Dear Jaz:

The going from being in love one moment to not at all, as you stated, it seems severe, and in so being, it is scary. The WHY it happened and what is happening I am guessing is in your first attachment, to your mother or your father. You suffered some attachment-injury, your trust in your first attachment figure (mother? father?) was broken and you were injured. Now you are suspicious of attachment. This is my guess: do you want to examine it? Tell me more…?

anita

Hi Jaz,

Don’t underestimate chemistry and hormonal flux!! Feelings are just that ~ feelings. I love my DH, but the giddy butterfly “Will he won’t he” feelings have long since gone. But he is my rock and I am his. I’ll take that solid as a rock feeling over butterflies any day. That falling in love feeling is there to bring two likely people together. Well, now you’re together! Now it’s time for your love ~ real love ~ to expand and grow deeper.

Good Luck,

Inky

* Dear jaffacakes: why don’t you start your own thread with your story, your thoughts and feelings? Click FORUMS above, choose a CATEGORY (RELATIONSHIPS ?), click it, scroll down the page and post there.
anita

I’ve had a similar experience with the relationship to Love as Jock noted.

Relationships, what’s love got to do with it? Everything and nothing???
– Love must be present but does not mean a physical/material/worldly relationship should be maintained.
– Love is “all there is” and so always present even when you don’t feel the thrill of being in love or when love requires a relationship to end.

So confusing

The movie ‘La La Land’ address the issue of love and its role in Relationship and our expectations of it. (Spoiler alert)

‘La La Land’ is a movie which touches on the feel of the old time Hollywood musical where the expectation is for a happy every after Hollywood ending. The couple can achieve their life’s purpose/calling/dream and remain together happy ever after.

As an audience that’s what we want, and we get to see that the possibility was present, perhaps even only requiring moment’s choice of the taking of a different road, or a kiss instead of walking past…

But the movie doesn’t end that way. The love remains – bitter sweet – but the relationship is not meant to be. LOVE it seemed needed both Sebastian and Mia to become more then it needed them to be together. Perhaps even, the relationship push pull and ending was part of the process for them to achieve their callings.

Maybe that’s not helpful but I believe it to be true maybe only because it has been my experience. The woman I loved woke up one day and stopped loving me even though she still loved me. The relationship was over. I have never been so hurt… Knowing, or was it accepting, that LOVE pushes for growth, pushes for life and becoming even at a cost of a personal relationship did not make it hurt any less. In hindsight I can see that the pain of the breakup for both us pushed us forward into a more mature inner relationship to a relationship with life and love. Still bitter-sweet.

The same week I saw the movie ‘Collateral Beatty” where a man grieving the loss of his daughter writes letters to Death, Time and Love. Though the sadness and loss is different it’s also the same as that in La La land…  (so appropriate ‘La La Land’ when it comes to our expectations of Love)

Sorry I’m meandering.

Anyway after that movie I thought to myself that I would have written the angry letters to Life and Love and wondered what that said about me… Its not Death I’m angry at but Life… Maybe it doesn’t matter as Life and Death exist in each other, require each other… one might say they are married to each other and that together are LOVE.

Still not helpful.

Maybe when it comes to the experience of Love and Being in love, reason, philosophy, psychology, theology… don’t matter in the end… maybe all we can do is experience it and doing so hope to become.

If anyone on this thread still visiting this website, please give me some advice since I am also experiencing the same thing as Jaz.

I and my boyfriend are going out for 10 months now, and it was three months ago since I’ve experienced “not feeling in love anymore.” (But I still get jealous and concerned about him but the sparks is not there anymore, and the feeling of guilt and pain suddenly replaced it.)

I was also told that maybe the honeymoon stage has ended already and the sparks have subsided. I was also advised to tell this to my man so we can solve this problem together, which I also did. The first week I’ve experienced it was HELL. I did not have any idea what was happening to me. I cried and cried because I felt guilt, sadness, and nervousness. After that hell week, I decided to communicate the problem to him and we agreed to give me some space to figure it all out. He hugged me and wiped the tears falling as I was so confused.

I thought that I  am okay already after 2 days and so I came back to him. I tried to deny in myself that the situation is not real, which I think was not a very good way to cope with this problem. After 2 days of getting back together, I asked again for space which, with all his heart, he gave. Since then, I decided to force myself to fight the pain I’m feeling. What is so confusing is that, I know that I still love him but I keep feeling that something’s not right. I thought that this will be easy if only I still feel the sparks and the feeling of being in love. I am confused because I have never been in this kind of situation before. I dont know what to do.

After like 1 month, I asked again for space. It lasted for almost a week since I promised to myself that I’m gonna figure this out for our betterment. Up to now, even though we are together again, I still experience what Jaz described. I do not want to lose him so I am loving him by choice. It is pretty hard but I am always reminding myself not to give up because he’s worth it. But I also fear that one day I’ll realize and simply accept that the stars were not aligned for us. But whenever I think of this, the feeling of pain and confusion strikes back, even stronger, as if pushing me to make a decision to leave. I know I love him, deep inside. I know that love is a choice more than a feeling and so I am deciding to love him everyday. He is the best guy I’ve ever met and I do not want to lose him.

It’s just that the feeling of pain and confusion sometimes become unbearable and I wonder when this suffering will end and when will I harvest the rewards of this hardships. I believe I have not fallen out of love since this happened so suddenly(and I was unaware) and so I am still fighting for love.

Please give me some advice. I will appreciate it! 🙂

Please give me some advice. Please. I badly need it 🙁 Thanks!

Dear Micky:

To understand better, I ask: do you expect an “in love” feeling to always be there, permanently? Do you expect to always feel in love with any one man? Or do you understand that this feeling, like any other, comes and goes, depending on how tired you are, what worries you at any one time, and so on?

Regarding the “feeling of pain and confusion sometimes become unbearable… this suffering”- can you elaborate about it? What thoughts accompany this pain and confusion?

anita