May 11, 2020 at 2:24 pm #354480
Hi Anita, thanks for responding!
Yes, I definitely believe that this is one for the long run, that is all I want. I totally understand looking for a long term solution vs short term. The thing is, I have no idea what sort of “revelation” I am meant to have to get closure and acceptance w myself, to finally move on and be happy with him. I am also scared that the anxiety will naturally drive me away, that it will get the best of me.
thanks 🙂May 11, 2020 at 2:45 pm #354482
You are welcome. I would like to understand better, therefore I ask: is the problem losing the in-love feeling for him (the pack of positive feeling), or is the problem feeling that you don’t like him anymore, that you want to not be with him (the presence of negative feeling)?
anitaMay 11, 2020 at 3:08 pm #354494
No I am not scared of anything on his part, he is wonderful and very patient w me and the whole situation, I know he loves me. I am scared of the fact that I don’t feel what I felt during the “honeymoon phase”, I have a hard time accepting it is over even though I know it is totally normal. I fear I will lose feelings, but I know I love him, deep down, I want no one else. I just can’t get the anxiety to go away. Tell me if this was not helpful, I am not sure I totally understood.
thanks 🙂May 11, 2020 at 3:15 pm #354496
I don’t yet understand, so I’ll ask more:
“I just can’t get the anxiety to go away”- anxiety is ongoing fear, a persistent fear. We feel fear when we sense a danger, same is true to all animals: an animal sense a predator approaching (= the danger), next they feel fear, next they run away, or hide.
What is the danger in your situation?
anitaMay 11, 2020 at 3:24 pm #354498
A fear that I do not feel love anymore (the way that I used to), I still do have some moments, that last just a few seconds where I realize I am so grateful to have him and that I love him. Therefore, I guess I am scared that I will never be comforted by those butterflies that I used to feel all the time, they reminded me that I love him. Now they are gone for the most part, which then leads me to think that I do not love him (which I really do not believe to be true). I am scared of not loving him and of losing him.May 11, 2020 at 3:32 pm #354500
Your fear is “of losing him” because you don’t feel butterflied for him.
Did you ask him if it is okay with him that you act in loving ways toward him (being kind and respectful toward him, supporting him, comforting him, etc.) whether or not you feel butterflies?
Maybe he is okay with you not feeling butterflies for him as long as you love him in the ways you treat him, and therefore he will not leave you because you don’t feel the butterflies.
anitaMay 12, 2020 at 1:23 am #354568
Yes, we spoke and he says that he will accept me and love me for whatever way I choose to act with him. Thank you, that helped. But why do I still have the anxiety, what constantly seems to be happening is that I get the feeling and then I seem to correct myself in my head like “stop this you know you love him”. I really do not want to lose this relationship. This happened to me in my previous relationship too, it is definitely something internal. I just want to be peaceful w him.
thanksMay 12, 2020 at 1:30 am #354570
Maybe that is normal, the anxiety needs time to leave?May 12, 2020 at 5:29 am #354584
Aim at being logical. Examine your thoughts: are they logical? If not, correct your thoughts: this is the principle behind Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).
If your boyfriend is okay with you not feeling butterflies for you, is it logical for you to be afraid that he will leave you because you don’t feel those butterflies for him?
Also, is it logical to expect to feel butterflies consistently and long term, or are butterflies in their very nature time-limited?
Logical thinking that is congruent with reality will calm your anxiety. When you feel anxious, write down a couple of the thoughts that go through your mind and look for the logic in them. Correct if illogical, re-read the corrected thought, take it in and let your logical thoughts calm your anxiety.
“it is definitely something internal… Maybe that is normal, the anxiety needs time to leave”- the anxiety needs time and work before it leaves, and it doesn’t leave quickly, but gradually over a long time.
I agree: your anxiety is internal. It is not about your current boyfriend or the one before him. Your anxiety is most likely about what you wrote here: “I am not close to my parents”. In the beginning of your life you felt very, very close to your parents, at least to one of your parents, the one who held you and fed you and comforted you when you cried.
At some point you lost that emotional closeness with the parent who took care of you most. What happened?
anitaMay 12, 2020 at 5:53 am #354586
That is the thing, I never had real issues with my parents. They were just never there for me the way I would have liked (for example, advice on friendships, stress etc…). They have supported me in my schoolwork a lot but never in a personal way. The only thing I could maybe think of is the fact that my dad is quite quiet and never really tried to get involved in my personal life, my mom did a bit more but when I was about 10 she started a new job that totally consumed her, I barely saw her. She was always in a bad mood and the slightest thing would make her mad. So, I developed a distant and cold relationship with her. But I know she loves me and has good intentions. The CBT looks very interesting, I will look into it. Thank you! Will get back to you.May 12, 2020 at 6:02 am #354590
You are welcome.
