Home→Forums→Relationships→I love him but I'm suddenly not "in love"
- This topic has 171 replies, 38 voices, and was last updated 10 months ago by Anonymous.
September 9, 2020 at 11:31 am #366439BrittanyParticipant
@Vivian.. if you are still on here. Can you email me Brittany.email@example.com.
i believe I’m going through the same thing. I’d like to talk to you see if you are experiencing the same thing. I’ve been going through this for two months now. So afraid :/September 9, 2020 at 11:32 am #366441BrittanyParticipant
@layla i messaged you I’m going through somewhat of the same thing. I’d like to talk and see if it’s the same exact thing. I’m so stuck and confused, and sad.August 24, 2021 at 1:28 pm #385228
Dear Anita.Can I know how long it does take you to recover from this.Im suffering in this around 5 weeks.I love my fiance alot but I can’t feel any love towards him and also my loved once.I feel very guilty , because he is perfect,caring and we planned to get married soon.I talked to him about this and he is supporting me on this..We are in ldr.He is in military,so it’s hard for us to meet each other.Why suddenly I lost feelings .I’m so confused.Pls help me..Will be very helpful for me.August 24, 2021 at 1:41 pm #385256AnonymousGuest
It is important that you stop being afraid of the situation (of not feeling love for him). It’s okay to stop feeling love. I wish you can stop feeling fear and guilt about not feeling love for him anymore!
The reason why you stopped feeling love for him may be because you got scared of getting married: it’s a big change for you to go from a LDR to living with him as a married woman, and changes are scary. By not feeling love for you, your brain is preparing you to not do the scary thing: getting married and living with him.
Do you think this might be the reason?
anitaAugust 25, 2021 at 7:22 am #385281
Hi Anita thanks for your reply.I don’t think so I’m having that fear.Im just worrying because I cant feel the love for him and most of the time I’m unsure of my feelings.Is there any other ways to help me .I haven’t meet him in a person yet.August 25, 2021 at 7:23 am #385282
Can you please tell me how long it took for you to recover from thisAugust 25, 2021 at 7:48 am #385283AnonymousGuest
“Can you please tell me how long it took for you to recover from this“?-
– no, I am sorry: I can’t tell you that. There is no way for me to know if or when you recover from not feeling love for him anymore. I don’t even know if you should recover from not feeling love for him.
One big problem that I see is that you got engaged to a man whom you never met in-person (“I haven’t meet him in a person yet“). It doesn’t make sense to me, to get engaged before having the opportunity to hold his hand, to look into his eyes in real-life, etc.: how can you know if you will like how he smells or how it feels to be close to him when you.. never met him yet?
anitaNovember 19, 2021 at 9:53 am #388826AlmaParticipant
Ms.Anita , i noticed your replies and it seems like you have the type of understandings that I need for my relationship. Could you please email me here -firstname.lastname@example.org-. Im having the same problems with the guy I’ve been seeing for 3 months now. He’s my first guy and I’ve had way too much trauma in the past from boys and family and I’m falling for him but my killer anxiety and doubts seem to be taking away what I feel for him most days.November 19, 2021 at 10:28 am #388858AnonymousGuest
I would very much want to communicate with you. I have in the past exchanged emails with a few members. Currently, I am in an email communication with only one member (a woman with whom I communicated here the longest before exchanging emails). I recently made a decision to no longer exchange emails with any member, and keep the communication within these forums only. If you want to communicate with me, you can post again on this thread, or on your own thread (go to Forums at the top of the page and take it from there). You are welcome to not include real names of people and places, real dates and any private information that you don’t feel comfortable sharing on a public forum such as this.
