- This topic has 171 replies, 38 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 1 month ago by Anonymous.
February 13, 2022 at 11:30 am #392697AnonymousGuest
You don’t have to let go of him: if the two of you are willing, then together, as a team of two- with the beginning help of a couple therapist- a relationship can work for your benefit and for his benefit. I will be away from the computer for a few hours. You are welcome to post again anytime, and I’ll get back to you later.
anitaFebruary 13, 2022 at 2:57 pm #392698AnonymousGuest
Also, it is important that when you are in a relationship with a boyfriend, that you don’t expect to feel love at all times. No one feels love for another person 24/7, or all waking hours, not even close to that amount of time. The feeling of love comes and goes like any other feeling. He does not feel love for you all the time either.
Don’t keep checking if you feel it or not- it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you act in loving ways, that what you say and do is not harmful, but helpful to the one you love. It doesn’t benefit your boyfriend that you feel love for him at this moment or at that moment. What benefits him are your loving words and loving actions.
anitaFebruary 13, 2022 at 3:19 pm #392699KenParticipant
Thank you so much. You are breath of fresh air and your wisdom has helped me understand my feelings and thoughts better. I am planning on giving us another chance because I love him so much but I am going to warn him that as of right now I’m going through some growth and I want to make sure that he’s prepared to come on the ride with me. He himself understands that I’m going through a hard time, but what is a relationship without some bumps in the road right? I still have so much growing to do but I’ve came to understand that I can grow with him. Again thank you so much Anita, lets hope that if I ever come back here it’s not because of the same thing. Be safe Anita, you’re an amazing person.February 13, 2022 at 3:28 pm #392700AnonymousGuest
You are very welcome and thank you for your kind words of appreciation. What you posted a few minutes ago reads intelligent, mature and wise I am impressed, and I am optimistic about things working out well for you. Feel free to post anytime along the way, whenever you want my input.
anitaApril 1, 2022 at 8:10 pm #396694
You seem to be really helpful and I would love to hear your opinion. In February I went to a basketball game and my ex was there and he ended up speaking to me. I have not spoken to him for almost two years. That relationship ended bad. After that, my mind went into a spiral about my current relationship. Thoughts like do I love him? It made me feel so wrong and guilty. I cried and cried because I didn’t understand. It made no sense to me at all. me and my current relationship have been together for a year and four months. He is my longest relationship and this relationship means the world to me. I am very comfortable around him. I act my true self around him and we always talk about our problems. This relationship is very different from my past ones. Although, me and my current relationship did go through a rough patch. When I was away at college I had found out he was sexting a fake account. When i first found out i believe i was in shock so i didn’t really feel anything towards him. He picked me up the day after it happened and i can remember him asking me if i was going to say anything. we eventually got back to his house and talked and he balled his eyes out but i didn’t care because i felt like that’s what he deserved. While i was in college i had very bad separation issues from being away from him. I felt homesick being away from him. That was around October. Once the shock wore off I began to really overthink about it. meanwhile I’ve always been an overthinker. I’m now back at home switching to a community college. I have been around my boyfriend a lot more. Fast forward to now I feel like in not feeling those ” in love” feelings and it’s really taking a toll on me i feel so wrong for it but I’m trying to accept that it’s normal two not always feel them. I’ve been like this for two months now. Pretty much crying every day because I don’t understand why I’m not experiencing those feelings even though I know I love my partner and never wanna lose him. I do feel like a part of me is blocked off. I’m not sure if I fell out of the honeymoon phase or if I’ve just been through so much that I had a break.April 1, 2022 at 8:33 pm #396696AnonymousGuest
I read part of your post but I am not focused enough to read further and reply, I will be back to you Sat morning, which is in about 10 hours from now. For now, I’d say: don’t panic over emotion; reality is often not as bad (or as great) as how it feels.
anitaApril 2, 2022 at 8:41 am #396703AnonymousGuest
I will retell your story in a chronological order, placing what happened first before what happens second, etc., best I can, approximating dates:
March 2020: last time you spoke to your ex, following a bad breakup (“That relationship ended bad“).
January 2021: you met your current boyfriend and started a relationship.
