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I love him but I'm suddenly not "in love"

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  • This topic has 162 replies, 36 voices, and was last updated 3 weeks ago by anita.
Viewing 15 posts - 136 through 150 (of 164 total)
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  • #398805
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tobi:

    You are very welcome. You clarified that her father did not wire the money to the 2nd boyfriend, and you suggested that her father may not have known about it at all. Her mother gave her the money to give to the boyfriend, “not for CFA for starters” – but earlier you wrote: “This amount of money was originally saved for her CFA test”, so I don’t understand (?)

    You explained that you are a city dweller, but she was not, being that her family lived in a small town in Vietnam. Her father wanted her to attend a school located in the city, which required that she would have a city address, so he asked a favor from a city dweller to use that person’s address as his daughter’s.

    She would take care of me when I had an accident. She came to my house and took care of me. She always cared about me” – what kind of an accident did you have, if I may ask? How many times and in what ways did she take care of you?

    I refer to us as BF & GF because I believe deep down, she’s going through a lot, and she doesn’t want to drag me down with herI have read articles on why someone tends to push their loved ones away and my GF’s condition is among those why-s” – she pushed you away primarily because it made her life easier, it lowered her stress level somehow. Maybe she felt guilty for dragging you down with her and pushed you away so to no longer feel guilty.

    Maybe she was too stressed about the CFA exam and recent events and did want the added stress of being in a relationship with you. What do you think?

    anita

    #398906
    Tobi
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I love how detailed your analysis is. Allow me to be clearer:

    1. Regarding the money, originally, her parents (however I think it was just her mom) gave her the money for investment. But that 2nd guy lost the money as he made a reckless decision. Later when her dad retired and she knew her family’s financial state was no longer the same as before (while her dad was still working), she decided to use her own savings for the CFA to compensate for the lost money and give it back to her parents.
    2. So there are 2 sums of money: 1) the money that she was given for investment.   2) her own saving money (meant for the CFA) that she used to make up for the loss. They’re equal in quantity. When we still talked to each other, she told me that she had talked about the loss & compensation to her mom. She didn’t mention her dad. I suppose she hid this from her dad.
    3. One more detail, when her dad’s company dissolved, he was sad and used alcohol as a relief (my GF told me this). When I tried to convince her to see me in front of her door to make sure she was okay, she refused because she didn’t wanna face her dad and have an argument. It was a late night at the time I tried to talk her into meeting me.
    4. You explained that you are a city dweller, but she was not, being that her family lived in a small town in Vietnam. Her father wanted her to attend a school located in the city, which required that she would have a city address, so he asked a favor from a city dweller to use that person’s address as his daughter’s.

      -> Not the person’s daughter, but rather a family member. We used to have that small booklet for information about people who lived at a certain address so that person did a favor by adding my GF’s name to his home address (city home) booklet

    5. I had a minor motorbike accident and I tried to hide it from her. But when she found out, she insisted on taking care of me by taking a look at my wound and making sure I didn’t have any infection (I had treated the wound after I got home but she wanted to check by herself)
    6. A lot of times, she wanted to order food to my home after I came back from work. She was worried that I may have been hungry. She was genuine and nice so I wanted to love her as much and as long as possible. In addition, she bought me gifts, too, even though I had told her she should not get me gifts.
    7. she pushed you away primarily because it made her life easier, it lowered her stress level somehow. Maybe she felt guilty for dragging you down with her and pushed you away so to no longer feel guilty.Maybe she was too stressed about the CFA exam and recent events and did want the added stress of being in a relationship with you. What do you think?

