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I love him but I'm suddenly not "in love"

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  • #398683
    Tobi
    Participant

    If she didn’t want anything to do with me anymore, she wouldn’t have asked me if I could wait for her, would she?

    My mind is a mess rn. Although we were together since January, 2022 and just decided to take a break 2 weeks ago, I feel like this relationship is worth fighting for and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make her feel whole again regardless of the possibility that her future guy isn’t me. I have never actually fought for love before.

    I don’t know why it hurts so bad.

    #398726
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, hope?

    * Dear Tobi:

    I read your two posts. You started communicating with a woman on Tinder in January this year, only three months ago, and you quickly fell in love with her.  When you met her on Tinder, she was in the process of ending a toxic relationship. Two weeks ago, she told you that she still loved you, but “HAD NO FEELINGS OF LOVE ANYMORE”, and asked you if you “COULD WAIT FOR HER”.

    I read what you shared about her childhood, about her two relationships preceding you, and about the circumstances in her life at the time she told you that she had no loving feelings for you.

    I love this person very much and I have never had this kind of love for anyone before…  I am now devastated and cannot think clearly. My life has turned upside down” – too soon, is what comes to my mind. Three months is too soon to be so emotionally invested in her.

    I wanna take her to visit a therapist or psychologist so that she can actually has her problems/ traumas solved. Even if we may not be together in the future, I still want all the best things for my gf” – what’s best for her at this time is to focus on her studies for her CFA course exam, an exam scheduled for this August, as well as on her job as a data analyzer. Because she already rejected your suggestion that she sees a therapist, and because she is likely to think of it at this time as something that will take away from her focus on her career and the upcoming exam, I think that it’s not a good idea for you to suggest it again, not before August.

    “I don’t mind waiting for this girl as I know she’s worth fighting for… I wanna give her time and space but at the same time, I wanna see her… What do I do now?” –

    – because she “can spend hours on studying”, working and studying for many hours per day, she needs to take stress-free breaks. She gets her stress-free breaks, seems to me, by going to social media and having easy, superficial or light-hearted interactions there. When she was stressed about her previous toxic relationship, she went to Tinder, where she met you. Currently, “she has been active on social media, too. I saw her commented on her friends’ post on Facebook”.

    I don’t think that spending time with you would be stress-free for her because of the existing difficulty, depth and conflict in the relationship (conflict: you have strong loving feelings for her; she has no loving feelings for you).

    Could this (stress/ depression) come back after a period of time or when something that reminds you of your undesirable past pops up?… And could this play a part in my girlfriend’s circumstance?” – yes, it could, but I don’t see what you could possibly do about it: she rejected your psychotherapy suggestion, she is not likely to change her mind about it while being focused on her studies, and she is likely to seek easy, superficial or light interactions with others (social media), so to get stress-free breaks from her studies (and from other stressors).

    If she didn’t want anything to do with me anymore, she wouldn’t have asked me if I could wait for her, would she?” – I hope so. I hope that she did not ask you to wait for her just because she didn’t want the hassle of breaking up with a guy who is emotionally deeply invested in her… sort of postponing the final breakup for later, after the exam, perhaps.

    I feel like this relationship is worth fighting for and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make her feel whole again regardless of the possibility that her future guy isn’t me. I have never actually fought for love before. I don’t know why it hurts so bad” – your love for her is precious. It indicates to me that you are a good, loving person. But you can’t make her feel whole, no one can. Think about this: can you make yourself feel whole today? Can you make yourself not hurt today? I hope you can, but if you can’t, how can you possibly make her feel whole?

    anita

    #398728
    Tobi
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your reply. She and I plan to study together in Australia next year. But I am not sure if I can be in Australia for some reason and she’s aware of the possibility. She told me that let’s give us a chance when we are already in Australia. Does that mean she wants to try this relationship again?

    I remember her mom told her to find a nice, loving man as her father used to be harsh to her mom. My dad used to be abusive towards my mom, too. But I don’t see how that affects me (just in my case). Could her past (her father used to be harsh to her mom) affect her feelings at some point in the relationship?

