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Betrayel?

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  • #104819
    Elisa
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    It’s been really lovely to find this site – and it is a great thing to have this forum so people can share their experiences.

    So I don’t know where to start but to make a story short:

    I am not going to go through my whole relationship but we have been together for over 3 years – and I’ve been staying with him.
    After half way in the relationship we both started to have a threesome with my friend (that I have been friends with for over 5 years)
    I think we thought it would be ok and with no clear boundaries – one day it just happened. Alcohol was always involved.

    The thing was the threesomes they were fine – and it lasted for about six months from time to time.

    It’s just that I was the one to constantly set boundaries for my boyfriend: he was messaging her every day on facebook, which I told him I was not comfortable with. Even waking up with him holding her instead of me. He was always including her in all our plans and he was even mentioning all the time that he would build her an extra room in the house. All this made me feel very uneasy and I told him and in some areas he did listen. But he never really wanted to talk neither did my friend.

    You might think that I am really stupid, and I probably was. Back then I felt like i did not care about myself and I think I just wanted to escape real life for a moment.

    The more time went the more confused I got – my friend became really snappu with me and they seemed to enjoy each others company more than mine.

    And in the end I could not bare it anymore so I put an end to it, I just had to.

    We met after this and one night I went up to bed before them because I felt ill. I then woke up in the middle of night to find them in underwear cuddling each other. I got really upset and my friend fell back to sleep and my boyfriend kept on telling me that I overreacted. They day after he was still saying those words until I wanted to leave- then he said sorry. I just tol my friend that I felt hurt and asked her to leave. The same evening she sent me an email saying it was all my fault – everything.

    So this whole incident left me feeling really confused and have been ever since then.

    Just now one and half year later I’ve done a really horrible thing – I was staying with my friend and I was looking for some paper to write and when I took out one book (that did not look like a diary) I’ve seen his name in her dairy. It felt like for the first time I had the chance to know what was going on. And I felt terrible for it, I reallt did.

    It mentioned how they have had sex when I’ve been sleeping. How they have been holding hands and kissing when I wasn’t there. And so on. My friend said it was the best when I did not know about it. And how she should go for him and not including me in picture anymore. Was I surprised – I don’t think so. Did I get an answer to my confusion – yeah I think so.

    It was heartbreaking off course as I only thought it was a fun thing and was always making everyone sure to be honest with each other.
    Maybe it was my fault – really have no idea anymore.

    So i confronted my friend and once again she just went to bed really angry at me and just said everything is true.
    My boyfriend cried and went crazy and said it was all a lie.

    So confusion again.

    I’ve not heard from her since and my boyfriend doesn’t let me speak about it because he says i am hurting him.

    Am I going insane.

    I would never done the threesome if I hadn’t been feeling the way I had. I can’t remember who iniated it.

    My boyfriend said he was discusted by it and found it horrible. Can that really be true.

    All I know was that I had a really strange feeling throuhout it and it never went away and the confusion just grew.
    I felt that it was all my fault for splitting us up.

    Sorry this was a really long messages.

    xx/ Elisa

    #104822
    Nan
    Participant

    HI Elisa88,
    Have you heard of the term “gaslighting”? Check it out.
    It means that even though you see, hear, feel and know something, you are told you are wrong and it aint there, or you are not seeing what you are seeing. It is a way to slowly break you down and make you think you are crazy. You know in your heart what you see and feel. Someone is lying, and you probably know deep in your heart what the story is. What does your intuition ( or gut) say to your mind? The confusion is what they need you to feel and believe that you are wrong.

    #104826
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Elisa:

    This unconventional relationship has proven a failure and you ended confused and unwell.

    If I was you, I would terminate contact with the man and the woman in the situation. Then I would seek psychotherapy with a competent therapist so to get clarity, learn from the experience and move on to a better future.

    Take good care of yourself:

    anita

    #104877
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Elisa,

    This is why three-ways seldom work out with humans. There’s a subconscious understanding that the original couple are The Primaries. Anyone else involved is considered an Optional Add-On. Until they aren’t. Every person on the planet has a depth, a heart and a soul every bit as deep as yours. And are often fraught with desires. Lots of desires that they may not admit to themselves. Until they want what they want when they want it.

    Your Add On can never come in your home again. Now, your BF may still contact her (and they probably WILL have their own relationship going, even if it’s just platonic). If it were me (and everyone on the internet will say this is WRONG) I would go away for a while to clear my head. Then when I come back, I would check his phone and see what REALLY happened after I left. And then leave. But then, you can spare yourself the trouble and leave now. It sounds like he is already attached.

