It is cold here in the 30’s but i’m still getting outside and running. No snow where im at.

After journaling some today and feeling frustrated again with my lack of progress in feeling good about myself, i realized I don’t exactly know how to feel good about myself without stroking my ego. Thinking about how attached i am to achievements, and concrete numbers for feeling good about myself. Being a therapist is the first job i’ve had where comparison to others, or having a concrete measure of achievement is non-existent and pointless anyway. I often leave work feeling confused as to whether I did anything worthwhile that day. Every other job i’ve had involved some kind of measurable outcome that i relied on to feel as if I did something productive that day.

For me to feel good about being a therapist I have to feel good about myself. My clients might leave the session feeling worse than they came in after looking at themselves for an hour. When i’m feeling good about myself and life i can recognize this as a necessary part of the process of growth and awareness, when i’m not feeling great i just think i did a shit job and suck at everything.

I have a problem of co-dependence. Either i am dependent on the approval of others, or i’m dependent on comparison to others. I really hate that I have this problem and believe it as the root of my anxiety, because i’m not getting approval from others and don’t want to compare myself to other people anymore, i feel I have no way to generate something that feels like love and validation for myself.

The result is i increase all of my addictions to feel “good” which have been pretty bad lately. If only i could change my beliefs about myself to be more loving where i didn’t have to exclusively rely on outside validation, i think i’d live such a more fulfilling life.

Thank you for your time and attention Anita, i Realize i write alot when i post here and i really appreciate you.