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I love him but I'm suddenly not "in love"

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  • #399046
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tobi:

    So, I just give up? Move on without making things clear with her?” – you already made yourself as clear as can be to her. She is not interested in having contact with you, so yes, please move on.

    I didn’t understand your most recent post, “I just think this is a very cruel way to treat people“, would you like to explain what you mean by this sentence?

    anita

    #399047
    Tobi
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I wish she had had a decent talk with me. I mean I need closure.

    I know she has problems. So do I.

    But putting more stress on your partner is just wrong. During our relationship, she said ‘love’ so many times. She even wrote me a letter on Valentines day saying that I was the best thing ever happened to her.

    I don’t know what went wrong.

    I talked to a friend who was in toxic relationships, she told me that it is possible that this girl is used to the toxicity. Now being in an actual serious relationship makes her feel uncomfortable and anxious so she chose to leave.

    Could that be the case?

    I am somehow having a horrible emotional cocktail in my heart and I don’t know how to escape. I wanna cry but I can’t force myself to shed tears.

    I was not a perfect boyfriend but I definitely gave her all of me. That’s why it hurts.

    #399048
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tobi:

    I will be back to you in about 10 hours from now. For now, calm yourself best you can. Try to think beyond the woman you didn’t know anything about before January this year. You had a whole life before you met her. only three or four months ago, so your life now cannot possibly be all about her.

    anita

    #399049
    Tobi
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your help

    Looking forward to hearing from you soon

    #399063
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tobi:

    I mean I need closure. I know she has problems. So do I” – the only closure that is available to you is addressing your own individual problems.

    If by some miracle, she contacted you and met you and said all the things you wish her to say, you would feel wonderful, I imagine, euphoric, happy… but that would not last long because she cannot solve your individual emotional problems any more than you can solve hers.

    But putting more stress on your partner is just wrong. During our relationship, she said ‘love’ so many times. She even wrote me a letter on Valentine’s Day saying that I was the best thing ever happened to her” – reads like she experienced a change of mind and heart. Earlier- she felt love for you, later- she no longer did. For your own sake, you need to accept this change.

    Like I suggested to you before, this relationship was very short, only 3 months while at the beginning of it, she was still in a relationship with another person. Three months in this circumstance is too short of a time to refer to her as a partner… too soon.

    I don’t know what went wrong” – one of the things that went wrong is that you rushed it: she told you that she was not ready for a relationship right from the beginning, but you…  rushed it.

    Here are a few online quotes about rushing things:  “Slow down. Rushing means you miss what’s right here”, “It is more important to go slow and gain the lessons you need along the journey then to rush the process and arrive at your destination empty”,

    “While you’ll feel compelled to charge forward it’s often a gentle step back that will reveal to you where you and what you truly seek”, “There are some things that are just not worth rushing, especially something that you wish would last forever”-

    – putting these quotes together: you rushed and didn’t pay attention to what was happening, you didn’t learn/ gain lessons along the way, you arrived at your destination empty, you didn’t get what you truly sought, and love lasted only a tiny fraction of forever.

    I talked to a friend who was in toxic relationships, she told me that it is possible that this girl is used to the toxicity… Could that be the case?” – it could be one of the reasons for what went wrong, but only one reason. One of the other reasons is that you rushed the relationship.

    I am somehow having a horrible emotional cocktail in my heart, and I don’t know how to escape. I wanna cry but I can’t force myself to shed tears” – two days ago, you asked me: “Do I need professional medical help?“, and I answered that I thought it was a good idea. Did you look into seeing a medical doctor and/ or a psychotherapist, like I suggested?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 5 days ago by anita.
    #399078
    Tobi
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I haven’t reached out for professional help yet. I realized that the problem lies within me, I was too emotional invested. However, I don’t and won’t ever regret giving her all of me.

    I am sure that our relationship will certainly end up breaking. I’m not sad about that. I’m still worried about her well-being.

