Dear Ken:

I need to correct you: I am not a professional. I am a member like you, only that I’ve been very active here every day for the last 6.5 years, communicating with many people and learning. Let’s see what I can learn from your post. Maybe I can pass on to you what I learned here through the years on the topic you brought up. The way I will be responding to your post is reading it part by part and responding, without first reading the entire post.

“At first, I was falling so hard in love, almost obsessive like” – an emotional overreaction, on your part. I am guessing that you were lacking love when you met him, similar to a person lacking food and being very hungry. When you met him and he loved you, it was like a very hungry person being offered food and overeating it.

“The second month… my feelings for him have subsided” – an emotional correction: what goes up must come down; what goes up a lot (an overreaction), must come down a lot.

Following the 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th months of the relationship, you ended the 7-months relationship today.

Your reason: “ever since the last week of January I just lost the feeling that I use to have for him“. You lost “the feeling” about 3 weeks ago.

You “still love and care for him“, but you “don’t feel it anymore“- what is the nature of “this feeling“/ of “it“, that is different from loving and caring for him, I wonder.

“He is an amazing man. He treated me so well and he loved me, he chose to stay with me even in my darkest times… I miss him so much already and it hasn’t even been a day… He is my ideal man, ever since from a young age I’ve always wanted a man like him, to be loved by a man like him” –

– I think that the nature of “this feeling” that you lost for him 3 weeks ago (and now it’s back) is the strong desire to love and be loved in return. I am guessing that growing up, at an early age and onward, your strong love for any one of your parents, or both, was not returned, either you were neglected or mistreated. And the hurt from that experience, scared “this feeling” away.

I am guessing that while in the relationship with him you were afraid that he will stop loving you, or that maybe he really didn’t really love you, so you prepared yourself by losing the feeling. After breaking up with him, you felt safer, so the feeling is back.

“Every time I called him, every time he texted me, every time we facetimed, all I could feel was pain about how I felt like I was living a lie and how I was lying to myself and to him in order to stay with him. I also knew that what I was doing was hurting him and that hurt me even more. I started to hate myself” – your fear scared away the feeling and you felt guilty for not feeling it. It reminds me how for many years I believed that I did not love my mother. I felt lots of anger at her and believed that I hated her.  I felt very guilty and hated myself for not being a loving daughter. I pretended to love her and felt that I was living a lie, and that disturbed me a lot.

Fast forward, looking back, I realized that I loved her all along, it’s just that the love was pushed down under the anger.

“He kept asking what he did wrong and there is NOTHING that he did wrong. He did everything right. It was just me; I fell back, I’m confused” – like I suggested, I am guessing that a parent or parents did you wrong and you fell back to that earlier life experience, expecting your boyfriend to do to you what a parent did to you.

“I’m scared that if I go back to him, I’d just repeat this thing and it would become a whole cycle” – if I understand correctly, then yes, if you go back to him, it is likely that the same will repeat and that it will therefore be the wrong thing to do… unless you take on the difficult path of healing from your earlier life/ childhood emotional injuries.

“My father constantly physically and sexually abused, psychologically manipulated, and cheated on my mother. From a very young age I’ve witness this thinking as far back as maybe 3 years old. They got a divorce, and I was forced to stay with my father since he would not let my mother take me. Living with my father was horrible. He was a very bad man… I don’t know if this is a factor of why I did what I did or why I felt like how I felt“-

– didn’t read this part until after my last paragraph to you. There is no doubt in my mind that this is a factor, a huge factor in what happened with your boyfriend. If you’d like to share about your current life circumstances- are you living still with your older brother, is your mother part of your life, are you in high school, etc., please do)

anita

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