Hi dear Anita,

I feel like I don’t post here quite often for the last 2-3 months. This is both because I am a bit busy, and also when I have the time, I sometimes pretend myself from coming here since it requires lots of thinking. In my every post, I try to keep it deep since we have a deep conversation here. This happened a few times in the past months, I was feeling okay and coming here would mean that I would read my posts again and feel a bit worse. Maybe I should learn how to keep it simple sometimes, without looking into it pessimistic. I’ll try to keep myself optimistic this time.

I’m sorry about the conditions you had over the Christmas. I hope that you wouldn’t have those conditions again, I am not used to cold weather at all, I’ve grown up in a relatively hot climate and I’m still living in that region. Therefore, in the weathers I feel frozen to the narrow, you wouldn’t feel a thing. Even after those hard conditions, you’re posting here, which means a lot. How can you do that? Maybe we’ve developed a connection, and you are actually answering and helping lots of people which I find amazing and also hard, devoted.

“I wouldn’t say that I’m shy, or insecure to share“

I was thinking what do I do and what I don’t do over these months, actually this was something I should’ve gotten into thinking way before. However, I was distracted with my other stuff so I guess I’ve always postponed this. I am not a shy person, I don’t feel shy. But writing this actually reminds me of my childhood. I was a shy child, growing up, I was not extrovert at all. I’ve got my education till high school at a school where my father was a teacher. This affected me a lot in terms of expressing myself. Not everyone liked me and I was holding the burden of ‘representing my father’ and something I did had the possibility to embarrass him. I don’t know how did this thought had a place in my mind, though. My father might not be responsible from this. After I started high school at a different school, my environment wasn’t THAT successful, since it was a different school full with slightly less successful student which made me sparkle there. I was more confident, even though I felt ugly then. Slowly I started to be myself, act like myself. I was a slightly weird person, and I also started to embrace that in those days. The people liked me because they had fun around me, I was ignoring lots of things at school and focusing on what was funny. However, I still see that shy-affect from my childhood sometimes. Especially when somebody speaks shamelessly about something they don’t know much about. And that makes me think that I don’t feed my ego much, however, I sometimes think that I might have a toxic ego just like my father and sister. I sometimes feel superior to my peers, and that actually creates some kind of a suffering. Since I feel superior intellectually or ethically, I can feel like I deserved better than somebody who is not as intellectual or as ethic regarding behaviors or even thoughts. And when that person has more than I do, then the suffering I mentioned plays role. I actually don’t suffer if we have the same amount of happiness or success, but when that person has more, I feel worthless.

This makes me think that we should keep this thing in balance. If I feed my ego enough, then that example person is feeding his or her ego more than they should be. But if they’re doing it in balance, then I’m not feeding myself enough. But rationally, I think that most of the people I seem to be bothered by feed themselves and their ego more than they should be. Would you agree to that?

Thank you for your nice words, I hope that this new year would bring you more happiness than you’ve ever experienced, I hope that you would have an amazing year and also more and more to come!