When you were 10 and your mother “started a new job that totally consumed her”, and you “barely saw her”, and when you did see her, she “was always in a bad mood and the slightest thing would make her mad”, what this means is that you lost her: you lost a calm, gentle, loving mother.
Fast forward, you have a calm, gently, loving boyfriend, and you are afraid to lose him.
Get back to me whenever you want to.
anitaMay 14, 2020 at 3:02 am #354902
I have been doing the CBT and it has helped, but I still feel the anxiety. I am very scared. Because it is always so present I can’t even enjoy the relationship and I am scared that during the time I try to work through this I will fall out of love anyways. I want this to work so badly but there is still something blocking me. Do you think this could have anything to do with confinement? DO you think taking a break would be beneficial?May 14, 2020 at 3:05 am #354904
I am just so mad at myself, I have the most perfect relationship with the best guy and we never fight, yet I still found a way to mess things up. I am scared we will not be able to go back to normal.May 14, 2020 at 6:17 am #354914
“I felt madly in love”, you wrote, as if it’s a good or desirable thing to be madly anything. Madness is insanity, a mental disorder, “a behavioral or mental pattern that may cause suffering or poor ability to function” (Wikipedia). Let’s fix the madness then by looking at your mental pattern aka thoughts, see if they are congruent with reality or distorted, and if they are distorted, let’s correct these thoughts so that they are congruent with reality (the principle behind CBT).
In the following 4 items, I will quote your thoughts that I believe to be distorted and correct them to thoughts that I believe are congruent with reality:
1. About your boyfriend: “He is perfect in my eyes”- no, he is not perfect. (And better that he is not perfect in your eyes)!
2. “He saved me”- no, he didn’t. (If he saved you, you wouldn’t be the severely anxious person that you are while he is in your life)!
3. “He is my everything”- no, he isn’t. (He is definitely not your peace of mind)!
4. “He is truly the most wonderful, kind, funny, smart, helpful, caring, adorable human being I have ever met”- not necessarily so. (I don’t think that you know him long enough to determine these things, plus I can’t trust this sentence when it is said by a “madly in love” person)!
Let’s look at how it happened that you got so scared: “He is perfect.. He is my everything.. He is perfect in my eyes and I want him in my life.. everything was so perfect”- no wonder you got scared: when a person believes that they met a Perfect Everything Savior (PES), and part of the person knows that no human is a PES, than the person gets scared, scared of waking up to the reality that .. this young man, a teenager (?) is only human.
“I felt madly in love with him and then about a month ago, in literally a split second, I thought ‘What if I don’t love him anymore’. It was so sudden”- a thought takes only a second or two, a thought therefore is a sudden occurrence, nothing unusual with a thought being “so sudden”.
* “the second something gets comfortable, I get really anxious and think that I don’t love the person anymore”- you mentioned this as a pattern, having happened in a previous relationship. This is most likely related to your childhood experience which I wrote to you about in my previous post.
Please take your time before you respond to this post, and when you are ready, do address each item that I brought up here.
anitaMay 14, 2020 at 9:37 am #354944
About him being perfect, of course I know he is not perfect, because no one is at the end of the day. When I say he saved me, I mean that I was going through a tough time and he was one of the few positive things I had, that’s why I used the word “save”. I do understand that the beginning is infatuation. That’s what I was — infatuated. I guess I thought it would always be like that but the reality that I am now discovering is that love is not constant butterflies or infatuation, it is a deep connection one chooses to have with the other. I guess when the madness stopped, I got scared because I thought that (like what we see in movies, shows, hear in music) love is always passion and almost being crazy for someone all the time. So when what I thought was love (butterflies, infatuation) faded, I got very scared. Even though the infatuation has faded, I still know he is an amazing person. I want to be with him even though my mind tries to stear me away from that every time something gets comfortable. I know I love him deep down, the anxiety is just blocking me from enjoying my relationship with him. Now, I need to get rid of the anxiety, to live something peaceful with him. The anxiety is still here, it was quite bad today but I called him and felt better. I do not want to let my fears or automatic thinking patterns take away something so special.