    Do you suggest any way to help my gf out?

     

    Thank you Anita

    #398729
    Tobi
    Participant

    Should I try to calm down and try to love myself more before I start to love someone else?

    Should I once a week get her gifts to remind her I’m still around for her? I won’t contact her directly. I’ll just ask her sister to help me deliver.

    Thinking about breaking up with someone special sucks. I haven’t been able to think freely these days.

    She told me that she broke up with her first bf who was her longest relationship ever because he felt like she didn’t have time for him as she was busy studying and working. He seemed to not be able to give her the space and time that she wanted.

    If I do the opposite (give her space and time as much as she wants), will things turn out to be good for us?

    #398730
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tobi:

    You are welcome.

    She and I plan to study together in Australia next year… She told me that let’s give us a chance when we are already in Australia. Does that mean she wants to try this relationship again?” – maybe, depends on whether she is a thoughtful, honest person, or not. If she is thoughtful and honest, then she wouldn’t say let’s-give-it-a-chance, etc., unless she meant it. But if she is not thoughtful, or honest, she may say something and not really mean it, or she’d say something and forget it later, because she didn’t put much thought into what she said.

    Also, lots of people, when they break up relationships, they try to do it gently, or gradually, so that the other person doesn’t get devastated or angry, sometimes giving the other person false hope. The thought in doing so is something like this: a man who is completely rejected is an angry man who may hurt me or hassle me; a hopeful man= no anger, no hassle.

    I remember her mom told her to find a nice, loving man as her father used to be harsh to her mom” – but she had a relationship with a man who “physically and mentally abused…  hurt her”, and a woman who was also harsh (?) Maybe she is attracted to harsh men/women, hoping to change them into nice, loving people.

    My dad used to be abusive towards my mom, too. But I don’t see how that affects me (just in my case)” – you mean that it didn’t affect you by causing you to become abusive, right? No doubt though that it did affect you in some other significant way or ways.

    Could her past (her father used to be harsh to her mom) affect her feelings at some point in the relationship?” – of course, no doubt. One way it affected her was by causing her anxiety and stress, from which she still suffers. In what other ways it affected her, I don’t know. Like I suggested earlier in this post, maybe it caused her to be attracted to harsh men.

    Do you suggest any way to help my gf out?” – I am sorry, I don’t see a way… except for one: help yourself, become stronger and you will be better able to help people who can be helped.

    anita

    #398731
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tobi:

    I just read your most recent post:

    Should I try to calm down and try to love myself more before I start to love someone else?” – yes, similar to what I suggested in my last post, help yourself= love yourself.

    Should I once a week get her gifts to remind her I’m still around for her? I won’t contact her directly. I’ll just ask her sister to help me deliver” – I don’t think that it’s a good idea. It would make you appear like a beggar perhaps, one who begs her to love you. One should never beg to be loved.

    She told me that she broke up with her first bf… He seemed to not be able to give her the space and time that she wanted. If I do the opposite (give her space and time as much as she wants), will things turn out to be good for us?” – this is your best bet, seems to me. Give her all the space and time that she wants, and more, and take good care of yourself!

    anita

    #398732
    Tobi
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your advice. Somehow I became so calm right now…..I hope I didn’t turn cold-hearted. I still care about her. Could someone change moods so quickly?

    And yeah, she’s really thoughtful and honest. She likes helping people in need and sometimes, I think she puts their needs above her. I’ve seen it. I felt, tbh, a little sad but I never forced her to do anything against her will as I want to be equal and not become a control freak.

    I remember telling her that if she somehow wants nothing to do with me (regardless of the cause), just tell me straight and I won’t bother her anymore.

    She has never replied to that.

    That was just my suggestion as I don’t wanna be anyone’s burden or cause of stress. And I definitely don’t wanna waste either my time or my girlfriend’s. But I notice I grew up a lot in this relationship since I deleted my Tinder account just to keep myself from ruining my chance with my gf by fooling around. Also, I realized that this relationship may be a wake-up call so that I won’t be messing around with people’s hearts.

