May 14, 2020 at 10:04 am #354948
“He is perfect.. he is not perfect”- I am glad that you are open to the idea that he is not perfect.
“the reality that I am now discovering is that love is not constant butterflies or infatuation”- excellent.
“I thought that (like what you see in movies, shows, hear in music) love is always passion and almost being crazy for someone all the time”- but now you know that love is not what is portrayed in the movies.
“when the madness stopped, I got scared because I thought.. love is always passion and almost being crazy for someone all the time.. The anxiety is still there, it was quite bad today but I called him and felt better”:
1. Now that you don’t believe anymore that love is always passion, what is it that caused you fear/ anxiety earlier today?
2. When you called your boyfriend today, what did you say to him and what did he say back to you that caused you to feel better?
anitaMay 14, 2020 at 11:34 am #354976
1. I think I am still startled by the entire idea that I am not meant to “feel” love, rather that I just should know it. During this month of anxiety, I really fueled the thought of not loving him.
2. He said he would never leave me, and really we did not say anything new about the situation, just seeing him made me feel better.
Where should I go from here? I am still a little lost I think.
Thank you so much for everything already, it has really cleared the air!!May 14, 2020 at 11:41 am #354980
I would not say the anxiety is gone — at all. But I definitely have a better understanding.May 14, 2020 at 12:22 pm #354990
“I am still startled by the idea.. I would not say the anxiety is gone- at all”: you gained a new understanding: that it is unrealistic to expect to always feel love, but your fear didn’t catch up to this new understanding- you are still afraid.
It is similar to a situation like this: let’s say you are afraid of snakes, believing all of them are poisonous. A friend has a small snake in a cage in her home. You see the snake and you are startled, scared. She then explains to you and shows you proof that this particular snake is not poisonous. You then gain a new understanding: that not all snakes are poisonous and that this particular snake is not poisonous. You then forget about the snake for a while, and when you see the snake again, you get startled again: your fear didn’t catch up to your new understanding.
“Where should I go from here?”- you are likely to keep going to your boyfriend again and again because you have the experience of feeling better around him (“just seeing him made me feel better”). If it doesn’t bother him, if he is pleased to see you as often as you need to see him, good thing. If it becomes a problem for him, you will need to reach out to him as the temporary fix for your fear less often.
As a longer term solution (which you stated earlier that you are interested in), try this for now: when you are relaxed, after a hot shower perhaps, sitting or lying down comfortably, uninterrupted, breathing naturally and calmly, repeat to yourself that it is okay that you don’t feel love for him all the time, find your own words that state your new understanding and let them sink in and melt that fear.
Other than that, for now, I recommend The Mountain Meditation, which is a guided meditation available online. It is about you imagining that you are a mountain, still, solid, unmoved by the changing weather (similar to changing feelings). You being the mountain is like you knowing that you love your current boyfriend and the changing weather is you sometimes feeling love (the sun shining) and sometimes not feeling love (the sun is behind clouds, it is clouded and grey).
anitaMay 15, 2020 at 7:11 am #355142
Now I am so confused, I have moments where I am calm and I know I love him and then some moments that make me think I want to break up (I am having one right now). I keep crying because I don’t want that but I am so scared I won’t be able to get passed this. I love him so much and just do not understand.May 15, 2020 at 7:25 am #355146
“I am so confused… I am so scared.. just do not understand”- you are too anxious to be able to think clearly and to understand. Your anxiety level is keeping you confused. I don’t think that you are able to process the thoughts that I offered you on this thread
I suggest that you tell your boyfriend that you need to take a month time out from the relationship so to lower your anxiety level, have no contact with him during that month, and do all you can to lower your anxiety: have a daily exercise routine, add items to your daily routine, such as guided meditations and mindfulness exercises.
anitaMay 16, 2020 at 11:04 am #355384
We have agreed to take some space from each other. I really don’t want to lose this. I am so scared. I think we may have made an error in the way we acted, we spent way too much time together, our entire daily routines felt almost based on the other, we did not have independent lives. Maybe it became too much. What I am wondering now is that, I love him, but am so scared of something this deep and intimate. A serious relationship is so much pressure. I am sensitive and a major over-thinker and I am scared I won’t be ale to handle it. At the same time, whenever I think about if he was gone I am almost in tears. He is so special.May 16, 2020 at 11:17 am #355390
This happened so suddenly, I just don’t understand.May 16, 2020 at 5:11 pm #355420
I suggest that you seek professional help at this point: contact a medical doctor and/ or a psychotherapist and request help with your anxiety.
Other than that, if you are able, please re-read our communication on this thread and see if you can apply any of what I suggested to you.
anitaMay 17, 2020 at 8:14 am #355520
My new thoughts this morning: you wrote yesterday: “we spent way too much time together, our entire daily routines felt almost based on the other, we did not have independent lives. Maybe it became too much.. so scared of something this deep and intimate”.
Earlier you shared about a different type of relationships, such that you had early on in your life: “They were just never there for me.. They supported me in my schoolwork a lot but never in a personal way.. my dad is quite quiet and never really tried to get involved in my personal life, my mom.. started a new job that totally consumed her, I barely saw her”.
See the difference? Your parents “were just never there for me.. in a personal way”, but your boyfriend was the opposite, always or “too much” there for you in a personal way.
So you got overwhelmed, not being used to such closeness, “something this deep and intimate”. This explains your fearful reaction, doesn’t it?
anitaMay 18, 2020 at 2:09 am #355720
I feel as though there could be so many reasons causing this. I hate myself for having started this, I was so happy. I don’t want it to end but I can’t keep going like this. I feel that I have that I have thought about falling out of love so much that it is actually happening. As if thinking about it made me believe it. You could definitely be right about your statement. I am so scared that I won’t be able to be happy with him.May 18, 2020 at 6:56 am #355740
I read your most recent post and I can see that you and I have been stuck in our communication for a while- it doesn’t matter what I write to you, it makes no difference at all in your thinking: you keep repeating the same-old-same-old.
I shared with you all my thoughts regarding your situation, I have nothing new to add. If you re-read our communication and find something that you want to look into deeper, or if you otherwise get un-stuck from the same-old-same-old limited, obsessive thinking, let me know.
(There are medications that help relieve OCD symptoms, such as your obsessive thinking, if you are stuck in it for too long and nothing else seems to help).
anitaJune 8, 2020 at 10:37 am #357940
Looking back I have realized that this was not an issue of butterflies, please, for those on this thread or those who feel like what they are reading here may not be helping them in the long run, please look into ROCD. It is such areal thing. It took me 2 months to realize I had this.June 8, 2020 at 11:01 am #357941
I am familiar with ROCD, it stands for Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It is an ocd that focuses on romantic relationships. Anxiety fuels ocd. I am very familiar with the topic, having been diagnosed with it, and having suffered from it (obsessions and compulsions) beginning at about six years old.
Fortunately, it is possible to get better and better and heal a whole lot from ocd, happened in my case. OCD is a very strong mental habit of repeating. Repetition is the compulsion, and the need to repeat feels irresistible.
Since you’ve realized that you suffer from rocd in the last couple of months, did you consider seeking medical help for it?
anitaJuly 3, 2020 at 6:53 am #360309