October 2021: you were away from your boyfriend in college and had “very bad separation issues from being away from him… felt homesick being away from him“, and you found out that he was sexting with another woman or women. First, you were “in shock“, saying nothing, but eventually, in his house, the two of you talked a lot, he cried a lot, you were angry and later: “I began to really overthink about it. meanwhile I’ve always been an overthinker“.
November 2021- February 2022: you moved back home, switching to community college, spending a lot more time with your boyfriend. You wrote this about your current, 1 year and 4 months relationship: “He is my longest relationship, and this relationship means the world to me. I am very comfortable around him. I act my true self around him, and we always talk about our problems“.
February 2022: you went to a basketball game, saw your ex and talked with him for the first time in almost two years.
February 2022-now (2 months): “My mind went into a spiral about my current relationship. Thoughts like do I love him? It made me feel so wrong and guilty… not feeling those ‘in love’ feelings and it’s really taking a toll on me, I feel so wrong for it but I’m trying to accept that it’s normal to not always feel them… Pretty much crying every day because I don’t understand why I’m not experiencing those feelings even though I know I love my partner and never wanna lose him“.
My thoughts as to why you no longer feel in-love with your boyfriend: feeling in-love is about feeling hope and imagining/ fantasizing about good things happening (the classic “and they lived happily ever after”, comes to mind). It takes a level of calm to feel hopeful and to imagine good things. When a person gets too fearful, too anxious, and/ or too angry, a person is no longer calm enough to hope and imagine good things, therefore, it is impossible to feel in-love.
In other words, the mental/ emotional state of being in-love does not go together with heightened anxiety and anger.
As to my understanding of what happened: you’ve been anxious for the longest time and that’s why you’ve been an overthinker for the longest time (for so long that it feels like always: “I’ve always been an overthinker“, since you were a child, I am guessing). Anxiety and Overthinking go together. In some real-life circumstances your anxiety goes up (ex., being in college away from your boyfriend), at other circumstances, your anxiety goes down (ex., being back home, close to your boyfriend).
But it is not only real-life circumstances that affect the extent of your anxiety; thoughts also affect anxiety. Every time you think about your boyfriend sexting while you were away in college, your anxiety (and sometimes anger) goes up.
When you met your ex in February, your anxiety went up probably because feelings associated with that relationship and bad breakup surfaced, triggering your anger in regard to your boyfriend past sexting, and your fear of losing him.
Because when Fear is Up=> Overthinking is Up, you started thinking a lot: “Thoughts like do I love him?”, “why I’m not experiencing these feelings“? I am “so wrong and guilty… so wrong for it“, and I “never wanna lose him“. All these thoughts increase your anxiety, and increased anxiety makes feeling in-love impossible.
Clearly, there is nothing wrong about any thought or feeling a person has, because our thoughts and feelings just happen, we don’t choose them; it is only our chosen actions that point to guilt or innocence. But you feel guilty for not feeling in-love, as if you chose to lose that feeling. Thing is, you didn’t choose to lose the in-love feelings any more than you chose to feel homesick for him back in October.
Notice that you wrote I feel so wrong and guilty, and I changed it to you thinking I am so wrong and guilty: there is a belief in you that you are wrong and guilty, and that’s why you feel wrong and guilty. A belief is something you think that has a strong emotion attached to it; it is a combination of thought and emotion. I am guessing that this belief started early for you, when you were a child, something was wrong at home, and you felt that it was your fault?
I am asking because this kind of core-belief keeps generating anxiety, like wood that keeps fueling a fire. Of course, this very question that I asked you is likely to increase your anxiety, therefore it is important that you answer it- if you choose to answer it- when you are as calm as you can be.
