Dear Girija:

I am glad to read that your mother is still alive, and I hope she is cancer free, is she?

First, I will summarize what you shared in your previous 14-page thread, “Advice for the lost and weary”, March 3, 2019- May 17, 2019, placing your words in boldface. I will use the present tense where I assume things are still the same, or about the same:

At 23, now 26, or close to 26, you live with your mother, father, sister, grandmother and her caretaker. Because of really horrible fights caused by your grandmother, and because of your father’s bipolar disorder, your father has his own bedroom, your grandmother has her own bedroom, and you share a bedroom with your sister and mother.

While the customary Indian arranged marriage took place between your parents, your father’s family hid his bipolar disorder from your mother. She found out about it after you were born, and it upset her greatly. You know your mother to be incredibly unhappy and sad… detached…My mom has complained that her parents never truly cared about her. And I think it is a pattern… No one cares about emotional needs…My mom was never ‘supportive’. She never took our side… My mother always took care of us, besides emotional stuff… I feel like I have been raised more like a farm animal than a human…  They did actually send me to school, and I have a job because of that – but who have I become?“.

I once asked her how she felt when she held me for the first time, she said she does not remember much…  I am thinking love may be fiction or a myth. Is it really possible, that my mother did not feel anything when I was born? If she did not feel love, then – my own mother – what is the point? I am not sure what our relationship really is.

It has left me feeling very lonely at times when I just wanted someone to be by my side when I was down…I think it is just disappointing – to only have yourself. 

How could they do things with no emotions and yet put their whole lives into it, you wrote about your parents.

I was always upset with my mom for how she would always stay a victim or vent the frustration out at us, so I used to throw tantrums and fight with her.

You work full time, your mother wakes you up every day, you leave to work around 7:30am and return home by 5pm. You then eat and hit the bed straight away, spending your time on your phone. Once in a while your mother checks on you, go bath, eat now, etc.

You have never been in a relationship, and you have little to no faith in relationships: I also have seen really turbulent marriages in my family – from domestic abuse to simple indifference and disrespect. All of them arranged. And yet, I have always yearned for a boyfriend who would love me and make me feel like I am enough and that all my flaws would not matter… Reality so far has been that I get rejected for my looks. I have no hope of going on dates and finding love.

I became an engineering graduate and joined a big company as a web developer with the highest package out of all the offers in my college. Yet I…  really struggled a lot, and… I do not know what to do next… I did not get into the best of colleges because I did not believe I could make it and hence did not prepare well. My whole life has been a loop of believing I won’t make it, not putting effort and as a result not making it…I can never take action. Some of the thoughts are –1. It won’t work out 2. I will give up anyways 3. It will not change anything… I don’t know how a person should be when they are “driven” … I am not able to do anything despite knowing that they ought to be done.

When I was really down, even when she did listen and this was the hardest thing ever – she would say: “I already have enough to deal with your father, I can’t put up with you too if you get depressed… When I think back to it, I still get that dreadful feeling in my stomach – with this dread I asked her – “what will we do if dad loses his job” and she said…– “we will just have to kill ourselves“.

My mother has taught me – to not try to change your situation as you may lose what you already have. She was afraid of losing financial support so she never left my father and also afraid of losing reputation – I am the same, I was afraid all this time that it if I leave the team, I may lose what little good I get out of it, and things may be worse outside… I lose hope very quickly…I zone out and go into all the things that could go wrong. I was just thinking about how to move. I opened LinkedIn and found I could apply to jobs in Singapore – that is not the west – but it is still exciting to think I could go there – however I immediately went into how the visa could get rejected…I feel I should not fail so I go over everything that could go wrong.

Being paralyzed by fear and being overwhelmed by stress has been a pattern for a really long time… That is why I am afraid of failure – I could lose what I have… The only exciting thing in my life has been to daydream…. My constant fear is that I am a raging, emotional and unstable person and that I may ruin my life by trying to change things up or choosing a path different from everyone else. I have lot of anxiety about how things could get worse.