    • Do you mean ” and did NOT want the added stress of being in a relationship with you.”?
    • She did tell me that she didn’t want me to be stuck with her. But even in her worst, I still wanna be there for her.
    • Perhaps, she was too stressed about the CFA and recent events…. that’s why I can’t be mad at her for breaking my heart. From the beginning of this relationship, she told me that she needed time to heal from her 2 toxic exes. However, we took the shortcut straight to being in a relationship as a couple.
    • There was one time we were together (we were already in a relationship). She asked me if I was in a relationship with her because I felt pity for her (owing to all the bad things she had gone through in life), and then she cried. I told her I wanted a relationship with her because I really loved her (I still do love her now). At that time, she told me that her heart was tired and she didn’t wanna be hurt anymore. I calmed her down and told her things were gonna be okay.
    • She would ask me about all the sweet things I said to her and all the sweet acts/ gestures that I did for her. She wanted to be sure that all those things came out of love, not pity. The asking started soon after we’d decided to be in a relationship. Later on, it stopped and I think that she really trusted me with the fact that I really really loved her (I still love her very much now).
    • Now I realized that I once did the very same thing that she just did to me. I broke my exes’ hearts because I still had feelings for another ex of mine who went back to the US. I knew that getting back together with that American ex is never gonna happen as she refuses to be in a long-distance relationship. I totally get that as being in a long-distance relationship can be very frustrating.
    • I could have tried harder to move on and be with my exes. I knew they would have brought me happiness had I decided to stay and try. Yet I chose the easy way out and left them for fear of dealing with my emotions and ration. My problem was nothing compared to my GF’. She’s been through a lot.

    Thank you, Anita.

    Here’s my email address in case you wanna communicate faster and more easily: tobi.nguyenn@gmail.com

    I feel like I can learn a lot from you and I have realized a lot only after reading your replies.

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 3 days ago by Tobi. Reason: I want to make things clearer by adding more details
    #398909
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tobi:

    I read your first item and I am glad to say that I understand now. I need to be away from the computer for a few hours, will read the rest and reply when I am back.

    anita

    #398927
    Tobi
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes. I totally understand that we have our own things to do.

    Thank you for spending time talking to me. I really appreciate that

    Thank You & Best Regards,

    #398936
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tobi:

    Correction, I meant: “Maybe she was too stressed about the CFA exam and recent events and did not want the added stress of being in a relationship with you”.

    “There was one time we were together (we were already in a relationship). She asked me if I was in a relationship with her because I felt pity for her (owing to all the bad things she had gone through in life), and then she cried. I told her I wanted a relationship with her because I really loved her (I still do love her now). At that time, she told me that her heart was tired, and she didn’t wanna be hurt anymore. I calmed her down and told her things were gonna be okay” –

    -this description makes me feel empathy for her, and it gives me a view of an honest, intimate emotional exchange between the two of you.

    “She would ask me about all the sweet things I said to her and all the sweet acts/ gestures that I did for her. She wanted to be sure that all those things came out of love, not pity. The asking started soon after we’d decided to be in a relationship. Later on, it stopped, and I think that she really trusted me with the fact that I really really loved her (I still love her very much now)” –

    – you asked me three days ago: “Should I once a week get her gifts to remind her I’m still around for her? I won’t contact her directly. I’ll just ask her sister to help me deliver” -maybe you should, with a message saying that you love her and respect her and think highly of her.

    Regarding email, I prefer to communicate here, on tiny buddha. I will re-read your recent post (and anything you may add to it) tomorrow morning, which is in about 12 hours from now, and will reply further.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 3 days ago by anita.
    #398939
    Tobi
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your reply. However,

    1. I don’t know if I can send her gifts as her sister somehow won’t talk to me. I think my GF may have told her sister to stop responding to me.
    2. She seems ok. The last time I talked to her sister, her sister told me that my GF seemed ok. She still goes to yoga class with her sister.
    3. idk if trying to care for her makes me a stalker or causes her discomfort. It hurts to know that I’m only 15min away from her but I cannot see her
    4. She has recently changed her photos on social apps. I think that’s a positive sign of being happy. I am happy she’s happy but hurt at the same time.

    Thank you, Anita

    #398940
    Tobi
    Participant

    Plus I have been lately experiencing:

    1. trembling hands (maybe I’m too stressed and emotionally depressed)
    2. insomnia (I have used sleeping pills for 2 days now)
    3. abrupt emotional shift (I can be sad and then feel empty inside my heart a second later). I cannot control my emotions the way I want.
    4. at times, I feel like my heart automatically stops beating (perhaps to slow down my racing heart to reduce anxiety)

    Do I need professional medical help?