anitaApril 2, 2022 at 8:29 pm #396812
When I went to college my anxiety spiked a lot. Although when I came back home permanently it subsided. For the past two months, I have been experiencing a lot of anxiety. I’ve been crying all the time. I feel very uneasy every day. My mind is fixated on not feeling those ” in love” feelings. Giving me thoughts like ” you should feel something for him all the time or ” this isn’t normal not feeling anything” Although I know I love my boyfriend just not experiencing those in love feelings at this time and my mind isn’t working very well with it. I am calm in this moment but the question you asked is kind of iffy for me. I’ve lived with my parents my whole life. My dad is normally at work during the day and my mom is normally the one home more. It has always been like that. My childhood was pretty good. At a time my aunt lived with us and she was into drugs and would disappear for hours. My parents would argue with her. I was in 3rd grade when that happened. During middle school a lot of people disliked me over a lie somebody told about me and people were threatening me alot. I also had a bad relationship in middle school. His mother was physco. I’m not sure if any of that would play a factor.April 2, 2022 at 8:46 pm #396813AnonymousGuest
Once again, it’s night time where I am at, and I will need to get back to you in the morning (in about 10 hours from now). If you want to, before I return to you, feel free to tell me more about your pretty good childhood, about how it was being with your mom at home (where you and your mother close?), about our aunt’s stay, your middle school relationship and his mother… The more you share, the better chance I have to understand you and what currently concerns you most.
anitaApril 3, 2022 at 12:28 pm #396826AnonymousGuest
“My mind went into a spiral about my current relationship. Thoughts like do I love him? … It made me feel so wrong and guilty… My mind is fixated on… thoughts like ‘you should feel something for him all the time‘ or ‘this isn’t normal not feeling anything‘…
“I’ve lived with my parents my whole life. My dad is normally at work during the day and my mom is normally the one home more. It has always been like that” –
– In the last two months, your mind has been fixated on thoughts in regard to your boyfriend of a year and 4 months, not in regard to your mother or your father whom you’ve known your “whole life… always“.
Here is a question that you may choose to answer- or not: Did you ever struggle with thoughts like the following, in regard to your mother and/ or your father, thoughts that made you “feel so wrong and guilty“:
Do I love him (or her)? I should feel love for him (or her) all the time, this isn’t normal not feeling anything for my own mother (or father)?
I am asking because these are not uncommon thoughts that many children have from time to time, and these are scary thoughts. I remember having these thoughts when I was a child, and feeling very guilty and odd, like there was something wrong with me for these thoughts even crossing my mind… feeling that only a bad child/ a bad person would have such thoughts. Can you relate to any extent?
anitaApril 4, 2022 at 5:31 pm #396955
Honestly no I’ve never had those thoughts towards my parents. I’ve never thought about that until nowApril 4, 2022 at 5:41 pm #396957AnonymousGuest
Now that you thought about it… how was it growing up at home, did you feel love for your parents, did you feel loved by them, did you feel safe and comfortable as a child?
anitaApril 5, 2022 at 11:31 am #397036AnonymousGuest
I want to explain to you why I asked about your childhood: over the almost 7 years of my participation in these forums, I’ve seen again and again how childhood conflicts and struggles get re-experienced in adulthood. The ways a child suffers in the context of the relationship with a parent (or parents) are very similar to the ways the adult suffers in the context of an adult relationship with a partner. There is a sexual and a romantic element added to the latter, but the conflicts, the struggles and the suffering are similar.
For example, and I am simplifying it here: a child who was very neglected by a parent is likely to feel, as an adult, neglected by a partner (who is adequately attentive!); a child abused by a parent and as a result, angry at the abusive parent, is likely to feel, as an adult, abused by and angry at a non-abusive partner.
When I suggest the reality of this common dynamic to members, most don’t want to talk about their childhood, they only want to talk about their romantic relationships. Problem is that without insight into one’s childhood where a certain, very personal suffering originated, it is not possible to resolve the suffering in the adult romantic relationship. The way an adult ends the suffering in a romantic relationship is often by ending the relationship. But then, following a temporary relief, the suffering resumes.
There is something else to consider: in one person’s adult life, one romantic relationship is not identical to the second, third etc., because a different partner is involved in each relationship, but sooner or later, the person re-experiences a similar or even the same kind of suffering in each relationship, including with partners that are decent. Romantic relationships are often wonderful and magical for a while… but sooner or later (it’s only a matter of time), the old, unresolved childhood suffering gets reactivated and re-experienced, and the relationship suffers, often ending.
anitaApril 23, 2022 at 8:46 am #398681TobiParticipant
I am new to this forum and was happy to run into this topic. I would like to share my information about my situation.