I am really starting to see that it is like a factory, and we are all machines… no one at work again cares about what another person is feeling… The way they go about things is – like this machine is not meeting all our standards…It (at the hospital) made me feel like I was interacting with robots. Is this reality? We don’t care and are just here to get by?” … The whole world feels like a washing machine. I need it to stop. I can’t keep up with this. I can’t allow myself to be dragged around like this, feeling powerless, forced to do things I don’t want to do with no way out.

I am a bit concerned that motivation does not work for me… I actually think that part of me died when I was younger – the part that could go after things. I am more a plant than a bird, I am afraid.

Last words on the old thread, May 17, 2019: You believe me leaving my house will change my life, even your earlier post suggested that I was projecting my problems at home onto the world. That is not true. People are difficult for me. I am not able to adjust to the world. 

Fast forward two years, seven months and 19 days, you wrote in your first post since the above words: I don’t think I have anyone. I have my parents, sister, grandmother. But they don’t have me. I need someone to hold me and say it’s ok and reset my brain, so I become normal. Every situation is hard, I feel so out of place. I am just tired. I don’t think I will survive my job. Anything could happen. I don’t have security of any kind, and no one to depend on. Years go by and it’s just me trying to survive. I am at the mercy of other people to define how my day will be, how my life will be. Never feeling enough, competent, happy, respected or loved. I’ve had enough. My life is unbearable. I am in a lot of pain. I want this to stop. I can’t take it anymore.

My words today, Jan 6, 2022: you understand more than many others understand, others who live in your home, at work, and in the bigger traditional, conservative society of South India. What you understand prevents you from feeling anywhere near content in your home, at work, and in the world in which you live.

You have your parents, your sister and your grandmother, but they don’t have you, in other words, they don’t get you. They don’t understand enough to get you. Your loneliness is about not having a meeting-of-the-minds with anyone, not having a mutual understanding with anyone, and therefore, no social support for you.

Your mother really doesn’t know any better. She did not intentionally try to hurt you. She didn’t know how to love and be loved in return, didn’t have that opportunity when she was a child, nor when she got married. And so, when you were born and she held you for the first time, she didn’t get it: she didn’t get that she was holding a magical tiny, inquiring, seeking baby, a baby seeking her love.

Although physically, there were people around you all along, you’ve been experiencing a cognitive and emotional social isolation aka loneliness for many years, because (1) You were treated like a machine/ a robot/ an animal farm (your words), given little to no emotional support, (2) you witnessed aggression at home, a very fearful mother, and rejection at school.

There are studies made on the biological/ chemical effects of social isolation in highly social animals, and they show that social isolation changes the chemistry of the brain and body, causing anxiety, depression, social dysfunction and decreased immunity. No wonder you’ve been suffering from anxiety, depression, lack of motivation, pessimism, sometimes anger, etc.

You are a highly social animal living a life of cognitive-and-emotional social isolation. These are some of your words that indicate your social isolation: “No one cares about emotional needs…My mom was never ‘supportive’… It has left me feeling very lonely at times when I just wanted someone to be by my side when I was down… to only have yourself… I get rejected… no one at work again cares about what another person is feeling… I don’t think I have anyone… I need someone to hold me”.

“They did actually send me to school, and I have a job because of that – but who have I become?” – a socially isolated person, cognitively and emotionally, leading to increased anxiety, depression, pessimism, lack of motivation and the learned helplessness that we discussed before (believing that there is nothing you can do to make a difference).

“I am a bit concerned that motivation does not work for me… I actually think that part of me died when I was younger – the part that could go after things. I am more a plant than a bird, I am afraid” – motivational tapes will not motivate you, real people (able and willing to give you the cognitive and emotional social support that you need), will motivate you!

Think of another highly social animal: a dog. Did you notice how a dog wags its tail when it sees another friendly dog, or a friendly person approaching? The joy in the wagging of the tail is the dog’s motivation, produced by the anticipation of a friendly interaction with another. This joy, a product of the anticipation of a social supportive interaction, will turn you from plant to bird!

“I need someone to hold me and say it’s ok and reset my brain, so I become normal” – ongoing and real- life social support (social interactions that are cognitively and emotionally supportive) will literally change your brain chemistry to normal, as scientific studies suggest.

anita

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