I love him but I'm suddenly not "in love"

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    This is my story. I was madly in love with my boyfriend of six months. We’d speak everyday and got on so well. Sexually things are fantastic. I felt so in love and I felt like I was falling more and more in love with him everyday. Everything seemed perfect. We communicated well if there ever was an issue. We were and essentially are best friends as well as two people in love. He went away for a month and we spoke everyday and I thought about him all the time.

    Then one evening I suddenly just thought “I’m not in love with him anymore.” That was nearly 7 weeks ago now and the feeling still hasn’t come back. I’ve cried everyday and feel so depressed about the fact. I don’t want anyone else. He’s the most amazing person and so good for me. The day before I felt that way I’d even daydreamed about being engaged to the guy.

    I’ve fell out of love before but that was for genuine reasons. Breakups, not getting on, not actually being in love in the first place, etc. There’s no reasons here and I’m heartbroken. And the fact it’s happened so suddenly too.

    Another odd thing has been happening too. I’ve been meeting lots of new people as I’m on an exchange and I’ve been feeling vague butterflies for them. Nothing to how I felt for my boyfriend, not even anything close to what I usually feel for people I crush on. I don’t want anything with them but I avoid them anyway because the guilt is enough.

    I don’t believe anyone else could be so good for me. I really want to keep trying because I really feel that we’re worth it but I’m so scared. I don’t want to be living a lie. And I live in fear of accidentally falling for someone else. I don’t get it,because this is the person I want yet the “in love” feelings seem to be being blocked. Sometimes I feel like I can’t properly remember him and I only saw him less than three weeks ago.

    It has been suggested to me that this is the end of the honeymoon period and that the infatuation has worn off but it seems a little early and also a little severe. Feelings for me have usually worn off over time or I’ve fallen for someone else. This literally went from one minute being deeply in love and the next minute not.

    It has also been suggested to me that I’m depressed. Well, this is certainly the case now and maybe it was before and I didn’t realise so much. I have had a rather deadend summer in a terrible job and this September I started at a university on the other side of the world. He had sort of been my shining beacon in all of this, but I’ve been depressed before and it certainly didn’t seem that severe until I lost feelings for him. People are saying to me to get happy first and maybe things will fall into place but I’m generally scared that I’ll get happy again and my feelings for him won’t be the same. And this makes me so angry because it makes me think that it will nitpick away at me for years because without this low we may have been happy for a very long time together.

    I just don’t know what to do! I don’t want to move on but I also don’t want to live a lie. I want clear thoughts back in my head rather than all these jumbled ones. But most of all I just want to go back to being madly in love with this wonderful boy. I feel that if I acted on the feelings I have now I’d be making the biggest regret of my life. It’s like my body and mind want to put my relationship on hold and come back to it later but I know that’s just not realistic. And I don’t want to hurt him. And I don’t want to hurt myself. And I’m so confused. I want it back so much.

    I’m sad and I’m angry with my own mind. I was so happy until this one moment. I’m so very confused.

    Any advice would be so so helpful?


    I’m 57 and the definition of “love” has changed for me over the years.
    I look back at my younger years with amusement really.
    My younger self became infatuated with a girl/woman who became my wife.
    Love now is less giddy, less addicted to thrills and spills of a whirlwind romance. We don’t get insecure if we are apart. We have full trust in each other that our feelings won’t change from now on. It’s a relief to get over that insecure stage of “am I good enough for her?” Our love has depth and breadth, I believe. We are soulmates.
    So don’t panic. if he is the one, he is the one. It will happen naturally either way. No need to force the issue. Excitement is a drug like adrenalin. It took me a while to learn that. I mean that you need to feel excitement in order to feel love. You don’t. Love is more than a feeling and more than logic or even magic. Love is sometimes not pretty. It can be hard work. But it is worth the effort.