    Never have this type of relationship again. It is rare that all three people you bring into the fold would naturally be made for it.

    Best,

    Inky

    #104883
    Elisa
    Participant

    Thank you all three for your kind responses and they all make a lot of sense. So thank you the support shown.

    For Nan, yes I have heard the term gaslightning – and I can honestly say that I have never been more confused in my whole life as
    I have in this relationship. I do not have other relationships that bring me this amount of confusion. I have gone through all the excuses
    in the world from ranging to that I do not trust people to it must have been something wrong with my childhood – so the problem always
    lies on me.

    When I explained for my boyfriend what I’ve read – he went hysteric and cried and cried and even trying to throw up several times. It ended up with me feeling sorry for him, although it felt wrong. He said that he was a victim and that he needed someone to talk to that would understand him. So he went to talk to his friends about it but only told them 1/10 of the story – of course they gave him the support he wanted and then he started to feel good again.

    And to Inky, I absolutely understand your point. I would never do the same thing again and I would never have done it if I wasn’t feeling the way I was feeling at the time (which is no excuse). I just really tried to be honest with her and him. I asked if she liked him during this period and that I would be fine with that but then I said that we couldn’t continoue with this.

    It just feels like it wasn’t the first time my friend acted like this. We had been friends for a very long time and throughout this time it’s been constant feelings of hurt from my behalf. She slept with a man I dated for a month. She was never around after my ex boyfriend broke up with me and her excuse was that I left her for him. She never included me in any of her plans although we stayed together. And for example if I wore a new dress she would always say that that dress would look so good on her because she has the right curves.

    I am not trying to act like a victim here – it’s just that I am so confused that I do not know right from wrong.

    I just felt very lonely during that period of my life.

    It all ended over a year ago and he really just had contact with her about art work- I trust him that much. It was just during this period they were sending messages to each other. So it ended then. He was talking really bad about her and he seemed that he wanted the best for me. I do not think he ever wanted to be with her but that he liked the attention and admiration. She on the other hand got infatuated in him, which I completely understand as he is very charming.

    It’s just that the most hurtful thing I read was when we were all at a festival and that I tried to talk to him and he refused to listen – an already hurt me just left and I stayed away for hours. We were there with other people as well. It just felt like I’ve had enough – I couldn’t take it anymore. And then what I read was that they both went and looked for me but that they had given up fast and gone back to the tent where he said that this was really hard and that me and her was opposites and that he loved her. Then they kissed and held hands and she gave him a massage.
    I understand that my behaviour was immature but I couldn’t help it. When I came back I felt really bad, it felt like I was constantly the one that was sad, upset and boring. Deep down I think I just wanted him to care for me. To really care for me. Or even her.

    I just got used to be ignored and treated in a certain way. I’ve had a abusive relationship before, and it was different from this one. At least he did not stalk me, forced me to have intercourse and so on. This was so different. But yet so much more confusing. So many times I have told me that I am destroyed from the last relationship and so has he, numerous times.

    But I did feel there was something wrong – that he did not care – that she did not care. It’s just hard to understand that he was disgusted by her and the whole situation when he acted like he did. And if what I read is true.

    Kind wishes,

    Elisa

    #104887
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Elisa:

    In your original post, you wrote: “Back then I felt like i did not care about myself and I think I just wanted to escape real life for a moment.” That was about the time before the threesome. You already didn’t care about yourself. In the last post you mentioned a (troubled?) childhood and a few abusive relationships you had before this one, where you were stalked and forced to have intercourse, I understand (?)

    And so this man, still your boyfriend, correct? This man was not as bad as the previous boyfriends but that doesn’t mean he is a good boyfriend, just … not as bad. We judge by what we know. If you knew love, true love with a previous boyfriend (or with a parent when you were a child), you would have something else to compare this boyfriend with.

    This is why I suggested psychotherapy with a competent, caring therapist or counselor. So that you will see why you didn’t “Care about” yourself to start, what you “wanted to escape”, why you “wanted to escape real life for a moment” when you decided to participate in the threesome arrangement.

    Please post again, if you’d like, in response to my latest reply here or about anything at all.

    anita

    #105011
    Elisa
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes you are so right, I don’t think I cared that much about myself before the threesom during it or after it. I am really trying now though to get back on my feet.