    Last night, I came to see her to tell her how I felt. Instead, I met her mom. That girl was too tired to see me (according to her mom)

    Her mom told me that her daughter has been stressed lately. She always says how tiring her job and her studying are.

    She always seems exhausted (according to her mom). Her mom told me she once saw her daughter crying in her bedroom.

    Her mom told me a lot but it seems that her daughter didn’t tell her everything she had told me. Now I know why I love her so much. She always chooses her family over anything any day. Her love is just beautiful.

    When we were still together, she told me how stressed she was to the degree that she started to cry whenever she worked.

    She definitely saw my messages but she ghosted me. I don’t feel rejected as much as I used to anymore. I foresee the future breakup.

    It’s strange that I only imagine how happy I am to see her happy when we meet again. (I plan to see her one last time after she has taken the CFA test in August.)

    I am getting myself ready for the breakup. I won’t be very sad but I will be much happier to see her doing well when that time comes.

    I really do need to start working on myself now in case I have a chance with her so that I’ll be able to love her the best I can.

    I made a mistake rushing it but what we had was wonderful 🙂

    Thank you for your help, Anita. It really helps me a lot even though sometimes it hurt to read the truth that I tried to deny.

    Best regards,

     

    #399080
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tobi:

    I will reply a bit more in the morning (in about 10 hours from now), but for this Thursday evening (Friday morning your time), I say: I am glad to be reading from a sane, sensible Tobi!

    anita

    #399088
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tobi:

    When I replied to you last night, I wasn’t very focused and did not read your whole post. I was encouraged by the part of your post where you wrote that you were indeed too emotionally invested and that you are accepting that the relationship is coming to an end.

    This morning, I am reading your post thoroughly and I am concerned about you having gone to this young woman’s home, talking to her mother: “Last night, I came to see her to tell her how I felt. Instead, I met her mom. That girl was too tired to see me (according to her mom)“.

    Three days ago, on April 26, you wrote: “her sister somehow won’t talk to me. I think my GF may have told her sister to stop responding to me“, and “idk if trying to care for her makes me a stalker or causes her discomfort“. On the same day, you shared that your hands were trembling, that you couldn’t sleep at nights, that your emotions were changing abruptly (“I cannot control my emotions the way I want… my heart automatically stops beating“), and you asked me if you need professional help.

    Still, on the same day, you resigned from your job, “I’m too stressed to work efficiently“. The day later, on April 27, you wrote: “The last time we met in person, she just kept silence. I couldn’t force her to talk against her will because that would have hurt her more“. On that same day, I ended my reply to you recommending that you seek the professional help of a medical doctor and/ or a psychotherapist, and I added:

    “I think that it is very important that you don’t behave in any way that could be viewed as that of a stalker. Do not initiate any contact with her whatsoever, not directly and not indirectly”.

    Yesterday, you shared that the night before, you went to this woman’s home for the purpose of talking with her. Her mother told you that her daughter is too tired to talk to you and she talked to you instead.

    Back to what you wrote three days ago: “idk if trying to care for her makes me a stalker or causes her discomfort” – you are the one who brought up the possibility that you are a stalker.

    join one love. org/ inside the mind of a stalker (I will italicize and boldface the parts that definitely apply to you according to what you shared): “In many cases, stalking begins at the end of a relationship… motivating factors that drive some people to stalk…  include: (1) Rejection: … it comes as a critical blow… (2) Obsession: Stalkers are often obsessive in multiple areas of their life including their romantic inclinations. They usually have repetitive thought patterns that play like a broken record, so they gradually become so preoccupied with their target, they’re unable to sleep, forget to eat, and let their jobs go to the wayside. (3) Fantasy: Stalkers blur the lines between fact and fiction…  they’ll invent details in their head about a romantic relationship that doesn’t exist… (4) Narcissism: Stalkers are unable to recognize or respect the feelings or boundaries of others. They also lack healthy coping skills to deal with rejection”.