My gf and I are Asian for starter. We met in January on Tinder. She was in a bad and mentally abusive relationship when we met. I comforted her and I picked her up at a bus station after her visit to her ex’s house.
We soon went on dates and when I expressed how I feel about her. She was happy and told me to wait for her to recover and heal from her past toxic relationships. I said yes but on one beautiful day, I asked her to be my gf during our date and she said yes.
My gf experienced 2 toxic relationships as far as I know. In the first one, she was physically and mentally abused by her ex. He would physically hurt her and took away a big amount of her money which she borrowed for investment. That money later on gave her stress as she had to work to pay it all by herself.
In the second one, her ex would trap her. Her ex was a trap-girl (my gf is bisexual). She would ignored my gf and make my gf sad a lot of times. When the second toxic relationship ended, we started dating and fell in love with each other.
Everything was perfect until one day (exactly 2 weeks ago), she told me SHE HAD NO LOVE FEELINGS FOR ME. At that same time, her dad’s company was dissolved and he has been the only bread -owner in the family. She then had to give back the money that she had borrowed from her parents for investment. Her ex took that money away as I described above.
2 weeks ago, she went to a farewell party of her second toxic ex (they worked in the same company) and after that party, every bad memories of the toxic relationship came back to her.
My ex had a hard childhood, her dad was very strict on her (typical Asian tiger parent). She had to travel far back and forth because her dad wanted her to study in a highly competitive school. He would scold at her for getting bad results. She and her dad don’t get along very well with each other. They sometimes have arguments over stuff.
I tried to talk to her but she didn’t wanna talk. I tried to buy her food and her favorite apple juice but she was not happy to receive them.
On the day that she dropped the “I HAVE NO FEELINGS FOR YOU ANYMORE” bomb on me, she told me SHE STILL LOVED ME BUT HAD NO FEELINGS OF LOVE ANYMORE. She asked me if I COULD WAIT FOR HER and said that I DIDN’T HAVE TO WAIT FOR HER IF I DIDN’T WANNA. Of course I said yes without hesitation because I love this person very much and I have never had this kind of love for anyone before
I know that her childhood and her toxic relationships have badly affected her in some way. But when I mentioned visiting a therapist, she immediately refused because she thought her problem wasn’t serious. At that time, she told me she needed time and space to heal and that she didn’t want me to be involved in this mess. But how can I leave her like this? She blamed herself on not spending time to heal after her 2 toxic relationships but rather entering a new relationship with me straight away.
I am now devastated and cannot think clearly. My life has turned up side down. I don’t know if she’s really happy without me since her sister told me that she has been ok ever since our break. And she has been active on social media, too. I saw her commented on her friends’ post on facebook. I am happy that she is happy but at the same time I feel painful. I don’t mind waiting for this girl as I know she’s worth fighting for. I was kind of a bad boyfriend to some people when I broke their hearts. I don’t know if this is my karma. Even if it really is, I still have no regrets meeting and dating my gf.
Now I wanna give her time and space but at the same time, I wanna see her….. What do I do now? I wanna take her to visit a therapist or psychologist so that she can actually has her problems/ traumas solved. Even if we may not be together in the future, I still want all the best things for my gf.
Thank you for reading and replying to my situation. I apologize if my English is not good enough and gives you a hard time understanding.April 23, 2022 at 8:46 am #398682TobiParticipant
Also, my girlfriend is now focusing on her work and her studying now (she’s a data analyzer at a financial company & she’s now taking a CFA course). My gf really loves studying and she tends to be very serious about it. She can spend hours on studying and now she’s worried about the upcoming test in August. I suppose these (work and studying) also contribute to her stress.
She once told me she had depression but she overcame it (I don’t know if she managed to do that on her own or with the help of a specialist (therapist or psychologist). My gf also suffers from ‘essential tremor’. I took her to see a doctor and he explained that stress contributes largely to the severeness of the symptom even though the cause cannot be precisely identified.
Could this (stress/ depression) come back after a period of time or when something that reminds you of your undesirable past pops up? In my girlfriend’s case, she said seeing her toxic ex reminded her of the horrible experiences and made her lose interest in having a relationship. And could this play a part in my girlfriend’s circumstance?
Thank you for your support,