonderful!) and that I am now able to put more boundaries than ever before. I felt in order to be good (to be loved) I would need to accept everything. I guess a part of me still feels that way, that I am somehow the issue why he can’t change. It’s beautiful how this relation has really made me see what’s in me that is still wounded. Perhaps I am worthy of love without bending myself out of shape. I that I can give that love for self before anyone else does it. He ignored me this weekend when he was with his little girl, and said that we can spend a nice day on Sunday together, but he I never heard from him until later. It reminded me of times when he made plans with me but they never followed through. I realised the other day that in my life, all I ever wanted to feel was special, but I have chosen partners that somhow made me feel less than special. I also have shame around wishing to feel special.

     

    1. “it turned out that he had 2 children from two previous relationships”- is this something he hid from you, didn’t reveal to you.. has he been involved in his children lives/ financially supporting them?

    He revealed it straight away to me. He is a kind and gentle man in many regards and try to be there for his children. He tries his best to support his children financially. One of them lives 4 hours away so he can only see him every other month. The other lives closer and he sees her 1-3 times a week. He is a good father, really tries to give, at least one of the child, a good supportive upbringing. He thinks that I, for the future, am not that kind of person that wants to settle down and be with his children. I am 33 years old so I am no longer a child, I have never known if I want children, I have mainly focused on my spiritual ways in life and find great fulfillment doing that. I just don’t know. I don’t know if I wanted to settle down with someone elses children either. He is determined never to have more children, although sometimes he has shared that he would like to with me ( I perceived that this time was when he was deeply in love). I totally respect that he doesn’t want more children but somehow I feel that I will need to once again accomodate him but that I can not share this with him. Perhaps I feel that if he was more open to the idea it would have been easier for me to make a decision.

    2. “If I showed too much emotion, he would respond by ignoring me for a week”- can you give me an example or two of incidents when you showed too much emotion, (in what ways did you show too much emotion, ex., crying, yelling?), and in what ways did he ignore you for a week or so? How did it come about that connection was resumed?

    So sometimes if I am overwhelmed I react by crying, I remember once that all in the same day, I lost my flat, I just finished a final end of year project for college, stopped taking birth control pills, and I just ended up crying that day. I think I regress back into a child sometimes and sends signals for him to take my pain away. He just retreats back and left me that night because he thought I was overreacting. We live in a commune together so usually he just stops talking to me and gives me the cold shoulder. We have different rooms so he just spends his time there. Don’t get me wrong, he has also grown and I have seen times when he has been with me. I guess I trigger something inside of him. I can understand this, but I don’t feel that sometimes he tries to understand me, I have experienced a lot of shame for my reaction, which is essentially my trauma. I’m slowly letting shame go now, understanding that it’s not mind. I try to feel the feelings which shame covers.

     

    3.  moment he wanted to marry me and the next he thought I was the source of all his problems”- did he elaborate on his claim that you were the source of all his problems: what problems, how were you responsible for those? Did he make that claim soon after suggesting to marry you?

    Yeah he says sometimes that we should either break up or get married. That he would change if we actually commited to one another. I guess that he has never said that directly, it was more was I was sensing. He has just said that he feels that I am too much of a responsibillity, that he feels that sometimes he has too much responsibillity, that I am just too much for him. I feel from my side, that I never really ask for anything. Perhpas just spending some time together. I guess he feels overwhelmed by life and just wants to hide away. When he is in that state he just wants to cut me out.

    4. “One moment he was in love and then the other he was angry”- can you give an example or two of such incidents?

    So that is span of a week. He would be very loving and I would feel that we were quite a strong couple. Sometimes he would even cook for me, wee signs that he wanted to cherish me and for me to be happy. Then the other half of the week he would suddenly become distant and I would barely be able to talk to him, and if I did (which I normally do) as I have a need to fix things, to ease the pain I’m feeling. It would end up with him saying something hurtful and I would be crying. If I leave him long enough he usually comes back saying sorry. Sometimes his sorry is insincere and sometimes it is from the heart.

    5. “He said today that he wanted to break up with me because I’ve changed”- did he say in what ways he believed that you changed?

    He says that I’ve changed since going to therapy, that I am starting to accept myself more. And of course, that makes me question this relationship and what I would like for the future. The other week he said that he thought that the therapy was a bad idea and now it’s a good idea. I guess that we all have different sides to us. I see his kind side and I fell in love with him. I guess I feel confused when he changes his mind. But I am slowly learning not to listen to him when he is in a triggered state.

    6. “it strengthened my belief that it is something wrong with me”- can you elaborate on this belief you have, that there is something wrong with you: when did this belief originate and in what circumstance?

    I never felt an emotional connection when I grew up. I never knew what do to with my emotions so I guess I learned to supress them. I never really felt seen and heard. My relation with my sister was not helpful, she used to be quite jealous and blame me for things that had nothing to do with me. I guess I internalised the feeling that you are not that important, as noone wants to see or hear you, I am in a real way. I kept on choosing the same path in intimate relations in my adulthood. I just thought this one would be a bit different as we are both practising spiritual teachings. And I still have strong sense that I should be able to make it work.