    My gf and my friends said I have that fuckboy vibe. Idk what makes them think so

     

    Also, lots of people, when they break up relationships, try to do it gently, or gradually, so that the other person doesn’t get devastated or angry, sometimes giving the other person false hope. The thought in doing so is something like this: a man who is completely rejected is an angry man who may hurt me or hassle me; a hopeful man= no anger, no hassle.

    I hope she doesn’t think of me that way (I would hurt her in anger). I have never tried to hurt any ex of mine as I believe that if we’re not meant to be, our love won’t last. I still actually talk about problems we have with my exes as friends.

    I do notice that I am liable to be rational and focus on the details. So everything someone says to me will be carefully analyzed (including my GF’s talk to me)

     

    I remember her mom told her to find a nice, loving man as her father used to be harsh to her mom” – but she had a relationship with a man who “physically and mentally abused…  hurt her”, and a woman who was also harsh (?) Maybe she is attracted to harsh men/women, hoping to change them into nice, loving people

    I hope I can help her or she can realize that being involved in violent/ abusive people isn’t good. The only thing I remember about my parents’ breakup is that I would defend my mom when my dad tried to abuse her, which includes times that I had to fight him for physically abusing my mom. However, I have never hurt a girl physically as I was taught that is a sign of cowardice.

    Thank you for making me realize so much about my circumstance, Anita.

    #398733
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tobi:

    You are welcome. “Somehow I became so calm right now… I hope I didn’t turn cold-hearted” – calm does not mean cold. When a person is calm, a person is able to love more, not less.

    I still care about her. Could someone change moods so quickly?” – yes. It is in the nature of moods to change. Your calm mood will change too. Maybe it already changed by the time you read this sentence.

    And yeah, she’s really thoughtful and honest. She likes helping people in need” – good to read this.

    I never forced her to do anything against her will as I want to be equal and not become a control freak” – you are a good man.

    My gf and my friends said I have that f**** vibe. Idk what makes them think so” – ask them what makes them think so.

    The only thing I remember about my parents’ breakup is that I would defend my mom when my dad tried to abuse her, which includes times that I had to fight him for physically abusing my mom” – maybe part of your love for the woman we are discussing is that like your mom, she was abused by an ex, and you feel the need to help her and defend her, like you defended your mom (?)

    anita

    #398734
    Tobi
    Participant

    Thank you, Anita, for having everyone’s back.

    It’s been so many years, yet you’re here to support us.

    Could I come back again for your advice if somehow my feelings are out of control (of course regarding my relationship)?

    I feel safer and calmer now knowing that there’ll be you and other members here to listen to not just my problem and give people in need advice.

    Thank you & Best regards,

    #398735
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tobi:

    You are very welcome and thank you for your kind words. Of course, you are welcomed to come back again anytime for my advice, and otherwise, to help and be helped. Best regards to you as well.

    anita

    #398778
    Tobi
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am again thinking too much about my girlfriend’s well-being…I tried to do various things but it has been 2 weeks since she said that ‘we should take a break’.

    What hurts me the most is that she said I don’t know how long it will take me to be Ok again and ‘You don’t have to wait for me. I don’t want you to be stuck here with me’.

    However, what makes me happy is that she said ‘Let’s give us a chance when we’re in Australia.’

    Allow me to express what I know and how I feel about her in detail. I spent almost 2 days writing everything down in my diary. I started writing a diary as I think this relationship is worth fighting for and I want to note down everything to be able to help her.

    WHAT I KNOW ABOUT MY GF FROM WHAT SHE TOLD ME: 

    HER CHILDHOOD:

    • Her dad was very strict about her studying. He wanted her to study in the best school so he tried a lot to support her. She had to push herself a lot to satisfy her parents. One time, she failed and her dad was very upset with her.
    • Even when she’s now a grown person, she and her dad still argue sometimes and she cries

    HER ADULTHOOD:

    • She once suffered from depression and overcame it (IDK if she did it with the help of a specialist).
    • HER FIRST LOVE: she was in love with that guy very much. He was a good guy and I have respect for him. But perhaps, he didn’t really understand when she needed time to acquire her personal goals. They ended up breaking up as he thought she grew cold. (this part I only describe as much as I remember- I avoided bringing up her past because I was worried she would be stressed/sad again.)

