Hi David

I want to help you but I have strong opinions on your past experiences that has nothing to do with you, so if that comes across please don’t take it personally and you can choose not to reply at all.

It felt normal until it didn’t. Anyway the relationship ended mostly because I didn’t want to live that lifestyle anymore I thought – This is what you need to revisit. A lot of us are nostalgic about our pasts. You knew in that moment that you didn’t want it. But the nature of that kind of a sexual relationship is that it is intense ( whether you liked it or not ) a normal sex life will naturally seem boring. Ask yourself why you crave that high and is it healthy?

Did you really want that open relationship – or did you have to do it?

The rush you felt was humiliation, your brain has been wired to enjoy that now. Watching your lover with someone else whom you think is better than you and training your brain to take the humiliation as satisfaction is sad. You need to work on getting pleasure from positive emotions and feelings. If you have a habit of watching porn, my suggestion would be stop that. Also, focus on building asexual relationships and looking at women as more than just ways to achieve sexual gratification.

With love and understanding, even normal sex can be amazing. You need to revisit what gives you joy and why. For that to happen, take some time to build a life and personality that makes you happy. A version of you, independent of other people, that you like. This will take time, you can then look into relationships. You seem to just want a partner and that makes it very generic – I want to settle down and have a healthy relationship with a woman, – contrast this with the actual experience of being with a partner for 10 years. What do you think will win out? Define what you want, who you want to be and what you hope to achieve – this will help you find what you really want. Notice, I haven’t asked you to define the kind of woman you want. The focus is on you. A relationship is just a part of your life. And you are only focussing on the sex and that’s ruining it. Can you fill yourself life up with more fulfilling experiences and joy?

Finally you need to make the decision – which lifestyle gives you most happiness and follow that. My hope for you is that you make that decision after building yourself up.