    He came into my room last night after he broke up with me and wanted to share intimacy, I knew that I should have said no, but I don’t want to hurt him and a part of me still wants to be with him. It happened from a sense of compulsion. I wish I had the strength to just say no and perhaps just hugged him. He sounds so confused. He shared that one hand he wants to be with me and that his gutfeeling says yes. But also that he wants to be by himself.

    It’s been the same patterns for 3 years. I guess I thought he would want to be with me by now.

    I wished that I could have put more boundaries earlier and perhaps given the clear sign of what’s acceptable. Perhaps only then would he have changed. I can’t help to have a part of me that thinks it’s my fault and that I am the problem. That why can I not have the power to tell him what I am worth.

     

    Thank you so much.

    #105011
    Elisa
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes you are so right, I don’t think I cared that much about myself before the threesom during it or after it. I am really trying now though to get back on my feet.

    I have been reading a lot about narcissist, it’s almost like I need an answer to what I’ve been through. I know that my ex boyfriend displayed so my qualities of a narcissist, extremly charming and abusive towards me. Sometimes when I’ve told a person about it they tell me it’s was becuause of his young age. Although this was true, he was young, but so was I – it hurts to minimise the pain I went through to blame it on his age.

    Anyway, when I met my current boyfriend he was far from my first boyfriend. I read about love bombing, I don’t know if this is it but we talked for 3-4 hours every night (during four months) and he never once mentioned a girlfriend. It was a super intense attraction although I could see red flags that I was probably ignoring – I wanted what he could offer. I really did.
    I found myself in his house a few months later and it all fell flat. It’s almost like waking up from a dream.

    It’s just that he is direct mean to me. And like you said Anita – he is not as “bad” as my ex boyfriend. But his behaviour is definetly more confusing. He displays the same grandiosity behaviour and the same “it’s never my fault”.

    Sorry don’t know where I want to go with this. And yeah you are right – I have been starting to see a psychotherapist actually – and she is great. It’s very expensive though so I can only go sometimes here and there. But she takes my pain serious and she is just great.
    ¨
    It’s almost a relieve to hear that it’s ok to feel what I feel and that it’s ok to walk away. See everyone loves this guy and thinks he’s great – so I must be the bad one in it all. And who knows.

    Thank you Anita for your kind answer.

    Elisa

    #104883
    Elisa
    Participant

    Thank you all three for your kind responses and they all make a lot of sense. So thank you the support shown.

    For Nan, yes I have heard the term gaslightning – and I can honestly say that I have never been more confused in my whole life as
    I have in this relationship. I do not have other relationships that bring me this amount of confusion. I have gone through all the excuses
    in the world from ranging to that I do not trust people to it must have been something wrong with my childhood – so the problem always
    lies on me.

    When I explained for my boyfriend what I’ve read – he went hysteric and cried and cried and even trying to throw up several times. It ended up with me feeling sorry for him, although it felt wrong. He said that he was a victim and that he needed someone to talk to that would understand him. So he went to talk to his friends about it but only told them 1/10 of the story – of course they gave him the support he wanted and then he started to feel good again.

    And to Inky, I absolutely understand your point. I would never do the same thing again and I would never have done it if I wasn’t feeling the way I was feeling at the time (which is no excuse). I just really tried to be honest with her and him. I asked if she liked him during this period and that I would be fine with that but then I said that we couldn’t continoue with this.

    It just feels like it wasn’t the first time my friend acted like this. We had been friends for a very long time and throughout this time it’s been constant feelings of hurt from my behalf. She slept with a man I dated for a month. She was never around after my ex boyfriend broke up with me and her excuse was that I left her for him. She never included me in any of her plans although we stayed together. And for example if I wore a new dress she would always say that that dress would look so good on her because she has the right curves.

    I am not trying to act like a victim here – it’s just that I am so confused that I do not know right from wrong.

    I just felt very lonely during that period of my life.

    It all ended over a year ago and he really just had contact with her about art work- I trust him that much. It was just during this period they were sending messages to each other. So it ended then. He was talking really bad about her and he seemed that he wanted the best for me. I do not think he ever wanted to be with her but that he liked the attention and admiration. She on the other hand got infatuated in him, which I completely understand as he is very charming.

    It’s just that the most hurtful thing I read was when we were all at a festival and that I tried to talk to him and he refused to listen – an already hurt me just left and I stayed away for hours. We were there with other people as well. It just felt like I’ve had enough – I couldn’t take it anymore. And then what I read was that they both went and looked for me but that they had given up fast and gone back to the tent where he said that this was really hard and that me and her was opposites and that he loved her. Then they kissed and held hands and she gave him a massage.
    I understand that my behaviour was immature but I couldn’t help it. When I came back I felt really bad, it felt like I was constantly the one that was sad, upset and boring. Deep down I think I just wanted him to care for me. To really care for me. Or even her.

    I just got used to be ignored and treated in a certain way. I’ve had a abusive relationship before, and it was different from this one. At least he did not stalk me, forced me to have intercourse and so on. This was so different. But yet so much more confusing. So many times I have told me that I am destroyed from the last relationship and so has he, numerous times.

    But I did feel there was something wrong – that he did not care – that she did not care. It’s just hard to understand that he was disgusted by her and the whole situation when he acted like he did. And if what I read is true.

    Kind wishes,

    Elisa

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