     

    • HER SECOND LOVE (TOXIC): He physically abused her when they argued. That gives me heartache whenever it appears in my mind. She and this toxic boyfriend invested. He urged her to ask her parents to wire him money against her will. They had an argument and he hurt her physically. He lost her money and did never return her. Now she had to make up for that financial loss with her own savings. This amount of money was originally saved for her CFA test.

     

    • HER THIRD RELATIONSHIP (TOXIC):

     this toxic girlfriend trapped her & played with my GF’s heart. She was also mentally abusive as she would make my GF sad. She was also very dictating when she forced my GF to do her job for her even though my GF was in a relationship with me and my GF was really busy. I told my GF to refuse to help her because it’s not my GF’s job to please that horrible person (I didn’t force her but I calmly explained to my GF why she should not communicate with this toxic person anymore).

    My girlfriend had a trip to a province in Vietnam and it happens to be the toxic person’s hometown. That toxic person asked my GF to come to stay at her house but then soon after, would leave my GF all alone while she was out having fun. She even yelled at my GF for spoiling a bedsheet. My GF was on her period at that time and it came suddenly so she was not well prepared. I talked to her on the phone and asked her to come home to me. I picked her up at the bus station.

    Recently, after the farewell party with this toxic ex-girlfriend (they used to be co-workers), my girlfriend suddenly experienced all the bad memories from this 3rd relationship coming back to her mind.

    • HER FOURTH RELATIONSHIP (ME): 

    We met on Tinder. At the time she still seemed to be in her 3rd toxic relationship. One time, as we were talking, she told me she was drunk at a bar and I told her to come home safely. I thought she was just another person that I was gonna have a short chat with on Tinder. I was worried for her safety (I didn’t know why).

    After picking her up from the bus station, I started to spend time comforting her and making her smile. When I noticed that I was head over heels for this girl, I asked her to be my girlfriend. She asked me if I could wait for her to heal as she just walked out of one toxic relationship (the 3rd one). I said YES, I COULD. I was falling for her so much that I would not do anything reckless to scare her away.

    Then soon after, on one date night, I somehow felt a strong love for her and asked her to be my GF again. This time, fortunately, she said YES. I was very happy and we had a great period of time together. I would do anything to make her feel like a queen, make it up for her losses in the past toxic relationships. She was my priority. I once canceled a meeting with my Korean partner just to take her to see the doctor. My GF suffers from essential tremor. She has had this since childhood but it got worse over time (I strongly believe that the stress causes this medical condition to get worse over the years).

    We were a happy couple until the following incidents occurred:

    1. Her dad’s company dissolved and he was the only bread owner in her family. He’s now retired. She works, too. However, her dad made the most money. Her family’s financial situation is good at the time this happened as every basic need was provided without difficulties. I never asked her about this coz I think it was something rather personal.
    2. Her second toxic ex refused to return the money that he lost because of his bad investment decision. My GF then had to compensate with her savings (as I mentioned above)
    3. That farewell with her third toxic ex brought back all the bad memories (she later shared that with me in our last talk)
    4. Stress from the CFA study: she loves studying. She’s willing to do whatever it takes to pass the CFA exam as she has been investing a lot of time, energy & money into this. I researched a little about this CFA level 2 test, everyone thinks that this is one tough exam. When I told her that failing is okay and to keep her own health in good condition, she said she would choose this CFA test over anything.
    5. Stress from work: too much workload with such little time made my GF under a lot of pressure. I told her to work but rest, too. She, again, cannot refuse the job given even though her boss is ridiculously dictating and highly demanding.

    I think all these incidents contributed largely to her personal emotional change. I cannot blame her for being ambitious and a workaholic. Maybe that’s how she grew up thinking that failing or letting go is not an option.

    I now realize that her starting a new relationship after she had just walked out of a toxic one was not good. I should have been more patient and now is the time I learn how to be patient and fight for what I believe is love.