    Dear Jaz:

    The going from being in love one moment to not at all, as you stated, it seems severe, and in so being, it is scary. The WHY it happened and what is happening I am guessing is in your first attachment, to your mother or your father. You suffered some attachment-injury, your trust in your first attachment figure (mother? father?) was broken and you were injured. Now you are suspicious of attachment. This is my guess: do you want to examine it? Tell me more…?



    Sounds like your emotional needs have or are changing . Make a list of what your needs are right now .

    Sometimes we project onto others what we’re feeling or seeking in ourselves.


    Hi Jaz,

    Don’t underestimate chemistry and hormonal flux!! Feelings are just that ~ feelings. I love my DH, but the giddy butterfly “Will he won’t he” feelings have long since gone. But he is my rock and I am his. I’ll take that solid as a rock feeling over butterflies any day. That falling in love feeling is there to bring two likely people together. Well, now you’re together! Now it’s time for your love ~ real love ~ to expand and grow deeper.

    Good Luck,




    If anyone on this thread is still using this website or has some advice could you please get in touch. I am going through the exact same thing jaz and would love to hear from you.


    * Dear jaffacakes: why don’t you start your own thread with your story, your thoughts and feelings? Click FORUMS above, choose a CATEGORY (RELATIONSHIPS ?), click it, scroll down the page and post there.

    Nina Sakura

    Dear jaz

    In very plain terms, the honeymoon phase of the relationship is over. Sparks are there at the start. Then there is a vaccum and the farting phase starts after that. What this means is, it’s no longer crazy but it’s more stable, calm kind of love – getting ready for the long haul. The part where you decide is whether you want to stay or not and the flaws become more visible.

    Having crushes here and there is okay as long as you choose to remain faithful to your partner both emotionally and physically. The day you cross that line, things are indeed over. As the other posters pointed out, it’s about establishing trust and stability for a long term commitment. Learnt this the hard way thanks to the last failed relationship.

    Forget the fireworks. They are great for Katy Perry songs but those only go on for 5 minutes. If this is the one, it’s going to be boring and hard at times and sometimes plain annoying to put up with this person over the years. But there is just something about this person and the feeling of wanting to stay because you “want” to, not because you “need” to.

    Close your eyes and just think that you will never call him again, see his message again or even meet him again, hear his voice in your head and feel it vanish. Imagine it. You will know. This is something none of our advice’s can tell you.

    I suggest you also work on the depression issues – often that has a spill over effect in relationships too.



    I’ve had a similar experience with the relationship to Love as Jock noted.

    Relationships, what’s love got to do with it? Everything and nothing???
    – Love must be present but does not mean a physical/material/worldly relationship should be maintained.
    – Love is “all there is” and so always present even when you don’t feel the thrill of being in love or when love requires a relationship to end.

    So confusing

    The movie ‘La La Land’ address the issue of love and its role in Relationship and our expectations of it. (Spoiler alert)

    ‘La La Land’ is a movie which touches on the feel of the old time Hollywood musical where the expectation is for a happy every after Hollywood ending. The couple can achieve their life’s purpose/calling/dream and remain together happy ever after.

    As an audience that’s what we want, and we get to see that the possibility was present, perhaps even only requiring moment’s choice of the taking of a different road, or a kiss instead of walking past…

    But the movie doesn’t end that way. The love remains – bitter sweet – but the relationship is not meant to be. LOVE it seemed needed both Sebastian and Mia to become more then it needed them to be together. Perhaps even, the relationship push pull and ending was part of the process for them to achieve their callings.

    Maybe that’s not helpful but I believe it to be true maybe only because it has been my experience. The woman I loved woke up one day and stopped loving me even though she still loved me. The relationship was over. I have never been so hurt… Knowing, or was it accepting, that LOVE pushes for growth, pushes for life and becoming even at a cost of a personal relationship did not make it hurt any less. In hindsight I can see that the pain of the breakup for both us pushed us forward into a more mature inner relationship to a relationship with life and love. Still bitter-sweet.