    I have been reading a lot about narcissist, it’s almost like I need an answer to what I’ve been through. I know that my ex boyfriend displayed so my qualities of a narcissist, extremly charming and abusive towards me. Sometimes when I’ve told a person about it they tell me it’s was becuause of his young age. Although this was true, he was young, but so was I – it hurts to minimise the pain I went through to blame it on his age.

    Anyway, when I met my current boyfriend he was far from my first boyfriend. I read about love bombing, I don’t know if this is it but we talked for 3-4 hours every night (during four months) and he never once mentioned a girlfriend. It was a super intense attraction although I could see red flags that I was probably ignoring – I wanted what he could offer. I really did.
    I found myself in his house a few months later and it all fell flat. It’s almost like waking up from a dream.

    It’s just that he is direct mean to me. And like you said Anita – he is not as “bad” as my ex boyfriend. But his behaviour is definetly more confusing. He displays the same grandiosity behaviour and the same “it’s never my fault”.

    Sorry don’t know where I want to go with this. And yeah you are right – I have been starting to see a psychotherapist actually – and she is great. It’s very expensive though so I can only go sometimes here and there. But she takes my pain serious and she is just great.
    ¨
    It’s almost a relieve to hear that it’s ok to feel what I feel and that it’s ok to walk away. See everyone loves this guy and thinks he’s great – so I must be the bad one in it all. And who knows.

    Thank you Anita for your kind answer.

    Elisa

    #105020
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Elisa:

    you are welcome. You wrote that everyone loves your current boyfriend but they don’t know him the way you do, do they?

    If your current boyfriend’s attitude is “it’s never my fault”- then this is enough of a reason for you to exit this relationship and I hope you do. If he established, in his relationship with you, that whatever the problem- it is never his fault, he is clearly suggesting that if you have a problem, it is your fault.

    So the finger of blame is directed at you. On one hand you see reality for what it is and on the other hand you doubt yourself. As long as you doubt yourself about the basic reality of what is going on, you will be confused and unwell.

    Your current boyfriend is encouraging you to doubt yourself and therefore he is harming you, harming your well being.

    In the post before last, you wrote: “When I explained for my boyfriend what I’ve read – he went hysteric and cried and cried and even trying to throw up several times. It ended up with me feeling sorry for him, although it felt wrong. He said that he was a victim..” This is manipulative behavior on his part. He behaves like a victim (hysteric, crying, throwing up) and so he points the finger at you for victimizing him.

    Any time he doesn’t like something you say, no matter how true, he plays the victim, isn’t it so? Points the finger at you and says (not in these words): don’t make me feel bad! You are bad! I am good. Always good! Don’t you see how much I suffer? That means I am a victim and you are victimizing me. So don’t say anything that will make me feel bad…”

    If you agree, then this is a relationship that is damaging you for as long as it is ongoing. You like the therapist simply because she respects you, takes your pain seriously. He doesn’t. Sure hope you end the relationship with him and when you get involved with a man again, choose someone like your therapist, a man who respects you and takes your pain seriously.

    Compare the next boyfriend not to the past boyfriends, but to the therapist.

    anita

    #105294
    El
    Participant

    Elisa,

    In no way is this your fault. Everyone had a part of this, including your boyfriend. I do agree with anita. Someone is lying. I think we all know who is lying and I do think you deep down know too.

    You definitely need to cut your friend out completely. She isn’t trust worthy and she does not care that she is hurting you. Someone so negative and cruel is not worth having in your life.

    As for your boyfriend, I would say if you want to try and see if you can work things out, that is up to you. But he needs to put effort into it
    Meaning he needs to block her completely out of his life and put his best foot forward in trying to work on building a stronger relationship with you. If he does not do that, then you need to break up with him. Most likely his reaction came from extreme guilt. The actions that they both did behind your back are not at all your fault. Honestly, I believe that they are both toxic and you should leave both of them. However, this is your life and you need to be the one to decide what is best for you.

    Good luck to you 🙂

    El

    #105356
    North
    Participant

    This is a very interesting topic to me, and I do not have experience with threesomes, so I am definetly not judging. I do agree with Inky that there are “primarie” in a threesome, and you thought you were a Primary and come to find out, you really weren’t. It is deceitful and hurtful, I bet, nonetheless. They are both lying to you and Betrayal is deadening, I know. Anita suggested therapy, and I recommend that too. You cant change what happened, and maybe never accept it, but you must find a way to move forward in life. Every day you think about it they are robbing a day of happieness from you indirectly. Find a way to get your life back. Please.

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