anitaFebruary 13, 2022 at 8:37 am #392685
In a professional stand point from you Anita, do you think I still actually love him? I forgot to mention he is my first boyfriend. Do you think that I’m just attached? I hope my first post gets through moderation.February 13, 2022 at 8:37 am #392684
Hi Anita, I don’t know if you’re still active but it is worth a shot. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 7 months because I went through the same thing as Jazz and Micky. At first I was falling so hard in love, almost obsessive like. It wasn’t until the second month where my feelings for him have subsided. We carried on our relationship until today where I painfully ended our relationship. I did this because ever since the last week of January I just lost the feeling that I use to have for him. He is an amazing man. He treated me so well and he loved me, he chose to stay with me even in my darkest times. It was me who faltered but I know I still love and care for him but I don’t feel it anymore. I don’t know if there’s something wrong with me or not but already, I miss him. I miss him so much but I feel as though I cant go back to him because all I’d do to him is hurt him all over again. Before we said our goodbyes he said “I will always love you” and “I’ll wait for you, I want you and I’ll wait for you” and that hurt me more because it just reminded me of how much he loved me just for me to do this to him. He is my ideal man, ever since from a young age I’ve always wanted a man like him, to be loved by a man like him. I tried to tell myself this past two week that what I’m feeling is just a phase that it will pass but it didn’t. Like how Jazz and Micky said I felt like I was living a lie. Every time I called him, every time he texted me, every time we facetimed, all I could feel was pain about how I felt like I was living a lie and how I was lying to myself and to him in order to stay with him. I also knew that what I was doing was hurting him and that hurt me even more. I started to hate myself and I wanted nothing more than to let him go in order for him to find someone better who loved him and treated him like he deserved to be treated. I felt as though I didn’t deserve him because all I felt like I was doing was just hurting him. I miss him so much already and it hasn’t even been a day. He kept asking what he did wrong and there is NOTHING that he did wrong. He did everything right. It was just me, I fell back, I’m confused, I just don’t want to hurt him anymore but at the same time I don’t want to hate myself anymore. I’m scared that if I go back to him I’d just repeat this thing and it would become a whole cycle. I love him so much, but I’m scared that I’ll just hurt him. I miss him.
As for my parents, my father constantly physically and sexually abused, psychologically manipulated, and cheated on my mother. From a very young age I’ve witness this thinking as far back as maybe 3 years old. They got a divorce and I was forced to stay with my father since he would not let my mother take me. Living with my father was horrible. He was a very bad man to women and was a horrible role model. There was even a time where he abused me. Then came the day where he just up and left me alone with my older brother to take care of me. I don’t know if this is a factor of why I did what I did or why I felt like how I felt.
Again…. all I know is that I miss him and I do still love and care for my now ex boyfriend. I’m just scared that if I get back together with him I’d just feel like this all over again.February 13, 2022 at 9:43 am #392691AnonymousGuest
I need to correct you: I am not a professional. I am a member like you, only that I’ve been very active here every day for the last 6.5 years, communicating with many people and learning. Let’s see what I can learn from your post. Maybe I can pass on to you what I learned here through the years on the topic you brought up. The way I will be responding to your post is reading it part by part and responding, without first reading the entire post.
“At first, I was falling so hard in love, almost obsessive like” – an emotional overreaction, on your part. I am guessing that you were lacking love when you met him, similar to a person lacking food and being very hungry. When you met him and he loved you, it was like a very hungry person being offered food and overeating it.
“The second month… my feelings for him have subsided” – an emotional correction: what goes up must come down; what goes up a lot (an overreaction), must come down a lot.
Following the 3rd, 4th, 5th and 6th months of the relationship, you ended the 7-months relationship today.
Your reason: “ever since the last week of January I just lost the feeling that I use to have for him“. You lost “the feeling” about 3 weeks ago.
You “still love and care for him“, but you “don’t feel it anymore“- what is the nature of “this feeling“/ of “it“, that is different from loving and caring for him, I wonder.
“He is an amazing man. He treated me so well and he loved me, he chose to stay with me even in my darkest times… I miss him so much already and it hasn’t even been a day… He is my ideal man, ever since from a young age I’ve always wanted a man like him, to be loved by a man like him” –
– I think that the nature of “this feeling” that you lost for him 3 weeks ago (and now it’s back) is the strong desire to love and be loved in return. I am guessing that growing up, at an early age and onward, your strong love for any one of your parents, or both, was not returned, either you were neglected or mistreated. And the hurt from that experience, scared “this feeling” away.
I am guessing that while in the relationship with him you were afraid that he will stop loving you, or that maybe he really didn’t really love you, so you prepared yourself by losing the feeling. After breaking up with him, you felt safer, so the feeling is back.