    I fear that when she’s okay again, I won’t be the person by her side to share that happiness with her. Despite that, I hope she will be okay soon. I know I have done my best to be her good BF.

    I was once like her but I was never in any toxic relationships. My exes were great. We just had different life goals and problems back then & I didn’t fight for our relationships…..So personally, this may be my karma in case we won’t be together in the future.

    WHAT I THINK ABOUT MY GF: 

    • Generous & kind-hearted (she loves doing charity)
    • She loves to learn and is willing to spend hours on learning
    • She is a family person. She’s worried about everyone’s well-being.
    • She was caring towards me (the best GF I have ever had)

     

    I gave up Tinder just because no one compares to my GF. I am reading a lot of articles on how to get over toxic relationships and how to make you feel you’re worth a beautiful relationship. I haven’t contacted her or bought her food/drinks for days even though I miss her a lot. I don’t wanna disturb her…..But this is hurtful. I have tried a lot of activities to distract myself but still I miss her.

    Am I doing it right as a good BF?

    #398779
    Tobi
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am again thinking too much about my girlfriend’s well-being…I tried to do various things but it has been 2 weeks since she said that ‘we should take a break’.

    What hurts me the most is that she said I don’t know how long it will take me to be Ok again and ‘You don’t have to wait for me. I don’t want you to be stuck here with me’.

    However, what makes me happy is that she said ‘Let’s give us a chance when we’re in Australia.’

    Allow me to express what I know and how I feel about her in detail. I spent almost 2 days writing everything down in my diary. I started writing a diary as I think this relationship is worth fighting for and I want to note down everything to be able to help her.

    WHAT I KNOW ABOUT MY GF FROM WHAT SHE TOLD ME: 

    HER CHILDHOOD:

    • Her dad was very strict about her studying. He wanted her to study in the best school so he tried a lot to support her. She had to push herself a lot to satisfy her parents. One time, she failed and her dad was very upset with her.
    • Even when she’s now a grown person, she and her dad still argue sometimes and she cries

    HER ADULTHOOD:

    • She once suffered from depression and overcame it (IDK if she did it with the help of a specialist).
    • HER FIRST LOVE: she was in love with that guy very much. He was a good guy and I have respect for him. But perhaps, he didn’t really understand when she needed time to acquire her personal goals. They ended up breaking up as he thought she grew cold. (this part I only describe as much as I remember- I avoided bringing up her past because I was worried she would be stressed/sad again.)

     

    • HER SECOND LOVE (TOXIC): He physically abused her when they argued. That gives me heartache whenever it appears in my mind. She and this toxic boyfriend invested. He urged her to ask her parents to wire him money against her will. They had an argument and he hurt her physically. He lost her money and did never return her. Now she had to make up for that financial loss with her own savings. This amount of money was originally saved for her CFA test.

     

    • HER THIRD RELATIONSHIP (TOXIC):

     this toxic girlfriend trapped her & played with my GF’s heart. She was also mentally abusive as she would make my GF sad. She was also very dictating when she forced my GF to do her job for her even though my GF was in a relationship with me and my GF was really busy. I told my GF to refuse to help her because it’s not my GF’s job to please that horrible person (I didn’t force her but I calmly explained to my GF why she should not communicate with this toxic person anymore).

    My girlfriend had a trip to a province in Vietnam and it happens to be the toxic person’s hometown. That toxic person asked my GF to come to stay at her house but then soon after, would leave my GF all alone while she was out having fun. She even yelled at my GF for spoiling a bedsheet. My GF was on her period at that time and it came suddenly so she was not well prepared. I talked to her on the phone and asked her to come home to me. I picked her up at the bus station.

    Recently, after the farewell party with this toxic ex-girlfriend (they used to be co-workers), my girlfriend suddenly experienced all the bad memories from this 3rd relationship coming back to her mind.

    • HER FOURTH RELATIONSHIP (ME): 

    We met on Tinder. At the time she still seemed to be in her 3rd toxic relationship. One time, as we were talking, she told me she was drunk at a bar and I told her to come home safely. I thought she was just another person that I was gonna have a short chat with on Tinder. I was worried for her safety (I didn’t know why).

