Thank you for the well wishes Anita! I also hope you are doing well

I’ve been doing alright lately. One thing that has been on my mind is how i spend my time. I condensed my schedule to 2 long days/per week instead of working 3 days. This has allowed me to be more efficient with my time and minimize switching between different tasks on work days. This has been a welcome change for me as i have spent way too much of life in service to others at the expense of my own health. However, what i’ve discovered is that i don’t know what to do with myself. I have 3 free weekdays and the weekend also, which i struggled to fill with anything that felt meaningful to me.

in the mornings on my non workdays, i am practicing day trading from about 8-11am. then im free to do whatever i want. My plan was to get into a craft that i could also make money from like restoring furniture, or making skateboards. However, i didn’t feel motivation to do those things. When i thought about how i could spend my time the recurring theme was a question of “is this activity the best use of my talents?” While some other people celebrate my talents and abilities it sometimes feels like a burden to me, because what if i choose the wrong thing and there was some other thing that could have been the thing i was supposed to excel at and devote my energy to. Then i end up feeling overwhelmed which leads me to addictive behaviors or depression and doing nothing at all, except feeling like a failure for not choosing a path.

I realize this is a privileged problem i have, but having this much free time for the first time ever also made me realize how empty my life feels. I don’t feel a part of anything. I have friends but none i feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable with. I spent most of that free time in isolation (the recent covid spike didn’t help either). I guess i’m realizing without being a workaholic I don’t have much to celebrate in my life, i spend alot of time alone trying to figure out “what the hell is wrong with me now?” or when the weather is nicer i’m out skateboarding 3 hours a day so i don’t have to think about my lack of meaningful relationships, or activities. I’m looking for some guidance on how to find the path i was meant to follow, not the one that has been prescribed for me by family, and society.