    Thank You & Best Regards,

    #398941
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tobi:

    I am so sorry to read about your trembling hands, insomnia, abrupt emotional shifts and racing heart! I definitely recommend quality professional help. It seems like this short-term relationship disturbed you enough to require professional help.

    her sister somehow won’t talk to me. I think my GF may have told her sister to stop responding to me” – this is news to me. I am sorry, Tobi. It seems like not contacting her is the right thing for you to do.

    Try to calm down best you can and keep yourself calm. I just checked, it’s right after 10 am, Wednesday in Vietnam. Are you working right now?

    anita

    #398945
    Tobi
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes, I am at work.

    I am just sad because we were supposed to talk things out. That’s how a relationship works

    But she just left me confused about whether I did her wrong like her exes did.

    I wanna help her coz I love her so much.

     

    #398946
    Tobi
    Participant

    I just filed my resignation. I’m too stressed to work efficiently,

    IDK how long it’ll take for me to feel okay again. I need to be okay as quickly as possible

     

    #398947
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tobi:

    Filled your resignation, meaning you are now unemployed?

    “we were supposed to talk things out. That’s how a relationship works” – it’s been only 3 months of a relationship, what’s going on, Tobi?

    I will be turning off the computer, and be back in about 9-10 hours from now.

    anita

    #398948
    Tobi
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I’ll take some time off for a while. I have arranged a job interview with another firm.

    I should be okay.

    “we were supposed to talk things out. That’s how a relationship works” – it’s been only 3 months of a relationship, what’s going on, Tobi?”

    I know it has been less than 3 months of relationship.However, Idk why I invested too much this time.

    I’m not ready for this to be honest. The last time we met in person, she just kept silence. I couldn’t force her to talk against her will because that would have hurt her more.

    #398952
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tobi:

    I re-read all your posts. Here is my today’s analysis:

    1) Very soon after you met your now ex-girlfriend, you expressed to her how you felt about her. She asserted herself, saying that “she needed time and space to heal” and asked you “to wait for her to recover and heal from her past toxic relationships” before considering a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. You agreed, but shortly after, feeling overwhelmed with “a strong love for her” you ignored her assertion and request, and your own agreement to it and asked her to be your girlfriend. Her response: she said Yes.

    Why did she say Yes, ignoring her previous assertion? Perhaps because “She likes helping people in need and sometimes, I think she puts their needs above her… the type of shy person, and she sometimes doesn’t fight back for her own benefit. Since she was once dominated by her toxic exes, she tended to do things for them against her will” – perhaps her Yes was about helping you to feel good, putting your need above hers, going against her will. You didn’t force her to go against her will, but you ignored her assertion, and she is the type of shy person who doesn’t fight back when her assertion is ignored. Your expressed, strong need that she will be your girlfriend… dominated her.

    Her sister told me that she has been ok ever since our break… I don’t know if I can send her gifts as her sister somehow won’t talk to me. I think my GF may have told her sister to stop responding to me” – this is congruent with her being shy and unassertive, too timid to talk to you personally, she preferred (at least for a while) that her sister talks to you instead.

    She told me SHE HAD NO LOVE FEELINGS FOR ME… I tried to talk to her, but she didn’t wanna talk. I tried to buy her food and her favorite apple juice, but she was not happy to receive them… The last time we met in person, she just kept silence” – all this suggests to me that she was not and is not interested in a relationship with you.

    she told me SHE STILL LOVED ME BUT HAD NO FEELINGS OF LOVE ANYMORE” – being shy and timid, she was perhaps afraid to hurt you, and that you will hurt her back, so she tried to soften the blow: saying that she still loved you softens the blow of having no feelings of love for you.

    She asked me if I COULD WAIT FOR HER” – context is important: if she asked this at a time when you were expressing significant emotional pain over ending the relationship (figuratively, she could see your heart bleeding), asking you if you could wait for her could have been a first- aid measure (figuratively, placing a bandage over your bleeding heart, so to stop the bleeding as quickly as possible; whatever it took to stop the bleeding was the right thing to do at that moment).