    After picking her up from the bus station, I started to spend time comforting her and making her smile. When I noticed that I was head over heels for this girl, I asked her to be my girlfriend. She asked me if I could wait for her to heal as she just walked out of one toxic relationship (the 3rd one). I said YES, I COULD. I was falling for her so much that I would not do anything reckless to scare her away.

    Then soon after, on one date night, I somehow felt a strong love for her and asked her to be my GF again. This time, fortunately, she said YES. I was very happy and we had a great period of time together. I would do anything to make her feel like a queen, make it up for her losses in the past toxic relationships. She was my priority. I once canceled a meeting with my Korean partner just to take her to see the doctor. My GF suffers from essential tremor. She has had this since childhood but it got worse over time (I strongly believe that the stress causes this medical condition to get worse over the years).

    We were a happy couple until the following incidents occurred:

    1. Her dad’s company dissolved and he was the only bread owner in her family. He’s now retired. She works, too. However, her dad made the most money. Her family’s financial situation is good at the time this happened as every basic need was provided without difficulties. I never asked her about this coz I think it was something rather personal.
    2. Her second toxic ex refused to return the money that he lost because of his bad investment decision. My GF then had to compensate with her savings (as I mentioned above)
    3. That farewell with her third toxic ex brought back all the bad memories (she later shared that with me in our last talk)
    4. Stress from the CFA study: she loves studying. She’s willing to do whatever it takes to pass the CFA exam as she has been investing a lot of time, energy & money into this. I researched a little about this CFA level 2 test, everyone thinks that this is one tough exam. When I told her that failing is okay and to keep her own health in good condition, she said she would choose this CFA test over anything.
    5. Stress from work: too much workload with such little time made my GF under a lot of pressure. I told her to work but rest, too. She, again, cannot refuse the job given even though her boss is ridiculously dictating and highly demanding.

    I think all these incidents contributed largely to her personal emotional change. I cannot blame her for being ambitious and a workaholic. Maybe that’s how she grew up thinking that failing or letting go is not an option.

    I now realize that her starting a new relationship after she had just walked out of a toxic one was not good. I should have been more patient and now is the time I learn how to be patient and fight for what I believe is love.

    I fear that when she’s okay again, I won’t be the person by her side to share that happiness with her. Despite that, I hope she will be okay soon. I know I have done my best to be her good BF.

    I was once like her but I was never in any toxic relationships. My exes were great. We just had different life goals and problems back then & I didn’t fight for our relationships…..So personally, this may be my karma in case we won’t be together in the future.

     

    #398780
    Tobi
    Participant

    WHAT I THINK ABOUT MY GF: 

    • Generous & kind-hearted (she loves doing charity)
    • She loves to learn and is willing to spend hours on learning
    • She is a family person. She’s worried about everyone’s well-being.
    • She was caring towards me (the best GF I have ever had)

     

    I gave up Tinder just because no one compares to my GF. I am reading a lot of articles on how to get over toxic relationships and how to make you feel you’re worth a beautiful relationship. I haven’t contacted her or bought her food/drinks for days even though I miss her a lot. I don’t wanna disturb her…..But this is hurtful. I have tried a lot of activities to distract myself but still I miss her.

    Am I doing it right as a good BF?

    #398784
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tobi:

    I read your two posts attentively. You are indeed very much emotionally invested in her. Your writing is presented in a scientific way: neat, orderly, structured, methodical and precise. Relationships are often complex and messy because either party, or both, are not aware of (or otherwise do not share) the whole truth, so the information you have, although precisely and thoroughly presented, may be significantly incomplete, meaning that this and that essential piece of information is missing, leading to a significantly lacking understanding.