“Every time I called him, every time he texted me, every time we facetimed, all I could feel was pain about how I felt like I was living a lie and how I was lying to myself and to him in order to stay with him. I also knew that what I was doing was hurting him and that hurt me even more. I started to hate myself” – your fear scared away the feeling and you felt guilty for not feeling it. It reminds me how for many years I believed that I did not love my mother. I felt lots of anger at her and believed that I hated her. I felt very guilty and hated myself for not being a loving daughter. I pretended to love her and felt that I was living a lie, and that disturbed me a lot.
Fast forward, looking back, I realized that I loved her all along, it’s just that the love was pushed down under the anger.
“He kept asking what he did wrong and there is NOTHING that he did wrong. He did everything right. It was just me; I fell back, I’m confused” – like I suggested, I am guessing that a parent or parents did you wrong and you fell back to that earlier life experience, expecting your boyfriend to do to you what a parent did to you.
“I’m scared that if I go back to him, I’d just repeat this thing and it would become a whole cycle” – if I understand correctly, then yes, if you go back to him, it is likely that the same will repeat and that it will therefore be the wrong thing to do… unless you take on the difficult path of healing from your earlier life/ childhood emotional injuries.
“My father constantly physically and sexually abused, psychologically manipulated, and cheated on my mother. From a very young age I’ve witness this thinking as far back as maybe 3 years old. They got a divorce, and I was forced to stay with my father since he would not let my mother take me. Living with my father was horrible. He was a very bad man… I don’t know if this is a factor of why I did what I did or why I felt like how I felt“-
– didn’t read this part until after my last paragraph to you. There is no doubt in my mind that this is a factor, a huge factor in what happened with your boyfriend. If you’d like to share about your current life circumstances- are you living still with your older brother, is your mother part of your life, are you in high school, etc., please do)
February 13, 2022 at 10:42 am #392693
- This reply was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by .
Thank you for replying, and my current living situation is much better now. I’m now living with my mother and step father and my biological father is basically out of my life. As of school I’ve already graduated from high school so right now I’m just taking a break. I’m happy where I am living but lately I’ve been going through those feelings I stated in my first post. Right now in this waking moment all I can think about is my ex boyfriend. I feel as though I just need to touch him in order to remember why I loved him in the first place but I’m afraid that even if I do get the chance to hold him again I’d just confuse myself again and I wouldn’t know what I want. I know that I want to heal and better myself as a person but I also want him. I’ve let go the one thing that I’ve always wanted and I’m starting to get scared that I’ll probably never get him back. Even though he said he’d wait for me and he’d hope I find my way back to him, I’m scared that I wont find my way back in time and that I’ll lose the one good thing that has happened to me in my miserable life. I feel numb to everything but pain and regret is still there and it hurts so much. I feel like all I want to do is cry but I cant cry, I’m just stuck in this miserable hole and the only thing that was helping me not fall further in the hole was my ex boyfriend. He was there, he tried so hard to remind me that he loved me. He reassured me, loved me, sent me flowers, sent me food, everything a person would ever want in a great man, but I now feel like I stupidly let him go. I feel like I still need him in my life now but I broke up with him because I thought it was going to end both of our pain but now for me its so much worse. I don’t know about him and I don’t know if he’d keep his words but I’d do anything to have him again. I’m just scared that he wouldn’t love me the same anymore but if I truly think about it, I wouldn’t love me the sane either.
February 13, 2022 at 10:56 am #392695AnonymousGuest
- This reply was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by Ken.
You don’t have to heal first and then get back with him. There really is no end to healing from deep emotional injuries of childhood, no such thing as complete healing. So, if you wait until you are completely healed before you enter a relationship, you’ll never be in a relationship. You can do both at the same time: start your healing in the context of psychotherapy/ counseling and get back with your boyfriend, if he is willing.
As a matter of fact, there is such a thing as couple counseling where you and your boyfriend can attend therapy together. What do you think?
anitaFebruary 13, 2022 at 11:08 am #392696
For couple counseling I’d imagine that it would help and I’m willing to do anything to be with him right now. I just hope that he’d give me another chance. I’ve imagined our lives together already. I don’t want to let that go.