Dear Cat:

You are welcome and thank you for inquiring: I am well. I will be reading the first part of your post, respond to it, then read the next part, respond to that, and so forth. It feels like having a conversation in real-time, when I do this. It will be a long conversation, and by the end of the post I will probably understand something that I didn’t understand at the beginning. I hope that you have the patience to read it in a focused way, if not in one sitting, then maybe in a few.

“At the time I spoke to my friends who are polyamorous, and they said that how Magic behaved was inappropriate and not polyamory” – I agree that his behavior was inappropriate. The label polyamorous doesn’t make it appropriate.

At the time, it was 1 am and he was drinking for a while (“We were all drinking, and he spent a lot of time talking to my housemates. Around 1am..“). When people drink alcohol, inhibitions are lowered… doesn’t make his behavior appropriate either but combining the polyamorous and the alcohol: his behavior wouldn’t have surprised me, if I was in your shoes.

“What Magic did, was that he said that the trip and connection was about us, and then came into my house and then made the situation about someone else… Would you really think that that person was deep, meaningful and sincere?” –

– it’s a tough question to answer because you wrote back in Oct 25, after the event: “We agreed that this trip was going to be about US. We have never discussed what we are with each other” – meaning, the “US” was not identified or detailed: it was vague. Add to that the polyamorous factor and the alcohol factor, and I can’t judge his sincerity that night. But I dislike his behavior nonetheless.

“Polyamory is the ability to build trusting relationships based on communication and trust” – personally, no way I could ever build a trusting romantic relationship with a polyamorous. I find it offensive to have an intimate relationship with a person, knowing that they are okay with having the same intimacy with someone else… the day before, or the day or week after.

“I have spoken to a lot of poly people about this. And sadly, Magic is doing the same thing that a lot of young people are doing these days…. travelling around and having instant connections with people that could lead to something physical. Magic, therefore, should resign himself as single. That way he won’t upset people that he’s already promised to build trust with. Does this make sense?” – absolutely, it makes sense. He is and has been single all along, that is: not in a committed, exclusive relationship with anyone.

“I can see why you are seeking to understand it from his perspective” – I tried to understand it from the perspective of truth, seeing the bigger picture of the reality of it all. It’s easier to do this when one is not personally involved in the situation and therefore not too emotional.

“Through this life I’ve realised the importance of amplifying your voice when it’s needed the most and standing up for yourself when you’re being walked over” – sure, you should stand up for yourself when you are being walked over, but there are times when you feel that you are walked over, but you are not really being walked over.

“I listened to my heart, my passion, my soul and in that moment” – there is a term called emotional reasoning. It means that you believe that something is true just because you feel that it is, and you are not taking into considerations factors that contradict what you feel. For example, in this case, you feel that Magic betrayed an “US” that was never defined. You felt the “US”. (I imagine that you get angry when I expresses a thought that does not agree with what you feel to be true).

“As a woman, we often silence ourselves in moments when we deserved to be treated better and seen… I stayed 100% true to my mind that was telling me – I deserve more” – you do deserve more: you deserve an honest man who will see you and appreciate you and treat you well! I like it that you wrote here that you were true to what your mind was telling you. Try to involve your mind (objective thinking) in your evaluation of romantic interests, not only your heart (feeling, which is very subjective).

“I was in constant torment all week of trying to show him around but at the same time, when I was in his presence, it didn’t feel right. I felt like I was doing myself an injustice. Energy doesn’t lie!” – when I stress the importance of objective thinking (in addition to feeling) when evaluating people and situations, I do not mean that one needs to ignore one’s feelings and suffer unnecessarily: you should have stayed away from him simply because spending time with him was a constant torment!

As far as “Energy doesn’t lie!” – true, it doesn’t lie, it’s just that we have to keep our minds open (aka to think objectively) to the true message behind the energy. What is the energy telling us? When emotionally reasoning, we often get stuck in an incomplete and biased understanding of a situation.

“By the end of the week, my housemates and I welcomed him back into the house. Magic seemed a little manic at this point, and I still felt harmed being around him. I wish I hadn’t let him back in” – I too wish you didn’t let him back in!

“He was lying to his girlfriend about how he felt towards me. Then complaining about his girlfriend to me. Telling me that he wanted to “fix” things between me and him and that I’m his twin flame, and then making it seem my fault when I was upset that he made the trip about someone else” – I am now ready to judge his sincerity as severely lacking!

“It felt horrible being in his presence because everything was about him. It felt like I was avoiding going back to an abusive relationship” – too bad his girlfriend is probably suffering now.

“After that party… On the bus back to mine… (he) whispered, in a really bitter voice: “When you were gone, I wanted to go up to Lucy’s room and talk to her for hours… she’s kind… Not like you…“- oh, so he is insincere and an ass***.

“Magic ended up going to a psychiatric hospital where he had a psychotic breakdown… Magic was taking anti-psychotics… and stopped taking them…  and that it was common for him to get manic to the point of delusions. His girlfriend flew over to see him, and his dad asked me to stay away in case I triggered Magic or made it worse” – the plot thickens. Insincere, an ass**** and very mentally unwell. Too bad. Well, it is definitely a bad idea to continue any kind of contact with him.

“Also – more to catch up on. ALOT has happened in December, I’ll write all after I’ve seen your reply to this” – looking forward to being caught up!

anita