Anita,

Thanks for checking on me. Unfortunately i did not attend the group, or anything else i was invited to last weekend. My feeling of “I don’t belong” got in the way and led to me declining to hangout with friends on 2 occasions and attend the group. My roommate was out of town so it was just me and the dog. I did alot of reflecting on my relationship with fear and shame.

I find it interesting that this relationship to fear and shame has progressed and regressed at different points in my life. I think alot of it has to do with a lack of commitment to sit with and care for my own uncomfortable emotions, Which is made much worse by addictions(weed, porn, alcohol) fueling the shame creating a cycle of avoidance of self-love/care.

I even find it hard to reply here in a timely manner because of this avoidance/neglect of my emotional states. I really appreciate that you are responsive and attentive to me, as i need those role-models in my life to understand how to internalize that same responsiveness to myself.

I have made some progress this week with it. I try my best to just let go of making mistakes. This internal battle as i see it is one of imagination. It is hard for me to imagine being lovable, despite sometimes being awkward and misspeaking. It is hard for me to imagine anyone wanting to be there for me when i’m struggling. It is hard for me to imagine being able to improve myself without shame. However, i must begin to open my imagination to the possibility i can be loved by myself and others. My life depends on it.

I ran into a friend of mine at the bar this weekend, whom this summer i convinced to start therapy after I listened to them tell me their life story in detail. This friend’s older brother committed suicide about 10 years ago, and i learned this weekend that their younger brother two weeks ago also committed suicide. It broke my heart to hear this, and reinforced the idea that i must take care of this problem i have now. I’ve promised myself to never go as far as suicide because of the wake of pain it leaves for the living, but in other ways i engage in a slow process of destroying the vibrant inner life within me for the sake of some false sense of safety. There is a wealth of love, creativity, and joy within me that i don’t to tap into often enough, and need to start living in. I dont want to leave behind a legacy of sorrow and misery.