    Psychology today/ in the mind of a stalker: “The relentless neurotic nature of the stalker can take the form of harassing their targets, calling them repeatedly, as well as sending letters and giftsStalkers as a group, have an impressive capacity to rationalize, minimize and excuse their behaviors… professionals should focus… on the stalkers…  as vulnerable, distressed individuals whose behaviors reflect, at least in part, the influence of a serious underlying mental disorder. The most important step in the management of stalkers is to see them as individuals in need of psychological help”.

    Wikipedia on stalking: “People characterized as stalkers may be accused of having a mistaken belief that another person loves them (erotomania), or that they need rescuing. Stalking can consist of an accumulation of a series of actions which, by themselves, can be legal, such as calling on the phone, sending gifts, or sending emails… Stalking is a form of mental assault, in which the perpetrator repeatedly, unwantedly, and disruptively breaks into the life-world of the victim, with whom they have no relationship (or no longer have). Moreover, the separated acts that make up the intrusion cannot by themselves cause the mental abuse, but do taken together (cumulative effect)”.

    My closing thought: please seek professional help as soon as possible!!!

    anita

     

    #399093
    Tobi
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I was not stalking her to be honest. I was trying to get closure

    However, my friend who happens to be her ex told me to move on. And the strange thing is that he barely recognized his ex-gf based on what I said.
    So I thought it was the best that I moved on.
    I now blocked her on all social medias and deleted her number as well.
    I am actually fine. I had an appointment with a psychological doctor today.
    He said I should be fine as long as I don’t continue thinking about this relationship.
    To be honest, this is the first time I have experienced this so I was desperate to know why she did what she did (ghosted me).
    But now I moved on (thanks to her ex)

     

    Best regards,

    Tobi

    #399098
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tobi:

    It is my hope that you will no longer try to contact her, her sister, her mother or any one of her family and friends.

    I find it strange that a psychologist told you today that you “should be fine as long as (you) don’t continue thinking about this relationship” – a psychologist should be familiar with the phenomenon of obsessive thinking and how for those obsessed, it is very, very difficult to stop thinking about the topic of their obsession.

    If you find yourself obsessing about her again, please see a mental health professional who is familiar with the topic of obsessive thinking: there are therapies available and psychiatric medications if needed. Also, there are online sources in regard to managing anxiety and obsessing thinking, as well as self-help books: a quick google led me to a book titled “Stop Obsessing“, and another, “Take control of your life“, which is about “tackling the fear of change, rejection, and being alone”, it reads.

    anita

    #399104
    Tobi
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for helping me out.
    It was a hard decision to remove her out of my life.
    I think that she either has personal trait problems or was negatively affected by what she went through. Therefore, I don’t actually blame her for what she has done to me.
    At least during our short-term relationship, she was very nice to me.
    The funny thing is that when I mentioned the two toxic exes, her ex laughed though he claimed he had never heard of them. He’s still a good friend of hers now.
    Probably she made up those exes. Yet, I am still wondering if a person can be such committed to their lies. How she talked about them was so real .

    Best regards,

    #399106
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tobi:

    Only six days ago, you wrote about her: “she’s really thoughtful and honest” (April 23) and now, she is a liar (“Probably she made up those exes“), a post-break up change in your evaluation of her.

    You are welcome and I want to further encourage you to no longer contact her, her family and friends. I don’t think that it is a good idea for you and her friend (the ex you mentioned) to be in contact further and to gossip about her. Please remember how very nice she was to you (“she was very nice to me“) and wish her well as you let her go and make your life better and better.

    anita

     

    #399107
    Tobi
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    thank you for your advice

    It’s just that my thoughts are affected by many parties. I keep wondering.
    Best regards,

    #399110
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tobi:

    On this issue, regarding this woman,  it’s time to wonder less and less. Let go of the thoughts about her, relax, turn your attention away from her. Don’t hurt her, she did nothing wrong to you, she has no debt to you.

    anita

Viewing 14 posts - 151 through 164 (of 164 total)

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