    On April 23, you asked me: “Should I once a week get her gifts to remind her I’m still around for her? I won’t contact her directly. I’ll just ask her sister to help me deliver“. Three days later, on April 26, I suggested that maybe you should, and you wrote: “I don’t know if I can send her gifts as her sister somehow won’t talk to me. I think my GF may have told her sister to stop responding to me“. This means, in my mind, that there has been a recent development, one that indicates that indeed, she is not interested in a relationship with you.

    I remember telling her that if she somehow wants nothing to do with me (regardless of the cause), just tell me straight and I won’t bother her anymore. She has never replied to that – perhaps she is too timid, too unassertive… too uncomfortable to tell you straight that she wants nothing to do with you. For some people it is too scary to do straight talking in the face of conflict.

    She said ‘I don’t know how long it will take me to be Ok again‘ and ‘You don’t have to wait for me. I don’t want you to be stuck here with me” – when a timid, unassertive person who wants to break up with a boyfriend says this, it is a way to convince the boyfriend to break up with her, so that she doesn’t have to break up with him: please don’t wait for me, please don’t be with me, it will take too long for me to be okay, you shouldn’t wait, etc.

    2) “My dad used to be abusive towards my mom… The only thing I remember about my parents’ breakup is that I would defend my mom when my dad tried to abuse her, which includes times that I had to fight him for physically abusing my mom“. Your empathy, your compassion was for your mother, that’s why you defended her.

    This young woman, your now ex-girlfriend, has shown motherly characteristics and had motherly interactions with you: “She is a family person. She worried about everyone’s well-being… The best GF I have ever had… I had a minor motorbike accident and I tried to hide it from her. But when she found out, she insisted on taking care of me by taking a look at my wound and making sure I didn’t have any infection…A lot of times, she wanted to order food to my home after I came back from work. She was worried that I may have been hungry“.

    In addition, this young woman had a history of two toxic relationships, one last year, and the second was ongoing when you met her. it is not far-fetched to imagine that she personally reminded you of your mother, unlike any girlfriend before her, and that your great empathy for your mother transferred to this young woman:

    She was in a bad and mentally abusive relationship when we met” – your mother was in a bad mentally abusive relationship when you grew up, “I was worried for her safety (I didn’t know why)“, just like you were worried about your mother’s safety when she was physically abused by your father,  “I started to spend time comforting her and making her smile“, you comforted your mother too, trying to make her smile, didn’t you? “I would do anything to make her feel like a queen, make it up for her losses in the past toxic relationships. She was my priority… I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make her feel whole“- growing up, you were willing to do whatever it took to make your mother feel like a queen, to make it up for her losses in her toxic marriage to your father… your mother was your priority, wasn’t she? “I am again thinking too much about my girlfriend’s well-being” – just like you thought too much about your mother’s well-being? “I have never actually fought for love before” – not for the love of a previous girlfriend, but you did fight mightily because of your love for your mother. You fought your father physically because you loved your mother so much.

    I am now devastated and cannot think clearly. My life has turned upside down… My mind is a mess… I don’t know why it hurts so bad… I have been lately experiencing trembling hands… insomnia… sad and then feel empty inside my heart a second later… at times, I feel like my heart automatically stops beating…  IDK how long it’ll take for me to feel okay again. I need to be okay as quickly as possible… I know it has been less than 3 months of relationship. However, Idk why I invested too much this time” – It is my understanding that you invested so much because she reminded you of your mother and just as you invested so much in your relationship with your mother, you invested so much in your relationship with this young woman. Your strong emotional and physical reactions in regard to this young woman indicate, to me, that as a child, you experienced  a lot of hurt and angst, which were awakened in the context of this very short-term romantic relationship.

    idk if trying to care for her makes me a stalker or causes her discomfort” – I think that it is very important that you don’t behave in any way that could be viewed as that of a stalker. Do not initiate any contact with her whatsoever, not directly and not indirectly.

    You asked me yesterday: “Do I need professional medical help?“- yes, the help of a medical doctor and/ or of a competent, empathetic psychotherapist who will help you lessen the hurt and calm the angst you experienced growing up, and since then.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 2 days ago by anita.
    #399008
    Tobi
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    So I just give up? Move on without making things clear with her?

    #399009
    Tobi
    Participant

    I just think this is a very cruel way to treat people.

Viewing 15 posts - 136 through 150 (of 164 total)

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