    I’ll go over what you wrote and see what I can come up with (perhaps I will point to possible missing pieces): she told you that her father “was very strict about her studying… One time, she failed, and her dad was very upset with her“, that “She had to push herself a lot to satisfy her parents“. and that currently, “she and her dad still argue sometimes, and she cries”. Earlier, you wrote that her father “used to be harsh to her mom“, and “her dad was very strict on her (typical Asian tiger parent)“-

    – From Wikipedia on Tiger parenting: “a form of strict parenting, whereby parents are highly invested in ensuring their children’s success. Specifically, tiger parents push their children to attain high levels of academic achievement or success in high-status extracurricular activities such as music or sports… Tiger parents prioritize schoolwork above all else and highly encourage their children to participate in activities that are beneficial increasing the child’s acceptance to the elite universities”.

    Her second relationship was with a man who “urged her to ask her parents to wire him money against her will. They had an argument and he hurt her physically. He lost her money and did never return her. Now she had to make up for that financial loss with her own savings. This amount of money was originally saved for her CFA test” – (1) If her father has been a strict, tiger parent who prioritized his daughter’s academics above all else, why did he wire the money saved for her CFA study to a man who was not part of the family?

    (2) It takes two to argue. If her father has been strict and harsh to his wife and daughter, how is it that his daughter repeatedly argues with him, not afraid of him or intimidated by him?

    When I told her that failing is okay and to keep her own health in good condition, she said she would choose this CFA test over anything” – she didn’t choose her CFA test over anything when she sent the “amount of money was originally saved for her CFA test” to her second boyfriend. Did she?

    In the third and most recent relationship, the work colleague “forced my GF to do her job for her“, similar to the boyfriend before forcing her to ask her parents to wire him money (“urged her… against her will“)- how did her work colleague force her to do her job for her and how did she convince her parents to wire money to this man, what did she say to them?

    Am I doing it right as a good BF?” – currently, there is a break in the relationship with no promise that it will resume. Why do you refer to the two of you as boyfriend and girlfriend?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 months ago by anita.
    #398787
    Tobi
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for talking to me about this matter. I don’t know who to share this with. I was lucky to find this forum and topic.

    I should have been more specific about some characteristics of living in Vietnam and I definitely should have added the time frame.

    1. Her dad actually didn’t wire her second BF money that should have been meant for her CFA test. The money was meant for her investment only, not CFA. Her mom who is kind and soft gave her the money (the money was not for CFA for starters).  My GF was for sure in love with this second toxic ex. The reason he physically abused her was due to this amount of money. She, at first, refused to invest as it was quite risky. Her ex then argued and laid his hands on her. When she told me about this second toxic relationship, she only mentioned her mom. This relationship took place last year, 2021. And her family’s financial situation was in good condition as her dad was still the director of his company.
    2. Later, when her dad retired, she realized that her family’s financial situation is not gonna be as good as it was. So she decided to return the money to her mom. She and her mom talked about this money. She never mentioned her dad so I suppose her dad has no clue about this from the beginning. She only started to talk against her dad later on when she was a teenager. Sometimes, her dad can be really unreasonable.
    3. Originally, she was not a city dweller like I am. Her family came from a small town in Vietnam. And to go to schools that are located in the city, one needed to be a city dweller. I know it was a stupid rule. So her dad had to ask for a person’s favor to be a city dweller even though she would travel a long way from her town to school in the city. He wanted her to thrive in the academic environment
    4. My GF is the type of shy person and she sometimes doesn’t fight back for her own benefit. Since she was once dominated by her toxic exes, she tended to do things for them against her will. The work colleague that forced her was her 3rd ex. They worked in the same company and she went to that colleague’s farewell party.
    5. I refer to us as BF & GF because I believe deep down, she’s going through a lot and she doesn’t want to drag me down with her. She would take care of me when I had an accident. She came to my house and took care of me. She always cared about me….I know love is blind. A lot of my friends told me to give up but I’d rather learn a bitter lesson than take an easy way out. 🙁
    6. I have read articles on why someone tends to push their loved ones away and my GF’s condition is among those why-s
    7. No matter how things end, I’ll never be mad at her. I used to rush into rebound relationships only to realize that I still loved my ex. I think I’m going through what I did to my past exes who deserved happiness. I need to know what it feels like to be hurt this way.

    Thank You, Anita

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