    The same week I saw the movie ‘Collateral Beatty” where a man grieving the loss of his daughter writes letters to Death, Time and Love. Though the sadness and loss is different it’s also the same as that in La La land…  (so appropriate ‘La La Land’ when it comes to our expectations of Love)

    Sorry I’m meandering.

    Anyway after that movie I thought to myself that I would have written the angry letters to Life and Love and wondered what that said about me… Its not Death I’m angry at but Life… Maybe it doesn’t matter as Life and Death exist in each other, require each other… one might say they are married to each other and that together are LOVE.

    Still not helpful.

    Maybe when it comes to the experience of Love and Being in love, reason, philosophy, psychology, theology… don’t matter in the end… maybe all we can do is experience it and doing so hope to become.


    HelllIve been going through the same thing jaz is describing here. One day i woke up not feeling in love with my boyfriend of six months anymore. Im suffering because i don’t want to leave him, but i don’t want to live a lie either. I think my problem has something to do with attachment injury. Can anyone help?

    I’m sorry for any mistakes but english is not my first language.


    If anyone on this thread still visiting this website, please give me some advice since I am also experiencing the same thing as Jaz.

    I and my boyfriend are going out for 10 months now, and it was three months ago since I’ve experienced “not feeling in love anymore.” (But I still get jealous and concerned about him but the sparks is not there anymore, and the feeling of guilt and pain suddenly replaced it.)

    I was also told that maybe the honeymoon stage has ended already and the sparks have subsided. I was also advised to tell this to my man so we can solve this problem together, which I also did. The first week I’ve experienced it was HELL. I did not have any idea what was happening to me. I cried and cried because I felt guilt, sadness, and nervousness. After that hell week, I decided to communicate the problem to him and we agreed to give me some space to figure it all out. He hugged me and wiped the tears falling as I was so confused.

    I thought that I  am okay already after 2 days and so I came back to him. I tried to deny in myself that the situation is not real, which I think was not a very good way to cope with this problem. After 2 days of getting back together, I asked again for space which, with all his heart, he gave. Since then, I decided to force myself to fight the pain I’m feeling. What is so confusing is that, I know that I still love him but I keep feeling that something’s not right. I thought that this will be easy if only I still feel the sparks and the feeling of being in love. I am confused because I have never been in this kind of situation before. I dont know what to do.

    After like 1 month, I asked again for space. It lasted for almost a week since I promised to myself that I’m gonna figure this out for our betterment. Up to now, even though we are together again, I still experience what Jaz described. I do not want to lose him so I am loving him by choice. It is pretty hard but I am always reminding myself not to give up because he’s worth it. But I also fear that one day I’ll realize and simply accept that the stars were not aligned for us. But whenever I think of this, the feeling of pain and confusion strikes back, even stronger, as if pushing me to make a decision to leave. I know I love him, deep inside. I know that love is a choice more than a feeling and so I am deciding to love him everyday. He is the best guy I’ve ever met and I do not want to lose him.

    It’s just that the feeling of pain and confusion sometimes become unbearable and I wonder when this suffering will end and when will I harvest the rewards of this hardships. I believe I have not fallen out of love since this happened so suddenly(and I was unaware) and so I am still fighting for love.

    Please give me some advice. I will appreciate it! 🙂


    I am experiencing the same as what Jaz described here. Please give me some advice.


    Please give me some advice. Please. I badly need it 🙁 Thanks!


    I badly need help. Please.


    Dear Micky:

    To understand better, I ask: do you expect an “in love” feeling to always be there, permanently? Do you expect to always feel in love with any one man? Or do you understand that this feeling, like any other, comes and goes, depending on how tired you are, what worries you at any one time, and so on?

    Regarding the “feeling of pain and confusion sometimes become unbearable… this suffering”- can you elaborate about it? What thoughts accompany this pain and confusion?




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